THE SATYRICON

PETRONIUS

Two thousand and ten copies of

this edition have been printed,

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The present copy is

No. 564

THE

SATYRICON

From the Latin of

PETRONIUS

Translated and Introduced by

ALFRED R. ALLINSON

PRIVATELY ISSUED

FOR SUBSCRIBERS ONLY

NEW YORK

THE PANURGE PRESS

COPYRIGHT, 1930

BY

THE PANURGE PRESS

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PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

INTRODUCTION

Tacitus writes (Annals, XVI. Chapters 17 and 18-20, A.D. 66): "Within a

few days, indeed, there perished in one and the same batch, Annaeus Mela,

Cerialis Anicius, Rufius Crispinus and Petronius. . . . With regard to

Caius Petronius, his character and life merit a somewhat more particular

attention. He passed his days in sleep, and his nights in business, or

in joy and revelry. Indolence was at once his passion and his road to

fame. What others did by vigor and industry, he accomplished by his

love of pleasure and luxurious ease. Unlike the men who profess to

understand social enjoyment, and ruin their fortunes, he led a life of

expense, without profusion; an epicure, yet not a prodigal; addicted

to his appetites, but with taste and judgment; a refined and elegant

voluptuary. Gay and airy in his conversation, he charmed by a certain

graceful negligence, the more engaging as it flowed from the natural

frankness of his disposition. With all this delicacy and careless ease,

he showed, when he was Governor of Bithynia, and afterwards in the year

of his Consulship, that vigor of mind and softness of manners may well

unite in the same person. With his love of sensuality he possessed

talents for business. From his public station he returned to his usual

gratifications, fond of vice, or of pleasures that bordered upon it. His

gayety recommended him to the notice of the Prince. Being in favor at

Court, and cherished as the companion of Nero in all his select parties,

he was allowed to be the arbiter of taste and elegance. Without the

sanction of Petronius nothing was exquisite, nothing rare or delicious.

"Hence the jealousy of Tigellinus, who dreaded a rival in the good

graces of the Emperor almost his equal; in the science of luxury his

superior. Tigellinus determined to work his downfall; and accordingly

addressed himself to the cruelty of the Prince,-- that master passion,

to which all other affections and every motive were sure to give way.

He charged Petronius with having lived in close intimacy with Scaevinus,

the conspirator; and to give color to that assertion, he bribed a slave

to turn informer against his master. The rest of the domestics were

loaded with irons. Nor was Petronius suffered to make his defense.

"Nero at that time happened to be on one of his excursions into Campania.

Petronius had followed him as far as Cumae, but was not allowed to proceed

further than that place. He scorned to linger in doubt and fear, and yet

was not in a hurry to leave a world which he loved. He opened his veins,

and closed them again, at intervals losing a small quantity of blood,

then binding up the orifice, as his own inclination prompted. He

conversed during the whole time with his usual gayety, never changing

his habitual manner, nor talking sentences to show his contempt of death.

He listened to his friends, who endeavored to entertain him, not with

grave discourses on the immortality of the soul or the moral wisdom of

philosophers, but with strains of poetry and verses of a gay and natural

turn. He distributed presents to some of his servants, and ordered

others to be chastised. He walked out for his amusement, and even lay

down to sleep. In this last scene of his life he acted with such calm

tranquillity, that his death, though an act of necessity, seemed no more

than the decline of nature. In his will he scorned to follow the example

of others, who like himself died under the tyrant's stroke; he neither

flattered the Emperor nor Tigellinus nor any of the creatures of the

Court. But having written, under the fictitious names of profligate

men and women, a narrative of Nero's debauchery and his new modes of vice,

he had the spirit to send to the Emperor that satirical romance, sealed

with his own seal,-- which he took care to break, that after his death

it might not be used for the destruction of any person whatever.

"Nero saw with surprise his clandestine passions and the secrets of his

midnight revels laid open to the world. To whom the discovery was to be

imputed still remained a doubt. Amidst his conjectures, Silia, who by

her marriage with a Senator had risen into notice, occurred to his memory.

This woman had often acted as procuress for the libidinous pleasures of

the Prince, and lived besides in close intimacy with Petronius. Nero

concluded that she had betrayed him, and for that offense ordered her

into banishment, making her a sacrifice to his private resentment."

Two questions arise out of this famous passage: 1. Is Petronius

(Arbiter), author of the Satyricon, the same person as the Caius

Petronius here described, and spoken of by the Historian as

"elegantiae arbiter" at the Court of Nero? 2. Is the existing

Satyricon the "satirical romance" composed by the Emperor's victim

during his dying hours and sent under seal to the tyrant?

Both points have been long and vigorously debated, but may now be

taken as fairly well settled by general consent,-- the answer to

the first query being Yes! To the second, No!

The Introductory Notice to Petronius, in the noble "Collection des

Auteurs Latins," edited by M. Nisard, sums up the controversy thus:

"Is Petronius, here mentioned by Tacitus, the Author of the Satyricon,

and are we to regard this work as being the testamentary document

addressed to Nero of which the Historian speaks?" These two questions

so long and eagerly disputed, may be looked upon as decided by this

time. The Consular, the favorite of Nero, the "arbiter of taste and

elegance" at the Imperial Court, is generally acknowledged to be our

Petronius Arbiter; whose book, diversified as it is with "strains of

poetry and verses of a gay and natural turn," with its tone of good

company and its easy-going Epicurean morality, is so much in keeping

with the cheerful, uncomplaining death of the pleasure-loving courtier

who understood his master's little peculiarities, and had, like

Trimalchio, adopted for his motto, "Vivamus, dum licet esse,"-- "Let

us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die." At any rate in our own

opinion, this first point is finally and definitely decided.

"Can this satire (The Satyricon) be the testament of irony and hate

which the victim sent to his executioner? To this further question

we answer No!-- and our personal conviction on the point is shared

by the most weighty authorities. We will limit ourselves here to

one or two observations. According to Tacitus, Petronius had already

caused his veins to be opened, when he started to recapitulate the

series of Nero's debaucheries in this deposition. The document

therefore must necessarily have been brief; whereas the work we

possess, too extensive as it stands to have been composed by a dying

man, was originally of much greater length, for it seems proved by

the titles affixed to the Manuscripts that nearly nine-tenths of the

whole is lost. Besides, Petronius had expressly limited his statement

to an account of Nero's secret debaucheries, with no further disguise

beyond the use of fictitious names,-- 'under the names of profligate

men and women.' Lastly the extremely varied character of the Work is

diametrically opposed to a view, making it out to have been a personal

libel, a piece of abuse that only stops short of giving the actual

name of the individual pilloried."

What is known of Petronius himself, the man Petronius?-- Granting

an affirmative answer may be given to question 1, something; but even

then not much.

His name was Caius Petronius; he was a Roman Eques or Knight, born at

Massilia (Marseilles). Even these initial points are not quite firmly

established; Pliny and Plutarch speak of Titus Petronius, and the facts

of his being an Eques and his birth at Marseilles rest on conjectural

evidence. He was successively Proconsul of Bithynia, and Consul, in

both which high offices he showed integrity, energy and ability.

He was in high favor at the Court of Nero, where he devoted his undoubted

talents and genial wit to the amusement of the Prince, the systematic

cultivation of an elegant and luxurious idleness and the elaboration of a

refined profligacy. He won the title among his fellow courtiers of "arbiter

elegantiae," a nickname that with time appears to have grown into a sort

of surname, posterity knowing him universally as Petronius Arbiter.

Eventually he incurred the jealousy and enmity of Nero's all-powerful

Minister, Tigellinus, who contrived his ruin. Informed against for

conspiracy, or at any rate association with conspirators, he voluntarily

opened his veins. Displaying much fortitude and a fine indifference,

he died calmly and composedly, spending his last hours in merry

conversation with his friends, the recitation of light-hearted verses and

the composition of a candid and circumstantial account of the Emperor's

debaucheries, which he sent under seal to his Master as his dying bequest.

Pliny (1) and Plutarch (2) add further touch, that previous to his death

he broke to pieces a Murrhine vase of priceless value, which was amongst

his possessions, to prevent its falling into the tyrant's hands.

As to his great work, the so-called Satyricon, its characteristics and

place in literature, we cannot do better than quote from what Professor

Ramsey says of it in the "Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography":

"A very singular production, consisting of a prose narrative interspersed

with numerous pieces of poetry, and thus resembling in form the Varronian

Satire, has come down to us in a sadly mutilated state. In the oldest

MSS. and the earliest editions it bears the title Petronii Arbitri

Saturicon, and as it now exists, is composed of a series of fragments,

the continuity of the piece being frequently interrupted by blanks, and

the whole forming but a very small portion of the original, which, when

entire, contained at least sixteen books, and probably many more. It

is a sort of comic romance, in which the adventures of a certain

Encolpius and his companions in the south of Italy, chiefly in Naples

or its environs, are made a vehicle for exposing the false taste which

prevailed upon all matters connected with literature and the fine arts,

and for holding up to ridicule and detestation the folly, luxury and

dishonesty of all classes of the community in the age and country in

which the scene is laid. A great variety of characters connected for

the most part with the lower ranks of life are brought upon the stage,

and support their parts with the greatest liveliness and dramatic

propriety, while every page overflows with ironical wit and broad

humor. Unfortunately the vices of the personages introduced are

depicted with such minute fidelity that we are perpetually disgusted

by the coarseness and obscenity of the descriptions. Indeed, if we

can believe that such a book was ever widely circulated and generally

admired, that fact alone would afford the most convincing proof of the

pollution of the epoch to which it belongs. . . .

"The longest and most important section is generally known as the

Supper of Trimalchio, presenting us with a detailed and very amusing

account of a fantastic banquet, such as the most luxurious and

extravagant gourmands of the empire were wont to exhibit on their

tables. Next in interest is the well-known tale of the Ephesian

Matron, which here appears for the first time among the popular

fictions of the Western world, although current from a very early

period in the remote regions of the East. . . . The longest of

the effusions in verse is a descriptive poem on the Civil Wars,

extending to 295 hexameter lines, affording a good example of

that declamatory tone of which the Pharsalia is the type. We

have also 65 iambic trimeters, depicting the capture of Troy

(Troiae Halosis), and besides these several shorter morsels are

interspersed replete with grace and beauty."

Teuffel in his masterly "History of Roman Literature" is brief, but to

the point, in what he says of the Satyricon: "To Nero's time belongs

also the character-novel of Petronius Arbiter, no doubt the same

Petronius whom Nero (A.D. 66) compelled to kill himself. Originally

a large work in at least 20 books, with accounts of various adventures

supposed to have taken place during a journey, it now consists of a heap

of fragments, the most considerable of which is the Cena Trimalchionis,

being the description of a feast given by a rich and uneducated upstart.

Though steeped in obscenity, this novel is not only highly important for

the history of manners and language, especially the plebeian speech,

but it is also a work of art in its way, full of spirit, fine insight

into human nature, wit of a high order and genial humor. In its form

it is a satira Menippea, in which the metrical pieces interspersed

contain chiefly parodies of certain fashions of taste."

"The narrator and hero of the romance," Nisard writes in his

Preliminary Notice to "Petronius," "is a sort of Guzman d'Alfarache,

a young profligate, over head and ears in debt, without either fortune,

or family, and reduced, with all his brilliant qualitites, to live

from hand to mouth by dint of a series of more or less hazardous

expedients. The pictures he draws with such a bold and lifelike

touch change and shift without plan or purpose, following each other

with the same abrupt inconsequence we observe in real life; and we

are strongly tempted to conclude Petronius has largely depicted in

them the actual phases of his own, that of a self-made adventurer,

appropriating as his own with extraordinary success the tone of

persiflage and the ironical outlook on existence of a man of high

birth and station. With equal ease he sounds the most contradictory

notes. Verse and prose, precepts of rhetoric and of ethics, scenes

of profligate indulgence, comic descriptions of a feast where

luxury is carried to ludicrous extremes, anecdotes told in the

happiest manner, notably the world-famous tale of the Ephesian

Matron, epic poetry even, love letters and love talk breathing

a refined, almost chivalric, spirit,-- such is the strange fabric

of this drama, at once passionate, derisive, fanfaronading, tragic

and burlesque, where the grand style and the most graceful narrative

tread on the heels of provincial patois and popular saws. . . .

"Petronius' book belongs essentially to the class of Satirae

Menippeae, of which Varro had given the first example in the works

he composed in imitation of the Greek Menippus, and of which Seneca's

Apocolocyntosis is another capital instance."

All critics agree upon the excellence of the Satyricon as a work of

art, though many take exception to the grossness of the subject

matter. Indeed there can be no two opinions as to the brilliancy

and refinement of our Author's style generally; while the vivid

picturesqueness of the narrative on the one hand, and the perfect

adaptation of the language to the rank and idiosyncrasy of the

interlocutors on the other, are particularly noteworthy. "The very

criticisms which have been launched against Petronius are mingled

with admiring panegyric which a due regard for truth has forced

from his assailants; and in the mouth of an enemy, praise counts

for much more than blame. Even the barbarisms and vulgarities of

expressions that at times seem to disfigure his style, are in the

eyes of Menage the perfection of art and appropriateness; he puts

them only in the mouths of servants and debuachees devoid of any touch

of refinement. Note on the other hand with what elegance he makes

his well-born characters speak. Petronius assigns to each one of

his actors the language most suited to him. This is a merit precious

in direct ratio to its rarity; the shadows with which a skillful

painter darkens his canvas, only serve to bring out in more startling

relief the beauties of the picture. Justus Lipsius epigrammatically

styles him auctor purissimae impuritatis." (Heguin de Guerle.)

The first thing to strike us is the brilliancy and liveliness of the

book-- fragmentary as is the condition in which it has come down to

us-- as a Novel of Adventure. The reader is hurried on, his interest

forever on the stretch, from episode to episode of the exciting, and

more often than not scandalous, adventures of the disreputable band

of light-hearted gentlemen of the road, whose leader is that most

audacious and irresponsible of amiable scamps, Encolpius, the narrator

of the moving tale. With the exception of the six chapters devoted

to describing the glories and absurdities of Trimalchio's Feast,

which form a long episode apart, and a most entertaining one, the

action never pauses. From lecture-room to house of ill fame, from

country mansion to country tavern, from the market for stolen goods

in a city slum to the Chapel of Priapus, from a harlot's palace to a

rich parvenu's table, from Picture Gallery to the public baths, from

ship and shipwreck to a luxurious life of imposture in a wealthy

provincial town, we are hurried along in breathless haste. The pace

is tremendous, but the road bristles with hairbreadth escapes and

stirring incidents, and is never for one instant dull or tame.

Probably the nearest parallel in other literatures is the so-called

picaresque romances of Spain, of which Don Pablo de Segovia; Lazarillo

de Tormes; and, if we regard it of Spanish origin, the incomparable

Gil Blas de Santillana, may be taken as typical examples.

A mere Novel of Adventure then? Not so! The Satyricon is this; but it

is a great deal besides. It abounds in clear-sighted and instructive

apercus on education, literature and art, and contemporary deficiencies

in these domains; its prose is interspersed with many brilliant fragments

of verse, mostly parodies and burlesques, some ludicrous, some beautiful.

Over and above its merits as a tale, it is a copious literary miscellany,

over-flowing with wit and wisdom, drollery and sarcasm.

Last but not least, this work of fine, if irregular, genius contains

probably the most lifelike and discriminating character painting in

the realm of everyday life to be found in all the range of ancient

literature. To appreciate this, it is only necessary to name three

or four of the principal dramatis personae:--

Encolpius, the gay, unprincipled profligate, but never altogether

worthless, narrator of the story;

Ascyltos, his comrade and rival, as immoral and good for nothing as the

other, but without his redeeming touch of gentlemanliness and "honor

among thieves";

Giton, the minion, changeable and capricious, with his pretty face and

wheedling ways;

Tryphaena, the beautiful wanton, who "travels the world for her pleasures";

Lichas, the overbearing and vindictive merchant and Sea-captain; Quartilla,

the lascivious and unscrupulous votary of Priapus; Circe, the lovely

"femme incomprise" of Croton; and finally, the never to be forgotten

Eumolpus, the mad poet, the disreputable and starving pedant, at once

"childlike and bland" with an ineffable naivete of simple conceit, and

frankly given up to the pursuit of the most abominable immoralities, now

bolting from the shower of stones his ineradicable propensity for reciting

his own poetry has provoked, now composing immortal verse, calm amid

the horrors of storm and wreck and utterly oblivious of impending death.

Another point, the admirably clever adaptation of the language to the

social position and character of the persons speaking, merits a word

or two more. While both the general narrative, and the conversation

of the educated dramatis personae, Eumolpus for instance, are marked

by a high degree of correctness of diction and elegance of phrase, the

talk of such characters as Trimalchio and his freedmen friends,

Habinnas and the rest, and other uneducated or half-educated persons,

is full not merely of vulgarisms and popular words, but of positive

blunders and downright bad grammar. These mistakes of course are

intentional, and it is only another proof of the lack of humor and

want of common sense that often marked the industrious and meritorious

scholars, particularly German scholars, of the old school, that some

commentators have actually gone out of their way to correct these

errors in the text of Petronius. There are hundreds of them; two or

three examples must suffice here. Libra rubricata says Trimalchio

(Ch. VII.-- xlvi), meaning libros rubricatos, "lawbooks," and vetuo

"I forbid," while his guests indulge in such glaring solecisms as

malus fatus, exhortavit, naufragarunt. The whole of Chapter VII.,

where Trimalchio's guests converse freely with one another in the

temporary absence of their host, and afterwards Trimalchio harangues

the company on various subjects, is full of these diverting "bulls."

From the philologist's point of view the book is particularly valuable

as containing almost our only specimens of the Roman popular, country

speech,-- the lingua Romana rusticana, so all important as the link

between literary Latin and the Romance languages of modern Europe.

Two or three examples again must suffice: minutus populus, exactly the

modern French "le menu peuple," urceatim plovebat, "it rained in

bucketfuls," non est miscix, "he's no shirker," bono filo est, "he has

good stuff in him." It is also a storehouse of popular saws and sayings,

sometimes of a fine, vigorous outspokenness, not to say coarseness of

expression, such as: caldum meiire et frigidum potare, "to piss hot and

drink cold"; sudor per bifurcam volabat, "the sweat was pouring down

between my legs"; lassus tanquam caballus in clivo, "as tired as a

carthorse at a hill."

"In addition to the corruptions in the text," says Professor Ramsay,

"which are so numerous and hopeless as to render whole sentences

unintelligible, there are doubtless a multitude of strange words and

of phrases not elsewhere to be found; but this circumstance need

excite no surprise when we remember the various topics which fall

under discussion, and the singular personages grouped together on

the scene. The most remarkable and startling peculiarities may be

considered as the phraseology appropriate to the characters by whom

they are uttered, the language of ordinary conversation, the familiar

slang in everyday use among the hybrid population of Campania, closely

resembling in all probability the dialect of the Atellan farces. On

the other hand, wherever the author may be supposed to be speaking

in his own person, we are deeply impressed by the extreme felicity

of the style, which, far from bearing marks of decrepitude or decay,

is redolent of spirit, elasticity, and vigorous freshness."

As to the text, the following remarks by Professor Ramsay, give a

complete statement which it is impossible to improve upon. "Many

attempts," he writes, "have been made to account for the strangely

mutilated condition in which the piece has been transmitted to modern

times. It has been suggested by some that the blanks were caused by

the scruples of pious transcribers, who omitted those parts which were

most licentious; while others have not hesitated to declare their

conviction that the worst passages were studiously selected. Without

meaning to advocate this last hypothesis-- and we can scarcely

believe that Burmann was in earnest when he propounded it-- it is

clear that the first explanation is altogether unsatisfactory, for

it appears to be impossible that what was passed over could have been

more offensive than much of what was retained. According to another

theory, what we now possess must be regarded as striking and favorite

extracts, copied out into the common-place book of some scholar in the

Middle Ages; a supposition applicable to the Supper of Trimalchio and

the longer poetical essays, but which fails for the numerous short and

abrupt fragments breaking off in the middle of a sentence. The most

simple solution of the difficulty seems to be the true one. The

existing MS. proceeded, in all likelihood, from two or three

archetypes, which may have been so much damaged by neglect that

large portions were rendered illegible, while whole leaves and

sections may have been torn out or otherwise destroyed.

"The Editio Princeps of the fragments of Petronius was printed at

Venice, by Bernardinus de Vitalibus, 1499; and the second at Leipzig,

by Jacobus Thanner, in 1500; but these editions, and those which

followed for upwards of a hundred and fifty years, exhibited much

less than we now possess. For, about the middle of the seventeenth

century, an individual who assumed the designation of Martinus

Statilius, although his real name was Petrus Petitus, found a MS.

at Traun in Dalmatia, containing nearly entire the Supper of

Trimalchio, which was wanting in all former copies. This was

published separately at Padua, in a very incorrect state, in 1664,

without the knowledge of the discoverer, again by Petitus himself

at Paris, in the same year, and immediately gave rise to a fierce

controversy, in which the most learned men of that day took a share,

one party receiving it without suspicion as a genuine relic of

antiquity, while their opponents, with great vehemence, contended

that it was spurious. The strife was not quelled until the year

1669, when the MS. was dispatched from the Library of the proprietor,

Nicolaus Cippius, at Traun, to Rome, where, having been narrowly

scrutinized by the most competent judges, it was finally pronounced

to be at least three hundred years old, and, since no forgery of such

a nature could have been executed at that epoch, the skeptics were

compelled reluctantly to admit that their doubts were ill founded.

The title of the Codex, commonly known as the Codex Traguriensis,

was Petronii Arbitri Satyri Fragmenta ex libro quinto decimo et sexto

decimo, and then follow the words 'Num alio genere furiarum,' etc.

"Stimulated, it would appear, by the interest excited during the

progress of this discussion, and by the favor with which the new

acquisition was now universally regarded by scholars, a certain

Francis Nodot published at Rotterdam, in 1693, what professed to be

the Satyricon of Petronius complete, taken, it was said, from a MS.

found at Belgrade, when that city was captured in 1688, a MS. which

Nodot declared had been presented to him by a Frenchman high in the

Imperial service. The fate of this volume was soon decided. The

imposture was so palpable that few could be found to advocate the

pretensions put forth on its behalf, and it was soon given up by

all. It is sometimes, however, printed along with the genuine

text, but in a different type, so as to prevent the possibility of

mistake. Besides this, a pretended fragment, said to have been

obtained from the monastery of St. Gall, was printed in 1800,

with notes and a French translation by Lallemand, but it seems

to have deceived nobody."

In the present version the portions of the narrative derived from

this alleged Belgrade MS. are not specially distinguished from the

genuine text; this is done advisedly, in order not to interrupt the

continuity of the story. This does not of course for a moment imply

that these interpolations are regarded as other than spurious, but

as they are both amusing reading in themselves as well as admirable

imitations of our Author's style, and supply obvious lacunae in the

plot, making the whole book more interesting and coherent, they

have been retained as an integral part of the work.

We append three or four extracts bearing upon Petronius and the

Satyricon, and interesting either on account of the source from

which they come, the quaintness of their expression, or the weight

of their authority.

From the "Age of Petronius," by Charles Beck, 1856: "Among the small

number of Latin writers of prose fiction, Petronius, the author of

the Satyricon, occupies a prominent place. . . . As to this book, the

quality of its language and style and the nature of its contents

constitute it one of the most interesting and important relics of

Roman lierature, antiquities and history.

"The work, at least the portion which has come down to us, contains

the adventures of a dissipated, unprincipled, but clever, cultivated

and well-informed young man, Encolpius, the hero himself being the

narrator. The book opens with a discussion on the defects of the

existing system of education, in which the shortcomings of both

teachers and parents are pointed out. Next follows a scene in the

Forum, in which the hero and his companion, Ascyltos, are concerned,

and which exhibits some of the abuses connected with judicial

proceedings. After a brief and passing mention of the vices and

hypocrisy of the priests, the highly interesting portion containing

an account of the banquet of Trimalchio follows. This is succeeded

by the account of the acquaintance which the hero, disappointed and

dispirited by the faithless conduct of his companion, forms with a

philosopher, Eumolpus, who besides discussing some subjects relating

to art, especially painting, and to literature, gives an account of

his infamous proceedings in corrupting the son of a family in whose

house he had been hospitably received. The hero accepts the invitation

of the philosopher to accompany him on an excursion to Tarentum. The

account of the voyage, of the discovery made by Encolpius that he is

on board a vessel owned by a person whose vengeance he had just ground

to apprehend, of his fruitless attempt to escape detection, of the

reconciliation of the hostile parties, and of the destruction of the

vessel and the greater portion of the passengers by shipwreck, is

full of interest. The hero and his immediate companions, being the only

persons that escaped death, make their way to Croton, where Eumolpus, by

representing himself as the owner of valuable and extensive possessions

in Africa, works so upon the avarice and cupidity of the inhabitants,

who are described as a set of legacy-hunters by profession, that he

meets with the most hospitable reception. An intrigue of the hero with

a beautiful lady of the city occupies a large part of this section

of the story. The book closes with an account of the measures

which Eumolpus takes for the purpose of avoiding the detection of

his fraud, by working anew upon the avarice of his hosts. The close

is abrupt as the beginning had been; the book is incomplete in both

parts; the end, as well as the beginning, is wanting.

"That the author of this work was a man of genius is unquestionable.

The narrative of the events of the story is simple,-- exciting,

without exhausting, the interest of the reader, the description

of customs, chiefly those of the middle classes of society, is

invaluable to the antiquarian, and the importance of the work in

this respect can scarcely be overrated; the personages introduced

into the story are drawn with such a clearness of perception of

their characteristics, and such an accuracy of portraiture,

extending to the very peculiarities of the language used by each,

that they appear to live and breathe and move before our eyes."

From John Dunlop's History of Fiction: "The most celebrated fable of

ancient Rome is the work of Petronius Arbiter, perhaps the most

remarkable fiction which has dishonored the literature of any

nation. It is the only fable of that period now extant, but is

a strong proof of the monstrous corruption of the times in which

such a production could be tolerated, though no doubt writings of

bad moral tendency might be circulated before the invention of

printing, without arguing the depravity they would have evinced,

if presented to the world subsequent to that period.

"The work of Petronius is in the form of a satire, and, according

to some commentators, is directed against the vices of the court of

Nero, who is thought to be delineated under the names of Trimalchio

and Agamemnon,-- an opinion which has been justly ridiculed by

Voltaire. The satire is written in a manner which was first

introduced by Varro; verses are intermixed with prose, and jests

with serious remark. It has much the air of a romance, both in

the incidents and their disposition; but the story is too well

known, and too scandalous, to be particularly detailed.

"The scene is laid in Magna Graecia; Encolpius is the chief character

in the work, and the narrator of events;-- he commences by a lamentation

on the decline of eloquence, and while listening to the reply of

Agamemnon, a professor of oratory, he loses his companion, Ascyltos.

Wandering through the town in search of him, he is finally conducted

by an old woman to a retirement where the incidents that occur are

analogous to the scene. The subsequent adventures,-- the feast of

Trimalchio,-- the defection and return of Giton,-- the amour of

Eumolpus in Bithynia,-- the voyage in the vessel of Lichas,-- the

passion and disappointment of Circe,-- all these follow each other

without much art of arrangement, an apparent defect which may arise

from the mutilated form in which the satire has descended to us.

"The style of Petronius has been much applauded for its elegance,--

it certainly possesses considerable naivete and grace, and is by much

too fine a veil for so deformed a body."

From Addison's Preface to his Translation of Petronius: "'Petronius,'

says that judicious critic, Mons. St. Evremond, 'is to be admired

throughout, for the purity of his style and the delicacy of his

sentiments; but that which more surprises me, is his great easiness

in giving us ingenuously all sorts of Characters. Terence is perhaps

the only author of Antiquity that enters best into the nature of

persons. But still this fault I find in him, that he has too little

variety; his whole talent being confined in making servants and old

men, a covetous father and a debauched son, a slave and an intriguer,

to speak properly, according to their several characters. So far,

and no farther, the capacity of Terence reaches. You must not expect

from him either gallantry or passion, either thoughts or the discourse

of a gentleman. Petronius, who had a universal wit, hits upon the

genius of all professions, and adapts himself, as he pleases, to a

thousand different natures. If he introduces a Declaimer, he assumes

his air and his style so well, that one could say he had used to

declaim all his life. Nothing expresses more naturally the constant

disorders of a debauched life than these everlasting quarrels of

Encolpius and Ascyltos about Giton.

"Is not Quartilla an admirable portrait of a prostitute woman? Does

not the marriage of young Giton and innocent Pannychis give us the

image of a complete wantonness?

"All that a sot ridiculously magnificent in banquets, a vain affecter

of niceness, and an impertinent, are able to do, you have at the Feast

of Trimalchio.

"Eumolpus shows us Nero's extravagant folly for the Theater, and his

vanity in reciting his own poems; and you may observe, as you run

over so many noble verses, of which he makes an ill use, that an

excellent poet may be a very ill man. . . . The infirmity he has of

making verses out of season, even at death's door; his fluentness in

repeating his compositions in all places and at all times, answers his

most ridiculous setting out, where he characteristically tells him,

"I am a Poet, and I hope, of no ordinary genius.' . . .

"There is nothing so natural as the character of Chrysis, and none of

our confidantes come near her. Not to mention her first conversation

with Polyaenus,-- what she tells him of her mistress, upon the affront

she received, has an inimitable simplicity. But nobody, besides

Petronius, could have described Circe, so beautiful, so voluptuous,

and so polite. Enothea, the Priestess of Priapus, ravishes me with

the miracles she promises, with her enchantments, her sacrifices, her

sorrow for the death of the consecrated goose, and the manner in which

she is pacified when Polyaenus makes her a present, with which she

might purchase a goose and gods too, if she thought fit.

"Philumena, that complaisant lady, is no less entertaining, who after

she had cullied several men out of their estates, in the flower of

her beauty, now being old and by consequence unfit for pleasures,

endeavored to keep up this noble trade by the means of her children,

whom she took every opportunity to introduce with a thousand fine

discourses to old men, who had no heirs of their own.

"In a word, there is no part of Nature, no profession, which Petronius

doth not admirably paint. He is a Poet, an Orator, a Philosopher,

and much more besides, at his pleasure."

Lastly Teufel, writing of the Satyricon in Pauly's Encyclopedia,

says: "The whole plan of the work is that of a novel; two freedmen,

Encolpius and Ascyltos, are enamored of a boy Giton, and the

adventures which have their origin in this circumstance, and

which they encounter severally, the acquaintances which they

make (for instance of Trimalchio and Eumolpus), form the contents

at least of that portion of the book which has come down to us.

But the book contains in this dress of a narrative, descriptions

of manners, partly of single places (for example of Croton),

partly of certain classes (for example of Trimalchio, a rich

upstart, who apes the manners of a refined man of the world, but

exposes himself most ridiculously, of Encolpius, a good-natured,

cowardly and licentious Greek, of Eumolpus, a vain and tasteless

poet, and at the same time a thoroughly demoralized preacher of

virtue), all drawn with masterly truthfulness even to the minutest

detail. The tone is humorous throughout; the dramatis personae

act and speak, even in the most offensive circumstances, with an

openness, unconcern and self-satisfaction, as if they had the most

undoubted right to be and think as they do; at the same time, a vein

of gentle irony pervades the whole, which indicates the author's

moral independence and higher standpoint, as well as his sincere

gratification at the amusing and filthy scenes which he describes;

he accompanies his heroes at every step with a smile on his lips

and a low laugh. The work belongs therefore, by its contents as

well as its tone, to the department of satire, resembling in tone

Horace, in form the Minippean satire.

"For not only does the language occasionally pass over from prose to

verse (limping iambs and trochees), but entire poems of greater extent

are interwoven (Troiae Halosis and Bellum Civile), which are usually

put in the mouth of Eumolpus, and which always have a satirical object,

sometimes a double one, as in the case with the Bellum Civile, which

ridicules Lucan, as well as his opponents personified by Eumolpus,

the writer with genuine humor placing himself above both, and dealing

against both his blows with impartial justice. The language is always

suited to the character of the persons speaking, elegant in Encolpius,

bombastic in Trimalchio. The language put in the mouth of the last is

for us an invaluable specimen of the lingua Romana rustica, as it

obtained in that part of Italy where the scene is laid,-- in Campania,

and especially Naples. In conformity with the originally Greek

character of this region, the language of Trimalchio and his

companions is full of Greek words and Grecisms of the boldest kind

(such as coupling the neuter plural with the verb in the singular).

Characteristic of the local dialect are the many archaisms, compounds

not known in the written language, the frequent solecisms, the many

proverbial and extravagant expressions, the numerous oaths and curses."

A brilliant passage from Emile Thomas' remarkable study of Petronius

and contemporary Roman society, entitled, "Petrone: L'Envers de la

Societe Romaine" (Paris, 1902), may fitly sum up the situation.

"This romance," he writes, "such delightful and at the same time

such difficult reading, a work at once exquisite and repulsive,

gives us by virtue of its defects no less than of its merits a fairly

adequate representation of the under-side of Roman civilization.

Would it not be a gain, and a great one, for the systematic history

of morals and literature at Rome to restore this work to its proper

place? and is not this place pretty well identical, barring of course

the difference of field and form, with that reserved in Greek Art

for the vases, statuettes and pottery of Tanagra, and of the periods

before and after Tanagra; in one word, whatever allows us to

comprehend, or at least get a glimpse of, the Ancient world under

the aspects of its everyday life? Everybody knows how successful

has been the revolution, and how fruitful in results, which has

been brought about under our own eyes in these departments of

Greek History and Archeology.

"Well! here (in Petronius) we have among the authors of Rome a

veritable genre painter, of a sort to take the place for us, at

any rate in part, of the graceful vase-paintings of Antiquity, as

well as of the grotesques of Greek art.

"From yet another aspect, not a few points of resemblance may be

detected between Petronius and the lighter literary productions,

novels, tales, burlesque narratives, vers de societe, and even

journals, of the last two Centuries. Our Author is refined, not

to say blase, but none the less inquisitive, full both of sagacity

and passion, always exact, and above and beyond all else, a supreme

master of style. Laying aside all false delicacy, let us hear what

he has to tell us of the daily routine, of the outward aspect, and

even of the hidden secrets, of Roman existence. Nowhere else has

human life been lived on an ampler scale; no other people, no other

society, has ever displayed so much variety, so many contrasts,

such heights of grandeur and such depths of degradation."

ALFRED R. ALLINSON.

THE SATYRICON

CHAPTER ONE

Such a long time has passed since first I promised you the story of my

adventures I am resolved to keep my word today, seeing we are happily

met together to season those matters with lively conversation and tales

of a merry and diverting sort.

Fabricius Veiento was discoursing very wisely to us just now on the

follies of superstition, exposing the various forms of priestly

charlatanry, the holy men's mania for prophecy, and the effrontery

they display in expounding mysteries they very often utterly fail to

comprehend themselves. Is it not much the same type of madness that

afflicts our declaimers, who shout: "These wounds I got, defending

our common liberties; this eye I lost in your behalf. Give me a

helping hand to lead me to my children, for my poor maimed limbs

refuse to bear my weight." Even such extravagances might be borne,

if they really served to guide beginners in the way of eloquence; but

all pupils gain by these high-flown themes, these empty sounding

phrases, is this, that on entering the forum they imagine themselves

transported into a new and strange world.

This is the reason, in my opinion, why young men grow up such

blockheads in the schools, because they neither see nor hear one

single thing connected with the usual circumstances of everyday

life, nothing but stuff about pirates lurking on the seashore with

fetters in their hands, tyrants issuing edicts to compel sons to

cut off their own fathers' heads, oracles in times of pestilence

commanding three virgins or more to be sacrificed to stay the

plague,-- honey-sweet, well-rounded sentences, words and facts

alike as it were, besprinkled with poppy and sesame.

Under such a training it is no more possible to acquire good taste

than it is not to stink, if you live in a kitchen. Give me leave to

tell you that you rhetoricians are chiefly to blame for the ruin of

Oratory, for with your silly, idle phrases, meant only to tickle

the ears of an audience, you have enervated and deboshed the very

substance of true eloquence.

Young men were not bound down to declamations in the days when Sophocles

and Euripides found the very words they wanted to best express their

meaning. No cloistered professor had as yet darkened men's intellects,

when Pindar and the nine Lyric bards shrank from emulating the Homeric

note. And not to cite poets exclusively,-- I cannot see that either

Plato or Demosthenes ever practised this sort of mental exercise. A

noble, and so to say chaste, style is not overloaded with ornament,

not turgid; its own natural beauty gives it elevation.

Then after a while this windy, extravagant deluge of words invaded

Athens from Asia, and like a malignant star, blasting the minds of

young men aiming at lofty ideals, instantly broke up all rules of

art and struck eloquence dumb. Since that day who has reached the

perfection of Thucydides, the glory of Hyperides? Nay! not a poem

has been written of bright and wholesome complexion; but all, as if

fed on the same unhealthy diet, have lacked stamina to attain old age.

Painting moreover shared the same fate, after Egypt presumptuously

invented a compendious method for that noble Art.

Such and suchlike reflections I was indulging in one day before a

numerous audience, when Agamemnon came up, curious to see who it was

they were listening to so attentively. Well! he declined to allow

me to declaim longer in the Portico than he had himself sweated in

the schools but: "Young man," he cries, "seeing your words are

something better than mere popular commonplaces, and-- a very rare

occurrence-- you are an admirer of sound sense, I will confide to

you a professional secret. In the choice of these exercises it is

not the masters that are to blame. They are forced to be just as

mad as all the rest; for if they refuse to teach what pleases their

scholars, they will be left, as Cicero says, to lecure to empty

benches. Just as false-hearted sycophants, scheming for a seat at

a rich man's table, make it their chief business to discover what

will be most agreeable hearing to their host, for indeed their only

way to gain their end is by cajolement and flattery; so a professor

of Rhetoric, unless like a fisherman he arm his hook with the bait

he knows the fish will take, may stand long enough on his rock

without a chance of success.

"Whose fault is it then? It is the parents deserve censure, who

will not give their children the advantages of a strict training.

In the first place their hopes, like everything else, are centered

in ambition, and so being impatient to see their wishes fulfilled,

they hurry lads into the forum when still raw and half taught, and

indue mere babes with the mantle of eloquence, an art they admit

themselves to be equaled by none in difficulty. If only they would

let them advance step by step in their tasks, so that serious

students might be broken in by solid reading, steady their minds

with the precepts of philosophy, chasten their style with unsparing

correction, study deep and long what they propose to imitate, and

refuse to be dazzled by puerile graces, then and then only would

the grand old type of Oratory recover its former authority and

stateliness. Nowadays, boys waste their time at school; as youths,

they are jeered at in the forum, and what is worse than either, no

one will acknowledge, as an old man, the faultiness of the teaching

he received in his younger days.

"But that you may not imagine I disapprove of satirical impromptus

in the Lucilian vein, I will myself throw my notions on this matter

into verse:

"He that would be an orator, must strive

To follow out the discipline of old,

And heed the laws of stern frugality;

Not his to haunt the Court with fawning brow,

Nor sit a flatterer at great folks' boards;

Not his with boon companions o'er the wine

To overcloud his brain, nor at the play

To sit and clap, agape at actors' tricks.

But whether to Tritonia's famous halls

The Muses lead his steps, or to those walls

That Spartan exiles rear'd or where

The Sirens' song thrill'd the enraptured air

Of all his tasks let Poesy be first,

And Homer's verse the fount to quench his thirst.

Soon will be master deep Socratic lore,

And wield the arms Demosthenes erst bore.

Then to new modes must he in turn be led,

And Grecian wit to Roman accents wed.

Nor in the forum only will he find

Meet occupation for his busy mind;

On books he'll feast, the poet's words of fire,

Heroic tales of War and Tully's patriot ire,

Such be thy studies; then, whate'er the theme,

Pour forth thine eloquence in copious stream."

Listening attentively to the speaker, I never noticed that Ascyltos had

given me the slip; and I was still walking up and down in the gardens

full of the burning words I had heard, when a great mob of students

rushed into the Portico. Apparently these had just come from hearing

an impromptu lecture of some critic or other who had been cutting up

Agamemnon's speech. So whilst the lads were making fun of his

sentiments and abusing the arrangement of the whole discourse, I

seized the opportunity to escape, and started off at a run in pursuit

of Ascyltos. But I was heedless about the road I followed, and indeed

felt by no means sure of the situation of our inn, the result being

that whichever direction I took, I presently found myself back again

at my starting point. At last, exhausted with running and dripping

with sweat, I came across a little old woman, who was selling herbs.

"Prithee, good mother," say I, "can you tell me where I live?"

Charmed with the quiet absurdity of my question, "Why certainly!"

she replied; and getting up, went on before me. I thought she

must be a witch; but presently, when we had arrived at a rather

shy neighborhood, the obliging old lady drew back the curtain of

a doorway, and said, "Here is where you ought to live."

I was just protesting I did not know the house, when I catch sight

of mysterious figures prowling between rows of name-boards, and

naked harlots. Then when too late, I saw I had been brought into

a house of ill fame. So cursing the old woman's falseness, I threw

my robe over my head and made a dash right through the brothel to

the opposite door, when lo! just on the threshold, whom should I

meet but Ascyltos, fagged out and half dead like myself? You would

have thought the very same old hag had been his conductress. I

made him a mocking bow, and asked him what he was doing in such

a disreputable place?

Wiping the sweat from his face with both hands, he replied, "If

you only knew what happened to me!"

"Why! what has happened?" said I.

Then in a faint voice he went on, "I was wandering all over the

town, without being able to discover where I had left our inn, when

a respectable looking man accosted me, and most politely offered to

show me the way. Then after traversing some very dark and intricate

alleys, he brought me where we are, and producing his affair, began

begging me to grant him my favors. In two twos the woman had taken

the fee for the room, and the man laid hold of me; and if I had not

proved the stronger, I should have fared very ill indeed."

While Ascyltos was thus recounting his adventures, up came his

respectable friend again, accompanied by a woman of considerable

personal attractions, and addressing himself to Ascyltos, besought

him to enter, assuring him he had nothing to fear, and that as he

would not consent to play the passive, he should do the active

part. The woman on her side was very anxious I should go with

her. Accordingly we followed the pair, who led us among the

name-boards, where we saw in the chambers persons of both sexes

behaving in such fashion I concluded they must every one have been

drinking satyrion. On seeing us, they endeavored to allure us to

sodomy with enticing gestures; and suddenly one fellow with his

clothes well tucked up assails Ascyltos, and throwing him down on

a bed, tries to get to work a-top of him. I spring to the sufferer's

rescue, and uniting our efforts, we make short work of the ruffian.

Ascyltos bolts out of the house, and away, leaving me to escape

their beastly advances as best I might; but discovering I was too

strong for them and in no mood for trifling, they left me alone.

After running about almost over the city, I caught sight of Giton,

as it were a fog, standing at the corner of an alley close to the

door of our inn, and hurried to join him. I asked my favorite

whether he had got anything ready for our dinner, whereupon the lad

sat down on the bed and began wiping away the tears with his thumb.

Much disturbed at my favorite's distress, I demanded what had

happened. For a long time I could not drag a word out of him, not

indeed till I had added threats to prayers. Then he reluctantly

told me. "That favorite or comrade of yours came into our lodging

just now, and set to work to force me. When I screamed he drew

a sword and said, 'If you're a Lucretia, you've found a Tarquin'."

Hearing this, I exclaimed, shaking my two fists in Ascyltos' face.

"What have you to say now, you pathic prostitute, you, whose very

breath is abominable?" Ascyltos feigned extreme indignation, and

immediately repeated my gesture with greater emphasis, crying in

still louder tones, "Will you hold your tongue, you filthy gladiator,

who after murdering your host, had luck enough to escape from the

criminals' cage at the Amphitheater? Will you hold your tongue,

you midnight cut-throat, who never, when at your bravest, durst face

an honest woman? Didn't I serve you for a minion in an orchard,

just as this lad does now in an inn?"

"Did you or did you not," I interrupted, "sneak off from the

master's lecture?"

"What was I to do, fool, when I was dying of hunger? Stop and

listen to a string of phrases no better than the tinkling of broken

glass or the nonsensical interpretations in dream books? By great

Hercules, you are dead baser than I; to compass a dinner you have

condescended to flatter a Poet!" This ended our unseemly wrangle,

and we both burst into a fit of laughter, and proceeded to discuss

other matters in a more peaceable tone.

But the recollection of his late violence coming over me afresh,

"Ascyltos," I said, "I see we cannot get on together; so let us

divide between us our bits of common funds, and each try to make

head against poverty on his own bottom. You are a scholar; so

am I. I don't wish to spoil your profits, so I'll take up

another line. Else shall we find a thousand causes of quarrel

every day, and soon make ourselves the talk of the town."

Ascyltos raised no objection, merely saying, "For today, as we

have accepted, in our quality of men of letters, an invitation to

dine out, don't let us lose our evening; but tomorrow, since you

wish it, I will look out for a new lodging and another bedfellow."

"Poor work," said I, "putting off the execution of a good plan."

It was really my naughty passions that urged me to so speedy a

parting; indeed I had been long wishing to be rid of his jealous

observation, in order to renew my old relations with my sweet Giton.

Ascyltos, mortally offended at my remark, rushed out of the room

without another word. So sudden a departure boded ill; for I knew

his ungovernable temper and the strength of his passions. So I

went after him, to keep an eye on his doings and guard against

their consequences; but he slipped adroitly out of my sight, and

I wasted a long time in a fruitless search for the rascal.

After looking through the whole city, I came back to my little room,

and now at length claiming my full tale of kisses, I clip my darling

lad in the tightest of embraces; my utmost hopes of bliss are

fulfilled to the envy of all mankind. The rites were not yet

complete, when Ascyltos crept up stealthily to the door, and

violently bursting in the bolts, caught me at play with his

favorite. His laughter and applause filled the room, and tearing

off the mantle that covered us, "Why! what are you after," he cries,

"my sainted friend? What! both tucked cozily under one coverlet?"

Nor did he stop at words, but detaching the strap from his wallet,

he fell to thrashing me with no perfunctory hand, seasoning his

blows with insulting remarks. "This is the way you divide stock

with a comrade, is it? Not so fast, my friend." So unexpected

was the attack I was obliged to put up with the blows in silence.

Accordingly I took the matter as a joke, and it was well I did so;

otherwise I should have had to fight my rival. My counterfeited

merriment calmed his anger, and he even smiled faintly. "Look you,

Encolpius," said he, "are you so buried in your pleasures, you

never reflect that our money is exhausted, and the trifles we have

left are valueless. Town is good for nothing in the summer days;

there'll be better luck in the country. Let's go visit our friends."

CHAPTER TWO

Necessity constrained me to approve his advice and restrain the

expression of my resentment. So, loading Giton with our scanty

baggage, we quitted the city and made our way to the country

house of Lycurgus, a Roman knight. Ascyltos had been a minion

in former days, so he gave us an excellent reception, and the

company assembled there rendered our entertainment still more

delightful. First and foremost was Tryphaena, a very handsome

woman, who had come with Lichas, master of a ship and owner of

estates near the seacoast.

Words cannot describe the pleasures we enjoyed in this most

delightful spot, though Lycurgus's table was frugal enough.

You must know we lost no time in pairing off as lovers. The

lovely Tryphaena was my fancy, and readily acceded to my wishes.

But scarcely was I in enjoyment of her favors, when Lichas,

furious at his lady-love being filched from him, insisted I

must indemnify him for the injury done him. She had long been

his mistress; so he made the festive proposal that I should

make good his loss in person. He pressed me passionately;

but Tryphaena possessing my heart, my ears were deaf to his

importunities. My refusal made him still more eager and he

followed me about like a dog, and actually came into my chamber

one night. Finding his entreaties scorned, he tried to force me;

but I shouted so loudly I roused the household and by favor of

Lycurgus's countenance was saved from the ruffian's attempts.

Eventually thinking Lycurgus's house inconvenient for his

purpose, he endeavored to persuade me to be his guest. When

I refused his invitation, he got Tryphaena to use her influence.

The latter begged me to comply with Lichas's wishes, what made

her so ready to do so being the prospect of leading a more

independent life there. Accordingly I follow where my love

leads the way. But Lycurgus, having renewed his former relations

with Ascyltos, would not let him go. So we agreed that he should

stop with Lycurgus, whilst we accompanied Lichas, resolving at

the same time that, as opportunity offered, we should each and

all lay hands on anything handy for the common stock.

My consent delighted Lichas beyond measure. He hurried on

our departure all he could, and forthwith bidding our friends

farewell, we arrived the same day at his house. Lichas had

cleverly arranged it in such a way that he sat beside me during

the journey, while Tryphaena was next to Giton. This he had

contrived because he knew the woman's notorious fickleness,

and the result justified his expectations. In fact she

instantly fell in love with the lad, as I saw easily enough.

Lichas moreover made a point of drawing my attention to the

circumstance, and assured me there was no doubt about it.

This made me receive his advances more complacently, at which

he was overjoyed. He felt certain the injury my mistress was

doing me would turn my love into contempt, and that consequently

out of pique against Tryphaena, I should be the more disposed

to welcome his proposals.

Such was the state of affairs under Lichas's roof. Tryphaena

was desperately enamored of Giton; Giton's whole heart was

aflame for Tryphaena; I hated the sight of both; while Lichas,

studying to please me, contrived some fresh diversion every

day. Doris, his pretty wife, eagerly seconded his efforts,

and that so charmingly she soon drove Tryphaena from my heart.

A wink informed Doris of the state of my feelings, and she

returned the compliment with alluring glances; so that this

mute language, anticipating the tongue, furtively expressed the

mutual liking we had simultaneously conceived for one another.

I soon saw Lichas was jealous, and this made me cautious;

while the quick eyes of love had already revealed to the wife

the husband's designs on me. The first opportunity we had of

conversing together, she announced her discovery to me. I

frankly admitted the fact, and told her how austerely I had

always treated his advances. But like a wise, discreet woman,

she only said, "Well! well! we must act judiciously in the

matter." I followed her advice, and found that, to yield to

the one was to win the other.

Meanwhile, while Giton was recruiting his exhausted strength,

Tryphaena was for returning to me; but on my repulsing her

overtures, her love changed into furious hate. Nor was the

ardent little wanton long in discovering my dealings both

with husband and wife. The former's naughtiness with me she

made light of, for she lost nothing by it; but she went

savagely for Doris and her secret pleasures. She denounced

her to Lichas, whose jealousy proving stronger than his love,

he prepared for revenge. However Doris, warned by Tryphaena's

maid to look out for storms, refrained from any clandestine

meetings for the present.

As soon as I learned the truth, cursing at once Tryphaena's

perfidy and Lichas's ingratitude, I made up my mind to be

gone. Fortune moreover was in my favor; for the very day

before a vessel, dedicated to Isis and laden with rich

offerings for the feast of the goddess, had run ashore on

the rocks of the neighboring coast.

I talked the matter over with Giton, and he readily enough

agreed to my plan, for Tryphaena, after draining him of his

strength, was now openly neglecting him. Accordingly we set

off betimes next day for the coast, and easily got aboard the

wreck as we were known to Lichas's servants, who were in charge.

But finding they insisted on attending us everywhere out of

politeness, so stopping any chance of looting, I left Giton

with them and seizing an opportunity to get away by myself,

crept into the poop, where stood the image of Isis. This I

robbed of a rich mantle and a silver sistrum, besides

appropriating other valuables from the Captain's cabin. This

done, I slipped down a mooring-rope without anybody seeing me

except Giton, who likewise eluded the men in charge before

very long and sneaked after me.

On his coming up, I showed him my booty, and we resolved to

make the best of our way to Ascyltos, but we could not reach

Lycurgus's house till next day. Arrived there, I gave Ascyltos

a brief account of the robbery, and of our untoward love

adventures. His advice was to get Lycurgus on our side,

telling him that fresh persecutions on the part of Lichas had

determined our sudden and secret flight. When he heard this

Lycurgus took an oath he would never fail us as a bulwark

against our enemies.

Our flight was not observed until Tryphaena and Doris awoke

and got up; for every morning we made a point of attending

these ladies' toilette. Our unwonted absence therefore being

noticed, Lichas dispatched messengers to look for us,

particularly to the seashore. From them he heard of our

having visited the ship, but not a word about the robbery.

This was still undiscovered, because the poop lay seawards,

and the Master had not as yet returned to his vessel.

Eventually, when no doubt remained as to our flight, which

annoyed Lichas extremely, the latter turned furiously upon

Doris, considering her to be responsible for it. I will not

describe his language nor the violence he indulged in towards

her; indeed I do not know the details. Enough to say that

Tryphaena, the originator of all the disturbance, prevailed on

Lichas to go and look for us at Lycurgus's house, as being our

most likely place of refuge, choosing herself to accompany him

thither, that she might find opportunity to load us with the

abuse and scorn we had so well merited at her hands.

Setting out next day, they arrived at the mansion. We were not

at home, Lycurgus having taken us to a feast of Hercules that

was being celebrated at a neighboring village. Learning this,

they followed us in all haste, and came up with us in the Portico

of the Temple. Their appearance disconcerted us not a little.

Lichas instantly began to complain bitterly of our running away to

Lycurgus; but was met with such an angry brow and haughty air

by the latter, that plucking up a spirit, I loudly cried shame on

his lecherous attempts on my person both under Lycurgus's roof

and his own. Tryphaena interfered, but got the worst of it,

too, for I proclaimed her baseness to the crowds of people our

altercation had attracted, and in token of the truth of my

allegations, I showed them Giton pale and bloodless and myself

brought to death's door by the strumpet's wantonness. The

crowd burst into loud shouts of laughter, which so abashed our

adversaries that they withdrew, crestfallen and vowing vengeance.

Perceiving we had quite won Lycurgus over, they determined to

wait for him at his own house, in order to disabuse his mind

of this prepossession in our favor. The solemnities finished

too late for us to return to the mansion that night; so Lycurgus

took us to a country lodge of his situated halfway thither.

Here he left us next morning still asleep, while he went home

himself to attend to the dispatch of business. He found Lichas

and Tryphaena waiting for him there, who talked him over so

cleverly, they actually persuaded him to deliver us up into

their hands. Lycurgus, a man naturally cruel and treacherous,

meditating how best to betray us, urged Lichas to go for help,

while he went himself to the lodge to secure our capture.

Arrived there, he accosted us with as harsh a mien as ever

Lichas might have been expected to show; then, wringing his

hands, he upbraided us with our falsehood to Lichas, and

ordered us to be kept fast prisoners in the chamber where

we lay, excluding Ascyltos and refusing to hear a word from

him in our defense. Taking the latter with him to his mansion,

he left us behind in custody till his return.

On the journey Ascyltos tried in vain to modify Lycurgus's

determination, but neither prayers, caresses nor tears would

move him. Accordingly our comrade conceived the idea of setting

us at liberty by other means. Indignant at Lycurgus's harshness,

he positively refused to sleep with him, and so found himself

in a better position to carry out the plan he had formed.

Waiting till the household were buried in their first sleep,

he took our bits of baggage on his shoulders, and slipping

through a breach in the wall he had previously marked, he

reached the lodge at daybreak. Entering the house unopposed,

he sought our room, which the guards had taken care to secure.

There was little difficulty in opening the door, for the bolt

being of wood, he loosened this by inserting an iron bar.

Presently the lock dropped off, and awoke us in falling, for

we were snoring away in spite of our unhappy situation. Yet

so sound asleep were our guards, being tired out with watching,

that the crash roused no one but ourselves.

Then Ascyltos, entering our prison, briefly told us what he

had done for us, nor indeed were many words necessary. While

we were busy dressing, it occurred to me to kill the watchmen

and loot the house. I confided my notion to Ascyltos, who

approved of the robbery, but said we could gain our ends better

without bloodshed. Accordingly, knowing as he did all the ins

and outs of the premises, he led us to the store chamber, the

doors of which he undid. Appropriating the more valuable of

the contents, we made off while it was still early morning,

and avoiding the public roads, never stopped till we deemed

ourselves safe from pursuit.

Hereupon Ascyltos, taking breath, declared emphatically what

delight he had felt in pillaging Lycurgus's house. He was

an arrant miser, he said, and had given him good reason to

complain; while he had never paid him a farthing for his

nights' work, he had at the same time kept him on very short

commons and the thinnest of drink. So niggardly indeed was

the fellow that notwithstanding his boundless wealth, he used

to deny himself the barest necessaries of life.

Unhappy Tantalus, with plenty curst,

'Mid fruits for hunger faints, 'mid streams for thirst:

The Miser's emblem! who of all possess'd,

Yet fears to taste, in blessings most unbless'd.

Ascyltos was for returning to Naples that same day. "But

surely," said I, "it is acting imprudently to go to the very

place of all others where they are most likely to look for us.

Let us keep away for a while and ramble about the country.

We have the means to do it in comfort." My advice was approved,

and we set out for a hamlet embellished with a number of

agreeable country residences, where several of our familiars

were enjoying the pleasures of the season. But scarcely had

we covered half the distance when a storm of rain coming down

in bucketfuls compelled us to fly for shelter to the nearest

village. Entering the inn, we found a crowd of other travelers

who had turned in there to escape the inclemency of the weather.

The throng prevented our attracting notice, which made it all

the easier for us to pry about in search of anything we could

appropriate. Ascyltos picked up from the floor, quite

unobserved, a little bag containing a number of gold pieces.

We were delighted at this lucky beginning; but fearing some one

might claim the money, we stole away by the back door. There

we found a servant saddling some horses, who at that moment

left them to go back to the house for something he had forgotten.

Profiting by his absence, I snatched a superb riding-cloak from

a saddle, undoing the straps that fastened it. This done, we

made off into the nearest wood under cover of some outhouses.

Sitting down in the depths of the wood, where we were in

comparative safety, we held a council of war about concealing

the gold, not wishing either to be accused of the theft or to

be robbed of it ourselves. Finally we decided to sew it up in

a hem of an old threadbare tunic, which I threw round my

shoulders, and entrusting the cloak to Ascyltos, we prepared

to start for the city by way of bypaths. But just as we were

quitting the forest, we hear a voice pronounce these terrible

words: "They shan't escape. They've gone into the wood; and if

we spread out and search everywhere, they'll easily be caught."

These words filled us with such consternation that Ascyltos and

Giton dashed away through the bushes in the direction of the

city; while I stepped back so hurriedly that, without my knowing

it, the precious tunic slipped from my shoulders. At length,

tired out and unable to go a step further, I lay down under a

tree, and then for the first time discovered my loss. Vexation

gave me new strength, and starting up again to look for the

treasure, I wandered up and down for a long time in vain,

till worn out with toil and trouble I plunged into the darkest

recesses of the forest, where I remained for four weary hours.

Sick at last of the horrible solitude, I sought a way out, but

as I advanced I caught sight of a peasant. Then indeed I wanted

all my assurance, and it did not fail me. Going boldly up to

him, I asked my way to the city, complaining I had been lost

for ever so long in the wood. He led me very civilly into the

high road, where he came upon two of his comrades, who reported

they had searched all the paths through the forest, but had

found nothing except a tunic which they showed him.

I had not the impudence to claim the garment, as may be supposed.

My vexation redoubled, and I uttered many a groan over my lost gold.

Thus it was already late when I reached the city. Entering the

inn, I found Ascyltos stretched half dead on a bed. Disturbed

at not seeing the tunic intrusted to my care, Ascyltos eagerly

demanded it. After a while my strength came back a little, and

I then told him the whole misadventure; but he thought I was

joking, and though an appealing flood of tears further confirmed

my asseverations, he remained obviously incredulous, thinking I

wanted to cheat him out of the money. But after all, what most

troubled our minds was the hue and cry after us. I mentioned

this to Ascyltos, but he made light of it, having managed to

extricate himself successfully from the affair. Besides he was

convinced we were safe enough, for we were not known, and nobody

had set eyes on us. Still we thought it advisable to feign

sickness, so as to have a pretext for keeping our room the

longer. But our cash running short, we had to go abroad sooner

than we had intended, and under the spur of necessity to sell

some of our plunder.

CHAPTER THREE

On the approach of night we took our way to the market-place, where we saw

an abundance of goods for sale, not indeed articles of any great value, but

rather such as needed the kindly veil of darkness, considering their rather

shady origin. Thither we also conveyed our stolen riding-cloak, and

seizing the opportunity, displayed a corner of it in a quiet spot, hoping

a buyer might be attracted by the beauty of the garment.

It was not long before a countryman, whose face seemed somehow familiar

to me, approached in company with a young woman, and began to examine the

cloak minutely. On the other part Ascyltos, casting his eye on the rustic

customer's shoulders, was instantly struck dumb with surprise. Nor could

I myself avoid some perturbation of mind when I saw him; for he appeared

to be the identical peasant who had found our old tunic in the loneliness

of the wood. Yes! he was the very man. But Ascyltos, afraid to trust

his eyes and anxious not to do anything rash, first went up to the fellow

as a would-be purchaser, drew the tunic from his shoulders and began to

scrutinize it carefully.

By a wonderful stroke of luck the rustic had not as yet had the

curiosity to search the seams, but was offering the thing for sale

with an indifferent air as some beggar-man's leavings. When Ascyltos

saw our money was intact and that the vendor was a person of no great

account, he drew me a little aside from the throng and said, "Do you

observe, comrade, our treasure that I was regretting as lost is come

back again? That is our tunic and it seems to have the gold pieces

in it still: they haven't been touched. But what can we do about it?

How are we to prove ownership?" I was greatly cheered not only at

beholding our loot once more, but also because I thus found myself

freed from a villainous suspicion, and at once declared against any

sort of beating about the bush. I advised we should bring a civil

action right out to compel him to give up the property to its rightful

owners by law, if he refused to do so otherwise.

Not so Ascyltos, who had a wholesome fear of the law. "Who knows us,"

he said, "in this place, or will believe what we say? My own strong

opinion is we should buy the property, our own though it be, now we

see it, and rather pay a small sum to recover our treasure than get

mixed up in a lawsuit, the issue of which is uncertain."

What worth our laws, when pelf alone is king,

When to be poor is to be always wrong?

The Cynic sage himself, stern moralist,

Is not averse to sell his words for gold;

Justice is bought, the highest bidder wins,

A partial Judge directs a venal Court.

But alas! except for a brace of copper coins, which we had purposed to

spend on lupines and peas, we were penniless just then. So, for fear

the prey might escape us meanwhile, we resolved to part with the cloak

at a lower price, making the profit on the one transaction balance the

loss on the other. Accordingly we spread out our merchandise; but the

woman who had hitherto been standing beside the countryman closely

muffled, now suddenly, after carefully scanning certain marks on the

cloak, laid hold of the hem with both hands, and screamed out "Stop,

thieves! Stop, thieves!" at the top of her voice.

At this we were not a little disconcerted, but that we might not seem

to acquiesce without a protest, we in our turn seized the tattered,

filthy tunic, and declared no less spitefully it was our goods they

had in their possession. But our case was far from being on all fours

with theirs; and the crowd, that had gathered at the outcry, began to

make fun of our impertinent claim, and not unnaturally, when on the

one side they asserted their right to a most valuable cloak, but we

to this old rag hardly worth mending. However Ascyltos adroitly

stopped their ridicule by crying out, directly he could get a hearing,

"Well! look you, every man likes his own property best; let 'em give

us up our tunic, and they shall have their cloak."

Both the rustic and the young woman were ready enough to make the

exchange; but a couple of attorneys, or to give them their true name,

night-prowlers, who wanted to appropriate the cloak themselves,

demanded that both the articles in dispute should be deposited with

them, and the Judge look into the case in the morning; for not only

must the ownership of these be investigated, but quite another

question altogether as well, to wit, a suspicion of theft on the

part of both parties.

The bystanders were by this time all in favor of sequestration, and an

individual in the crowd, a bald man with a very pimply face, who was in

the habit of undertaking occasional jobs for the lawyers, impounded the

cloak, saying he would produce it on the morrow. But the real object

was self-evident, that the knavish crew having once got hold of the

article in question, they might smuggle it out of the way, while we

should be scared by the fear of a charge of theft from putting in an

appearance at the appointed time. This was very much what we wanted

ourselves, and luck seconded the wishes of both parties. For the

countryman, indignant at our requiring the surrender of an old rag,

threw the tunic in Ascyltos's face, and withdrawing his own claim

altogether, merely demanded the sequestration of the cloak as the

only object of litigation. Having thus recovered our treasure, as

we felt, we rush off full speed for our inn, and bolting the room

door, start making merry over the astuteness both of our opponents

and of the crowd, who had exercised so much ingenuity in giving us

back our money!

As we were unstitching the tunic to take out the gold pieces, we

overheard some one asking the innkeeper what kind of people they

were who had just entered his house. Terrified at the question, I

went down after he had gone, to see what was the matter, and found

that a Pretor's lictor, whose duty it was to see the names of

strangers entered in the public registers, had seen two such enter

the inn, whose names he had not yet taken down, and was therefore

making inquiries as to their nationality and business. This

information the inn-keeper gave in such an offhand manner as made

me suspect his house was not altogether a safe place for us; so,

to avoid the chance of arrest, we determined to leave the place

and not return till after dark. Accordingly we sallied forth,

leaving the care of providing our dinner to Giton.

As our wish was to avoid the frequented streets, we went by way of

the more lonely districts of the city. Towards nightfall we met

in a remote spot two respectably robed and good-looking women, and

followed them slowly and softly to a small temple, which they entered,

and from which a strange humming was audible, like the sound of voices

issuing from the recesses of a cavern. Curiosity impelled us likewise

to enter the temple, and there we beheld a number of women, resembling

Bacchantes, each brandishing an emblem of Priapus in her right hand.

This was all we were permitted to see; for the instant they caught

sight of us, they set up such a shouting the vault of the sacred

building trembled, and tried to seize hold of us. But we fled as

fast as our legs would carry us back to our inn.

Scarcely had we eaten our fill of the dinner Giton had provided us,

when the door resounded with a most imperative knocking. Turning

pale, we demanded, "Who's there?"-- "Open the door," was the answer,

"and you'll find out." We were still arguing when the bolt tumbled

off of itself, the door flew open and admitted our visitor. This

was a woman with her head muffled, the very same who a little time

before had been standing by the countryman's side in the market.

"Ah, ha!" she cried, "did you suppose you had really made a fool of

me? I am Quartilla's maid, Quartilla whose devotions before the

grotto you disturbed. She is coming in person to the inn, and begs

to speak with you. Do not be afraid; she brings no accusation, and

has no wish to punish your fault. She only wonders what god it was

brought such genteel young men into her district."

We were still dumb, not knowing in the least what kind of response

to give, when the mistress herself entered, accompanied only by a

young girl, and sitting down on my couch, wept for ever so long.

Not even then had we a word to offer, but looked on in amazement at

this tearful display of pretended grief. When the enticing shower

had exhausted itself, she drew back the hood that concealed her

haughty features, and wringing her hands till the finger joints

cracked, "What means this recklessness?" she cried; "wherever have

you learned these knavish tricks that for audacity outdo the heroes

of the story-books. By heaven! I pity you! for be sure no man ever

looked with impunity on forbidden sights. Truly our neighborhood is

so well stocked with deities to hand, you will easier meet with a

god than a man. But don't imagine I've come here vindictively; I'm

more moved by your youth than angered by the wrong you have done

me. It was in sheer ignorance, I still think, you committed your

unpardonable act of sacrilege.

"Last night I was grievously tormented, and shaken with such

alarming tremblings, I dreaded an attack of tertian ague. So in

my sleep I prayed for a remedy, and was bidden seek you out, that

you might assuage the violence of the complaint by means of a

cunning contrivance also indicated in my dream. But indeed and

indeed it is not so much this cure I am exercised about; what

wrings my heart and drives me almost to despair is the dread that

in your youthful levity you may reveal what you saw in the shrine

of Priapus, and betray the counsels of the gods to the common herd.

This is why I stretch forth suppliant hands to your knees, and beg

and pray you not to turn into ribaldry and jest our nocturnal rites,

nor willingly divulge the secrets of so many years,-- secrets known

to barely a thousand persons all told."

After this impassioned appeal she again burst into tears, and shaken

by mighty sobs, entirely buried her face and bosom in my couch.

Meantime, moved at once by pity and apprehension, I bade her keep

a good heart, and be quite easy on either head. For, I assured her,

not one of us would divulge the mysteries, and moreover, if the god

had revealed any extraordinary means of curing her ague, we would

second divine providence, even if it involved danger to ourselves.

The woman cheered up at this promise, and fell to kissing me thick and

fast, and changing from tears to laughter, combed back with her fingers

some stray locks that had escaped from behind my ears. "I make truce

with you," she said, "and withdraw my case against you. But if you

had not agreed about the remedy I am seeking, I had a posse of men all

ready for tomorrow to avenge my wrongs and vindicate my honor.

"Contempt is hateful; what I love is power,

To work my will at my own place and hour.

A wise man's scorn bends the most stubborn will,

The noblest victor he who spares to kill."

Next, clapping her hands together, she suddenly burst into such a fit

of laughter as quite alarmed us. The maid, who had entered first

followed suit, and was followed in turn by the little girl who had

come in along with Quartilla.

The whole place reechoed with their forced merriment; meantime, seeing

no reason for this rapid change of mood, we stand staring now at each

other, now at the women. At length says Quartilla, "I have given

express orders that no mortal be admitted into this inn today, that

you may, without interruption, apply the remedy for my ague."

"At this declaration Ascyltos stood for a time appalled; for myself,

I turned colder that a Gallic winter, and was unable to utter a word.

Still our numbers somewhat reassured me against any disaster. After

all, they were only three weak women, quite incapable of any serious

assault on us, who if we had nothing else manly about us, were at

least of the male sex. Anyway we were all ready prepared for the fray;

in fact I had already so arranged the couples, that if it came to a

fight, I should myself tackle Quartilla, Ascyltos the waiting-maid,

Giton the girl.

In the middle of these reflections, up came Quartilla to me to be

cured of her ague; but finding herself sadly disappointed, she flung

out of the house in a rage. Returning after a little, she had us

seized by some unknown bravos and carried off to a magnificent palace.

CHAPTER FOUR

At this crisis amazement and consternation quite broke our spirit, certain

death seeming to stare us miserably in the face. "I beseech you, lady," I

cried, "if you have any sinister design, put us out of our misery at once;

we have done nothing so heinous as to deserve torturing to death." The

maid, whose name was Psyche, now carefully spread a rug on the marble

floor, and endeavored to rouse my member into activity, but it lay cold as

a thousand deaths could make it. Ascyltos had muffled his head in his

mantle, having doubtless learned from experience the peril of meddling

with other people's secrets. Meantime Psyche produced two ribbons from

her bosom, and proceeded to tie our hands with one and our feet with the

other. Finding myself thus fettered, "This is not the way," I protested,

"for your mistress to get what she wants." "Granted," replied the maid;

"but I have other remedies to my hand, and surer ones."

So saying, she brought me a goblet full of satyrion, and with quips and

cranks and a host of wonderful tales of its virtues, induced me to drain

off nearly the whole of the liquor. Then, because he had slighted her

overtures a little before, she poured what was left of the stuff over

Ascyltos's back without his noticing. The latter, seeing the stream of

her eloquence dried up, exclaimed, "Well! and am I not thought worthy to

have a drink too?" Betrayed by my laughter, the girl clapped her hands

and cried, "Why! I've given it you already, young man; you've had the

whole draft all to yourself." "What!" put in Quartilla, "has Encolpius

drunk up all our stock of satyrion?" and her sides shook with pretty

merriment. Eventually not even Giton could contain his mirth, particularly

when the little girl threw her arms round his neck, and gave the boy, who

showed no signs of reluctance, a thousand kisses.

We should have cried out for help in our unhappy plight, but there was

no one to hear us and besides Psyche pricked my cheeks with her hair pin

every time I tried to call upon my fellow countrymen for succor, while

at the same time the other girl threatened Ascyltos with a brush dipped

in satyrion. Finally there entered a catamite, tricked out in a coat of

chestnut frieze, and wearing a sash, who would alternately writhe his

buttocks and bump against us, and beslaver us with the most evil-smelling

kisses, until Quartilla, holding a whalebone wand in her hand and with

skirts tucked up, ordered him to give the poor fellows quarter. Then we

all three swore the most solemn oaths the horrid secret should die with us.

Next a company of wrestlers appeared, who rubbed us over with the proper

gymnastic oil, which was very refreshing. This gradually removed our

fatigue and resuming the dinner clothes that we had taken off, we were

then conducted into the adjoining room, where the couches were laid and

all preparations made for an elegant feast in the most sumptuous style.

We were requested to take our places, and the banquet opened with some

wonderful hors d'oeuvres, while the Falernian flowed like water. A

number of other courses followed, and we were all but falling asleep,

when Quartilla cried, "Come, come! can you think of sleep, when you know

this livelong night is owed to the service of Priapus?"

Ascyltos was so worn out with all he had gone through he could not keep

his eyes open a moment longer, and the waiting-maid, whom he had scorned

and slighted, now proceeded to daub his face all over with streaks of

soot, and bepaint his lips and shoulders as he lay unconscious.

I too, tired with the persecutions I had endured, was just enjoying

forty winks, as they say, while all the household, within doors and

without, had copied my example. Some lay sprawling about the diners'

feet, others propped against the walls, while others snored head to

head right on the threshold. The oil in the lamps had burned low, and

they shed a feeble, dying light, when two Syrian slaves came into the

banquet-room to crib a flagon of wine.

Whilst they were greedily fighting for it and scuffling amongst the

silver, it parted and broke in two. At the same moment the table with

the silver plate collapsed, and a goblet falling from perhaps a greater

height than the rest, struck the waiting-maid who was lying exhausted on

a couch underneath and cut her head open. She screamed out at the blow,

at once discovering the thieves and awakening some of the drunkards. The

Syrians, thus caught in the act, threw themselves with one accord onto

a couch, and started snoring as if they had been asleep ever so long.

By this time the chief butler had wakened up and put fresh oil into the

expiring lamps, while the other slaves after rubbing their eyes a bit,

had resumed their posts, and presently a cymbal-player came in and roused

us all up with a clash of her instruments. So the banquet was resumed,

and Quartilla challenged us to start a fresh carouse, the tinkle of

cymbals still further stimulating her reckless gaiety.

The next to appear is a catamite, the silliest of mankind and quite

worthy of the house, who beat his hands together, gave a groan, and

then spouted the following delightful effusion:

"Who hath a pathic lust,

With Delian vice accurst;

Who loves the pliant thigh,

Quick hand and wanton sigh;

Come hither, come hither, come hither,

Here shall he see

Gross beasts as he,

Lechers of every feather!"

Then, his poetry exhausted, he spat a most stinking kiss in my face;

before long he mounted on the couch where I lay and exposed me by force

in spite of my resistance. He labored hard and long to bring up my

member, but in vain. Streams of gummy paint and sweat poured from his

heated brow, and such a lot of chalk filled the wrinkles of his cheeks,

you might have thought his face was an old dilapidated wall with the

plaster crumbling away in the rain.

I could no longer restrain my tears, but driven to the last extremity of

disgust, "I ask you, lady," I cried, "is this the 'night-cap' (ambasicoetas)

you promised me?" At this she clapped her hands daintily, exclaiming,

"Oh you clever boy! what a pretty wit you have! Of course you didn't

know 'night-cap' is another name for a catamite?" Then, that my comrade

might not miss his share too, I asked her, "Now, on your conscience, is

Ascyltos to be the only guest in the room to keep holiday!"

"So?" she cried, "why! let Ascyltos have his 'night-cap' too!" In

obedience to her order, the catamite now changed his mount, and

transferring his attentions to my friend, set to grinding him under

his buttocks and smothering him with lecherous kisses.

All this while Giton had been standing by, laughing as if his sides

would split. Now Quartilla, catching sight of him, asked with eager

curiosity, whose lad he was. When I told her he was my little favorite,

"Why hasn't he kissed me then?" she cried, and calling him to her glued

her lips to his. Next minute she slipped her hand under his clothes,

and pulling out his unpractised tool, she observed, "This will be a very

pretty whet tomorrow to our naughty appetite. For today,-- 'After such

a dainty dish, I will taste no common fish!'"

Just as she was saying this, Psyche approached her mistress laughingly

and whispered something in her ear. "Yes! yes!" exclaimed Quartilla,

"a capital idea! why should not our little Pannychis lose her maidenhood!

'tis an excellent opportunity, indeed." Immediately they brought in a

pretty enough little girl, and who did not appear to be more than seven

years old the same child who had accompanied Quartilla on her first

visit to our room at the inn. So amid general applause and indeed at

the special request of the company, they began the bridal preparations.

I was horrified, and declared that, while on the one hand Giton, who was

a very modest boy, was quite unequal to such naughtiness, on the other

Pannychis was far too young to endure the treatment a woman must expect.

"Why!" said Quartilla, "is the girl any younger than I was when I first

submitted to a man? May Juno, my patroness, desert me, if I can mind

the time when I was a maid. As a child I was naughty with little boys

of my own age, and presently as the years rolled by, with bigger lads,

till I reached my present time of life. Hence I suppose the proverb

that says: 'Who carried the calf, may well carry the bull.'"

Fearing my favorite might get into greater troubles if I were not there,

I got up to assist at the wedding ceremony.

By this time Psyche had thrown the bridal veil over the child's head;

our pathic friend was marching in front with a torch; a long procession

of drunken women followed, clapping their hands, having previously

decked the marriage bed with a splendid coverlet. Then Quartilla, fired

by the wanton pleasantry, likewise rose from table, and seizing

Giton drew him into the chamber. The lad was not at all loath to go,

and even the child manifested very little fear or reluctance at the

name of matrimony.

In due course when they were in bed and the door shut, we sat down on

the threshold of the nuptial chamber, and first of all Quartilla applied

an inquisitive eye to a crack in the door contrived for some such

naughty purpose, and watched their childish dalliance with lecherous

intentness. She drew me gently to her side to enjoy the same spectacle,

and our faces being close together as we looked, she would, at every

interval in the performance, twist her lips sideways to meet mine, and

kept continually pecking at me with a sort of furtive kisses.

Suddenly in the midst of these proceedings a prodigious thumping made

itself heard at the entrance door, and whilst everybody was wondering

what the unexpected interruption might mean, we saw a soldier come in,

one of the nightwatch, with a drawn sword in his hand and surrounded by

a crowd of young men. The fellow glared about him with bloodshot eyes

and braggadocio airs; presently spying Quartilla, he cried, "What have

we here, abandoned woman? How dare you make game of me with your

falsehoods and cheat me out of the night you promised me? But you

shan't go unpunished, I can tell you; you and your lover shall find

out you have a man to deal with."

Obeying the soldier's orders, his comrades now bind Quartilla and

myself together, mouth to mouth, bosom to bosom, and thigh to thigh,

in the midst of shouts of laughter. Then the catamite, still by the

soldier's order, began to beslaver me horribly all over with the

odious kisses of his stinking lips-- a treatment I had no means either

of escaping from or avoiding. Before long he debauched me, and worked

his full will upon my body. Meantime, the satyrion I had drunk a

while before, stirring every fiber to lasciviousness, I began to

perform on Quartilla, while she, fired with a like wantonness, showed

no repugnance to the game. The young soldiers burst into fits of

laughter at the ludicrous performance; for, while myself mounted

by a vile catamite, involuntarily and almost without knowing what

I was at, I kept moving to him just as fast and furiously as Quartilla

was wriggling under me.

At this moment Pannychis, unaccustomed at her age to love's ardors,

raised a sudden cry of pain and consternation, which the soldiers heard.

The poor child was in the act of being ravished, and the triumphant

Giton had won a not bloodless victory. Roused by the sight, the man

rushed at them, and clipped now Pannychis, now Giton, and now both of

them together, in his sturdy arms. The girl burst into tears and

besought him to take pity on her tender years; but her prayers were

entirely unavailing, the soldier being only the more excited by her

childish charms. All Pannychis could do was to throw a veil over her

face and resign herself to endure whatever fate might bring her.

But at this crisis who should come to the unfortunate child's rescue,

as if she had dropped from the sky, but the very same old woman who had

beguiled me the day I was inquiring my road home? She burst into the

house with loud cries, declaring that a band of robbers was prowling

about the neighborhood while peaceful citizens were crying in vain for

help, the guard being asleep or busy with their victuals, at any rate

nowhere to be found. The soldier, much disturbed at what she said,

fled precipitately from the house and his companions following his

example, freed Pannychis from the impending danger which had threatened

her and relieved us all of our terror.

So weary was I by this time of Quartilla's lecherousness that I began to

revolve means of escape. I opened my mind to Ascyltos, who was only too

pleased to hear of my purpose, longing to be rid of Psyche's importunities.

The whole thing would have been plain enough sailing had not Giton been

locked up in the chamber; for we wished to take him with us and save him

from the viciousness of these strumpets. We were anxiously debating the

point when Pannychis fell out of bed, and her weight dragged Giton after

her. He was unhurt, but the child, having given her head a slight knock,

raised such an outcry that Quartilla in a fright rushed headlong into the

room, and so gave us an opportunity to escape.

Taking advantage of this opening without an instant's delay, we fly with

all speed to our inn and throwing ourselves into bed, spent the rest of

the night in security.

Going abroad next day, we came upon two of Quartilla's fellows who had

kidnapped us to her palace. No sooner did Ascyltos clap eyes on the

rascals than he vigorously attacked one of them, and after beating and

seriously wounding him, came to my help against the other. But this

last bore himself so stoutly that he managed to wound us both, though

only slightly, escaping himself without a scratch.

CHAPTER FIVE

The third day had now arrived, the date appointed for the free banquet

at Trimalchio's; but with so many wounds as we had, we deemed it better

policy to fly than to remain where we were. So we made the best of our

way to our inn, and our hurts being only skin-deep after all, we lay in

bed and dressed them with wine and oil.

Still one of the rascals was lying on the ground disabled, and we were

afraid we might yet be discovered. Whilst we were still debating sadly

with ourselves how we might best escape the storm, a slave of Agamemnon's

broke into our trembling conclave, crying, "What! don't you recollect

whose entertainment it is this day?-- Trimalchio's, a most elegant

personage; he has a time-piece in his dining-room and a trumpeter

specially provided for the purpose keeps him constantly informed how

much of his lifetime is gone." So, forgetting all our troubles, we

proceed to make a careful toilette, and bid Giton, who had always

hitherto been very ready to act as servant, to attend us at the bath.

Meantime in our gala dresses, we began to stroll about, or rather to amuse

ourselves by approaching the different groups of ball-players. Amongst

these we all of a sudden catch sight of a bald-headed old man in a russet

tunic, playing ball amid a troupe of long-haired boys. It was not however

so much the boys, though these were well worth looking at, that drew us

to the spot, as the master himself, who wore sandals and was playing with

green balls. He never stooped for a ball that had once touched ground,

but an attendant stood by with a sackful, and supplied the players as

they required them. We noticed other novelties too. For two eunuchs

were stationed at opposite points of the circle, one holding a silver

chamber-pot, while the other counted the balls, not those that were in

play and flying from hand to hand, but such as fell on the floor.

We were still admiring these refinements of elegance when Menelaus runs

up, saying, "See! that's the gentleman you are to dine with; why! this

is really nothing else than a prelude to the entertainment." He had not

finished speaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers, and at the signal

the eunuch held out the chamber-pot for him, without his ever stopping

play. After easing his bladder, he called for water, and having dipped

his hands momentarily in the bowl, dried them on one of the lads' hair.

There was no time to notice every detail; so we entered the bath, and

after stewing in the sweating-room, passed instantly into the cold chamber.

Trimalchio, after being drenched with unguent, was being rubbed down, not

however with ordinary towels but with pieces of blanketing of the softest

and finest wool. Meanwhile three bagnio doctors were swilling Falernian

under his eyes; and seeing how the fellows were brawling over their liquor

and spilling most of it, Trimalchio declared it was a libation they were

making in his particular honor.

Presently muffled in a wrap-rascal of scarlet frieze, he was placed in

a litter, preceded by four running-footmen in tinseled liveries, and

a wheeled chair, in which his favorite rode, a little old young man,

sore-eyed and uglier even than his master. As the latter was borne

along, a musician took up his place at this head with a pair of miniature

flutes, and played softly to him, as if he were whispering secrets in

his ear. Full of wonder we follow the procession and arrive at the

same moment as Agamemnon at the outer door, on one of the pillars of

which was suspended a tablet bearing the words:

ANY SLAVE

GOING ABROAD WITHOUT THE MASTER'S

PERMISSION

SHALL RECEIVE ONE HUNDRED LASHES

Just within the vestibule stood the doorkeeper, dressed in green with

a cherry-colored sash, busy picking peas in a silver dish. Over the

threshold hung a gold cage with a black and white magpie in it, which

greeted visitors on their entrance.

But as I was staring open-eyed at all these fine sights, I came near

tumbling backwards and breaking my legs. For to the left hand as you

entered, and not far from the porter's lodge, a huge chained dog was

depicted on the wall, and written above in capital letters: 'WARE DOG!

'WARE DOG! My companions made merry at my expense; but soon regaining

confidence, I fell to examining the other paintings on the walls. One

of these represented a slave-market, the men standing up with labels

round their necks, while in another Trimalchio himself, wearing long

hair, holding a caduceus in his hand and led by Minerva, was entering

Rome. Further on, the ingenious painter had shown him learning accounts,

and presently made steward of the estate, each incident being made clear

by explanatory inscriptions. Lastly, at the extreme end of the portico,

Mercury was lifting the hero by the chin and placing him on the highest

seat of a tribunal. Fortune stood by with her cornucopia, and the three

Fates, spinning his destiny with a golden thread.

I noticed likewise in the portico a gang of running-footmen exercising

under a trainer. Moreover I saw in a corner a vast armory; and in a

shrine inside were ranged Lares of silver, and a marble statue of Venus,

and a golden casket of ample dimensions, in which they said the great

man's first beard was preserved. I now asked the hall-keeper what were

the subjects of the frescoes in the atrium itself? "The Iliad and Odyssey,"

he replied, "and on your left the combat of gladiators given under Laenas."

We had no opportunity of examining the numerous paintings more minutely,

having by this time reached the banquet-hall, at the outer door of which

the house-steward sat receiving accounts. But the thing that surprised

me most was to notice on the doorposts of the apartment fasces and axes

fixed up, the lower part terminating in an ornament resembling the bronze

beak of a ship, on which was inscribed:

TO GAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO

AUGUSTAL SEVIR,

CINNAMUS HIS TREASURER

Underneath this inscription hung a lamp with two lights, depending from

the vaulting. Two other tablets were attached to the doorposts. One,

if my memory serves me, bore the following inscription:

ON DECEMBER THIRTIETH AND

THIRTY-FIRST

OUR MASTER GAIUS DINES ABROAD

The other showed the phases of the moon and the seven planets, while

lucky and unlucky days were marked by distinctive studs.

When, sated with all these fine sights, we were just making for the

entrance of the banquet-hall, one of the slaves, stationed there for

the purpose, called out, "Right foot first!" Not unnaturally there

was a moment's hesitation, for fear one of us should break the rule.

But this was not all; for just as we stepped out in line right leg

foremost, another slave, stripped of his outer garments, threw himself

before our feet, beseeching us to save him from punishment. Not indeed

that his fault was a very serious one; in point of fact the Intendant's

clothes had been stolen when in his charge at the bath,-- a matter of

ten sesterces or so at the outside. So facing about, still right foot

in front, we approached the Intendant, who was counting gold in the

hall, and asked him to forgive the poor man. He looked up haughtily

and said, "It's not so much the loss that annoys me as the rascal's

carelessness. He has lost my dinner robes, which a client gave me on

my birthday,-- genuine Tyrian purple, I assure you, though only once

dipped. But there! I will pardon the delinquent at your request."

Deeply grateful for so signal a favor, we now returned to the

banquet-hall, where we were met by the same slave for whom we had

interceded, who to our astonishment overwhelmed us with a perfect

storm of kisses, thanking us again and again for our humanity.

"Indeed," he cried, "you shall presently know who it is you have

obliged; the master's wine is the cup-bearer's thank-offering."

Well! at last we take our places, Alexandrian slave-boys pouring snow

water over our hands, and others succeeding them to wash our feet

and cleanse our toe-nails with extreme dexterity. Not even while

engaged in this unpleasant office were they silent, but sang away

over their work. I had a mind to try whether all the house servants

were singers and accordingly asked for a drink of wine. Instantly an

attendant was at my side, pouring out the liquor to the accompaniment

of the same sort of shrill recitative. Demand what you would, it

was the same; you might have supposed yourself among a troupe of

pantomime actors rather than at a respectable citizen's table.

Then the preliminary course was served in very elegant style. For

all were now at table except Trimalchio, for whom the first place was

reserved, by a reversal of ordinary usage. Among the other hors d'oeuvres

stood a little ass of Corinthian bronze with a packsaddle holding

olives, white olives on one side, black on the other. The animal was

flanked right and left by silver dishes, on the rim of which Trimalchio's

name was engraved and the weight. On arches built up in the form of

miniature bridges were dormice seasoned with honey and poppy-seed. There

were sausages, too, smoking hot on a silver grill, and underneath (to

imitate coals) Syrian plums and pomegranate seeds.

We were in the middle of these elegant trifles when Trimalchio himself

was carried in to the sound of music, and was bolstered up among a host

of tiny cushions, a sight that set one or two indiscreet guests laughing.

And no wonder; his bald head poked up out of a scarlet mantle, his neck

was closely muffled, and over all was laid a napkin with a broad purple

stripe or laticlave, and long fringes hanging down either side. Moreover

he wore on the little finger of his left hand a massive ring of silver

gilt, and on the last joint of the next finger a smaller ring, apparently

of solid gold, but starred superficially with little ornaments of steel.

Nay! to show this was not the whole of his magnificence, his left arm was

bare, and displayed a gold bracelet and an ivory circlet with a sparkling

clasp to put it on.

After picking his teeth with a silver toothpick, "My friends," he began,

"I was far from desirous of coming to table just yet, but that I might

not keep you waiting by my own absence, I have sadly interfered with my

own amusement. But will you permit me to finish my game?" A slave

followed him, bearing a draughtsboard of terebinth wood and crystal

dice. One special bit of refinement I noticed; instead of the ordinary

black and white men he had medals of gold and silver respectively.

Meantime, whilst he is exhausting the vocabulary of a tinker over the

game, and we are still at the hors d'oeuvres, a dish was brought in with

a basket on it, in which lay a wooden hen, her wings outspread round her

as if she were sitting. Instantly a couple of slaves came up, and to the

sound of lively music began to search the straw, and pulling out a lot

of peafowl's eggs one after the other, handed them round to the company.

Trimalchio turns his head at this, saying, "My friends, it was by my

orders the hen set on the peafowl's eggs yonder; but by God! I am very

much afraid they are half-hatched. Nevertheless we can try whether they

are eatable." For our part, we take our spoons, which weighed at least

half a pound each, and break the eggs, which were made of paste. I was

on the point of throwing mine away, for I thought I discerned a chick

inside. But when I overheard a veteran guest saying, "There should be

something good here!" I further investigated the shell, and found a very

fine fat beccafico swimming in yolk of egg flavored with pepper.

Trimalchio had by this time stopped his game and been helped to all the

dishes before us. He had just announced in a loud voice that any of us

who wanted a second supply of honeyed wine had only to ask for it, when

suddenly at a signal from the band, the hors d'oeuvres are whisked away

by a troupe of slaves, all singing too. But in the confusion a silver

dish happened to fall and a slave picked it up again from the floor;

this Trimalchio noticed, and boxing the fellow's ears, rated him soundly

and ordered him to throw it down again. Then a groom came in and began

to sweep up the silver along with the other refuse with his besom.

He was succeeded by two long-haired Ethiopians, carrying small leather

skins, like the fellows that water the sand in the amphitheater, who

poured wine over our hands; for no one thought of offering water.

After being duly complimented on this refinement, our host cried out,

"Fair play's a jewel!" and accordingly ordered a separate table to be

assigned to each guest. "In this way," he said, "by preventing any

crowding, the stinking servants won't make us so hot."

Simultaneously there were brought in a number of wine-jars of

glass carefully stoppered with plaster, and having labels attached

to their necks reading:

FALERNIAN; OPIMIAN VINTAGE

ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD.

Whilst we were reading the labels, Trimalchio ejaculated, striking

his palms together, "Alackaday! to think wine is longer lived than

poor humanity! Well! bumpers then! There's life in wine. 'Tis the

right Opimian, I give you my word. I didn't bring out any so good

yesterday, and much better men than you were dining with me."

So we drank our wine and admired all this luxury in good set terms.

Then the slave brought in a silver skeleton, so artfully fitted that

its articulations and vertebrae were all movable and would turn and

twist in any direction. After he had tossed this once or twice on

the table, causing the loosely jointed limbs to take various postures,

Trimalchio moralized thus:

Alas! how less than naught are we;

Fragile life's thread, and brief our day!

What this is now, we all shall be;

Drink and make merry while you may.

CHAPTER SIX

Our applause was interrupted by the second course, which did not by any

means come up to our expectations. Still the oddity of the thing drew

the eyes of all. An immense circular tray bore the twelve signs of the

zodiac displayed round the circumference, on each of which the Manoiple

or Arranger had placed a dish of suitable and appropriate viands: on

the Ram ram's-head peas, on the Bull a piece of beef, on the Twins fried

testicles and kidneys, on the Crab simply a crown, on the Lion African

figs, on a Virgin a sow's haslet, on Libra a balance with a tart in one

scale and a cheesecake in the other, on Scorpio a small sea-fish, on

Sagittarius an eye-seeker, on Capricornus a lobster, on Aquarius a wild

goose, on Pisces two mullets. In the middle was a sod of green turf,

cut to shape and supporting a honey-comb. Meanwhile an Egyptian slave

was carrying bread around in a miniature oven of silver, crooning to

himself in a horrible voice a song on wine and laserpitium.

Seeing us look rather blank at the idea of attacking such common fare,

Trimalchio cried, "I pray you gentlemen, begin; the best of your dinner

is before you." No sooner had he spoken than four fellows ran prancing

in, keeping time to the music, and whipped off the top of the tray.

This done, we beheld underneath, on a second tray in fact, stuffed

capons, a sow's paps, and as a centerpiece a hare fitted with wings

to represent Pegasus. We noticed besides four figures of Marsyas, one

at each corner of the tray, spouting out peppered fish-sauce over the

fishes swimming in the Channel of the dish.

We all join in the applause started by the domestics and laughingly

fall to on the choice viands. Trimalchio, as pleased as anybody with

a device of the sort, now called out, "Cut!" Instantly the Carver

advanced, and posturing in time to the music, sliced up the joint

with such antics you might have thought him a jockey struggling to

pull off a chariot-race to the thunder of the organ. Yet all the

while Trimalchio kept repeating in a wheedling voice, "Cut! Cut!"

For my part, suspecting there was some pretty jest connected with this

everlasting reiteration of the word, I made no bones about asking the

question of the guest who sat immediately above me. He had often

witnessed similar scenes and told me at once, "You see the man who

is carving; well; his name is Cut. The master is calling and

commanding him at one and the same time."

Unable to eat any more, I now turned towards my neighbor in order to

glean what information I could, and after indulging in a string of

general remarks, presently asked him, "Who is that lady bustling up

and down the room yonder?" "Trimalchio's lady," he replied; "her

name is Fortunata, and she counts her coin by the bushelful! Before?

what was she before? Why! my dear Sir! saving your respect, you

would have been mighty sorry to take bread from her hand. Now, by

hook or by crook, she's got to heaven, and is Trimalchio's factotum.

In fact if she told him it was dark night at high noon, he'd believe

her. The man's rolling in riches, and really can't tell what he has and

what he hasn't got; still his good lady looks keenly after everything,

and is on the spot where you least expect to see her. She's temperate,

sober and well advised, but she has a sharp tongue of her own and chatters

like a magpie between the bed-curtains. When she likes a man, she likes

him; and when she doesn't, well! she doesn't.

"As for Trimalchio, his lands reach as far as the kites fly, and his

money breeds money. I tell you, he has more coin lying idle in his

porter's lodge than would make another man's whole fortune. Slaves!

why, heaven and earth! I don't believe one in ten knows his own master

by sight. For all that, there's never a one of the fine fellows a word

of his wouldn't send scuttling into the nearest rat-hole. And don't

you imagine he ever buys anything; every mortal thing is home grown,--

wool, rosin, pepper; call for hen's milk and he'd supply you! As a

matter of fact his wool was not first-rate originally; but he purchased

rams at Tarentum and so improved the breed. To get home-made Attic

honey he had bees imported direct from Athens, hoping at the same time

to benefit the native insects a bit by a cross with the Greek fellows.

Why! only the other day he wrote to India for mushroom spawn. He has

not a single mule but was got by a wild ass. You see all these

mattresses; never a one that is not stuffed with the finest wool,

purple or scarlet as the case may be. Lucky, lucky dog!

"And look you, don't you turn up your nose at the other freedmen, his

fellows. They're very warm men. You see the one lying last on the

last couch yonder? He's worth his eight hundred thousand any of

these days. A self-made man; once upon a time he carried wood on

his own two shoulders. They do say,-- I don't know how true it may

be, but I've been told so,-- he snatched an Incubo's hat, and so

discovered a treasure. I grudge no man's good fortune, whatever

God has seen good to give him. He'll still take a box o' the ear

for all that, and keeps a keen eye on the main chance. Only the

other day he placarded his house with this bill:

C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES

IS PREPARED TO LET HIS GARRET

FROM JULY FIRST,

HAVING BOUGHT THE HOUSE HIMSELF."

"But the other man yonder, occupying a freedman's place, what of him?

Was he originally very well to do?" "I have not a word to say against

him. He was master once of a cool million, but he came to sad grief.

I don't suppose he has a hair on his head unmortgaged. Not that it was

any fault of his; there never was a better man, but his rascally freedmen

swindled him out of everything. Let me tell you, when the hospitable pot

stops boiling, and fortune has once taken the turn, friends soon make

themselves scarce." "What was the honorable calling he followed, that

you see him brought to this?" "He was an undertaker. He used to dine

like a King,-- boars in pastry, cakes of every sort and game galore, cooks

and pastry-cooks without end. More wine was spilt under his table than

another man has in his cellar. A dream-- not a life for a mere mortal

man! Even when his affairs were getting shaky, for fear his creditors

might think he was in difficulties, he posted this notice of sale:

C. JULIUS PROCULUS

WILL PUT UP TO AUCTION

AN ASSORTMENT

OF HIS SUPERFLUOUS FURNITURE."

This agreeable gossip was here interrupted by Trimalchio; for the

second course had now been removed, and the company being merry with

wine began to engage in general conversation. Our host then, lying

back on his elbow and addressing the company, said, "I hope you will

all do justice to this wine; you must make the fish swim again. Come,

come, do you suppose I was going to rest content with the dinner you

saw boxed up under the cover of the tray just now? 'Is Ulysses no

better known?' Well, well! even at table we mustn't forget our

scholarship. Peace to my worthy patron's bones, who was pleased to

make me a man amongst men. For truly there is nothing can be set

before me that will nonplus me by its novelty. For instance the

meaning of that tray just now can be easily enough explained. This

heaven in which dwell the twelve gods resolves itself into twelve

different configurations, and presently becomes the Ram. So whosoever

is born under this sign has many flocks and herds and much wool, a

hard head into the bargain, a shameless brow and a sharp horn. Most

of your schoolmen and pettifoggers are born under this sign."

We recommended the learned expounder's graceful erudition, and he

went on to add: "Next the whole sky becomes Bull; then are born

obstinate fellows and neatherds and such as think of nothing but

filling their own bellies. Under the Twins are born horses in a

pair, oxen in a yoke, men blessed with a sturdy brace of testicles,

all who manage to keep in with both sides. I was born under the Crab

myself. Wherefore I stand on many feet, and have many possessions

both by sea and land; for the Crab is equally adapted to either

element. And this is why I never put anything on that sign, so

as not to eclipse my horoscope. Under the Lion are born great

eaters and wasters, and all who love to domineer; under the Virgin,

women and runaways and jailbirds; under the Scales, butchers and

perfumers and all retail traders; under the Scorpion, poisoners

and cutthroats; under the Archer, squint-eyed folks, who look at

the greens and whip off with the bacon; under Capricorn, the

'horny-handed sons of toil'; under Aquarius or the Waterman,

innkeepers and pumpkin-heads; under Pisces, or the Fishes, fine

cooks and fine talkers. Thus the world goes round like a mill,

and is for ever at some mischief, whether making men or marring

them. But about the sod of turf you see in the middle, and the

honeycomb a-top of it, I have a good reason to show too. Our mother

Earth is in the middle, round-about like an egg, and has all good

things in her inside, like a honey-comb!"

"Clever! clever!" we cry in chorus and with hands uplifted to the

ceiling, swear Hipparchus and Aratus were not to be named in the same

breath with him. This lasted till fresh servants entered and spread

carpets before the couches, embroidered with pictures of fowling

nets, prickers with their hunting spears, and sporting gear of all

kinds. We were still at a loss what to expect when a tremendous shout

was raised outside the doors, and lo and behold! a pack of Laconian

dogs came careering round and round the very table. These were soon

succeeded by a huge tray, on which lay a wild boar of the largest

size, with a cap on its head, while from the tushes hung two little

baskets of woven palm leaves, one full of Syrian dates, the other of

Theban. Round it were little piglets of baked sweetmeat, as if at

suck, to show it was a sow we had before us; and these were gifts to

be taken home with them by the guests.

To carve the dish however, it was not this time our friend Cut who

appeared, the same who had dismembered the capons, but a great bearded

fellow, wearing leggings and a shaggy jerkin. Drawing his hunting

knife, he made a furious lunge and gashed open the boar's flank,

from which there flew out a number of fieldfares. Fowlers stood

ready with their rods and immediately caught the birds as they

fluttered about the table. Then Trimalchio directed each guest to

be given his bird, and this done, added "Look what elegant acorns

this wildwood pig fed on." Instantly slaves ran to the baskets that

were suspended from the animal's tushes and divided the two kind of

dates in equal proportions among the diners.

Meantime, sitting as I did a little apart, I was led into a thousand

conjectures to account for the boar's being brought in with a cap on.

So after exhausting all sorts of absurd guesses, I resolved to ask

my former "philosopher and friend" to explain the difficulty that

tormented me so. "Why!" said he, "your own servant could tell

you that much. Riddle? it's as plain as daylight. The boar was

presented with his freedom at yesterday's dinner; he appeared at

the end of the meal and the company gave him his conge. Therefore

today he comes back to table as a freedman." I cursed my own

stupidity, and asked no more questions, for fear of their thinking

I had never dined with good company before.

We were still conversing, when a pretty boy entered, his head

wreathed with vine-leaves and ivy, announcing himself now as

Bromius, anon as Lyaeus and Evous. He proceeded to hand round

grapes in a small basket, and recited in the shrillest of voices

some verses of his master's composition. Trimalchio turned round

at the sound, and, "Dionysus," said he, "be free (Liber)!" The

lad snatched the cap from the boar's head and stuck it on his own.

Then Trimalchio went on again, "Well! you'll not deny," he cried,

"I have a Father Liber (a freeborn father) of my own." We praised

Trimalchio's joke, and heartily kissed the fortunate lad, as he

went round to receive our congratulations.

CHAPTER SEVEN

At the end of this course Trimalchio left the table to relieve himself, and

so finding ourselves free from the constraint of his overbearing presence,

we began to indulge in a little friendly conversation. Accordingly

Dama began first, after calling for a cup of wine. "A day! what

is a day?" he exclaimed, "before you can turn round, it's night again!

So really you can't do better than go straight from bed to board.

Fine cold weather we've been having; why! even my bath has hardly

warmed me. But truly hot liquor is a good clothier. I've been drinking

bumpers, and I'm downright fuddled. The wine has got into my head."

Seleucus then struck into the talk: "I don't bathe every day," he said;

"your systematic bather's a mere fuller. Water's got teeth, and melts

the heart away, a little every day; but there! when I've fortified my

belly with a cup of mulled wine, I say 'Go hang!' to the cold. Indeed

I couldn't bathe today, for I've been to a funeral. A fine fellow he

was too, good old Chrysanthus, but he's given up the ghost now. He was

calling me just this moment, only just this moment; I could fancy myself

talking to him now. Alas! alas! what are we but blown bladders on two

legs? We're not worth as much as flies; they are some use, but we're

no better than bubbles. He wasn't careful enough in his diet, you say?

I tell you, for five whole days not one drop of water, or one crumb of

bread passed his lips. Nevertheless he has joined the majority. The

doctors killed him,-- or rather his day was come; the very best of doctors

is only a satisfaction to the mind. Anyhow he was handsomely buried, on

his own best bed, with good blankets. The wailing was first class,-- he

did a trifle of manumission before he died; though no doubt his wife's

tears were a bit forced. A pity he always treated her so well. But

woman! woman's of the kite kind. No man ought ever to do 'em a good turn;

just as well pitch it in the well at once. Old love's an eating sore!"

He was getting tiresome, and Phileros broke in: "Let's talk of living.

He's got his deserts, whatever they were; he lived well and died well,

what has he to complain about? He started with next to nothing, and

was ready to the last to pick a farthing out of a dunghill with his

teeth. So he grew and grew, like a honeycomb. Upon my word I believe

he left a round hundred million behind him, and all in ready money.

But I'll tell you the actual facts, for I'm the soul of truth, as they

say. He had a rough tongue, and a ready one, and was quarrelsomeness

personified. Now his brother was a fine fellow and a true friend,

with a free hand and keeping a liberal table. Just at the beginning

he had a bad bird to pluck, but the very first vintage set him on his

legs, for he sold his wine at his own price. But the thing that chiefly

made him lift up his head in the world was getting an inheritance, out

of which he managed to prig a good deal more than was really left him.

And that log Chrysanthus, falling out with his brother, has positively

left all his property to I don't know what scum of the earth. He goes

too far, say I, who goes outside his own kith and kin. But he had a

lot of overwise interfering servants, who proved his ruin. A man will

never do well, who believes all he's told too readily, especially a man

in business. Yet it's fair to say he did well enough all his life,

getting what was never meant for him. Evidently one of Fortune's

favorites, in whose hands lead turns to gold. But that's simple

enough, when everything runs on wheels exactly as you want it to.

How old, think you, was he when he died? Seventy and over. But he

was as tough as horn; he carried his age well, and he was still as

black as a crow. I knew him when he was a pretty loose fish, and

he was lecherous to the last. Upon my soul I don't believe he left

a living thing in his house alone, down to the dog. A great lover

of lads, indeed a man of universal talents and tastes. Not that I

blame him; this was all he got out of life."

So much for Phileros; then Ganymede began: "Yes! you talk away," he

said, "about things that concern neither heaven nor earth, but no

one ever thinks of the pinch of famine that's upon us. I swear I

couldn't come across a mouthful of bread this day. And how the

drought holds! Starvation's been the word for a whole twelvemonth

now. Bad cess to the Ediles, who are in collusion with the bakers--

'you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.' And so poor folks

suffer; for your rich fellows' jawbones keep feast-day all the year

round. Ah! if only we had those lion-hearted chaps I found here,

when first I came from Asia. That was something like living. 'Twas

like the midlands of Sicily for plenty, and they used to batter those

vampires about so that Jupiter positively hated them.

"Why! I remember Safinius; he used to live at the Old Arch when I

was a boy. It was a peppercorn, I tell you, not a man. Wherever he

went, he made the ground smoke under him. An upright, downright honest

man, and a trusty friend, one you might confidently play mora with in

the dark. But in Court, how he pounded 'em down, one and all; he

didn't talk in figures of speech, not he, but straight out. Then

when he pleaded in the Forum, his voice would swell out like a

trumpet, though he never sweated or spat. I believe myself he

had a smack of Asiatic blood in him. And how civil he was to return

our bows and give each man his name, just as if he'd been one of

ourselves. So in those days provisions were dirt cheap. A halfpenny

loaf,-- when you'd bought it, you couldn't have finished it, with

another man to help you! Now,-- I've seen a bullock's eye bigger.

"Alas! alas! Things get worse and worse every day, and this city of

ours is growing like a cow's tail, backwards. Why ever have we an

Edile not worth three figs, who thinks more of a halfpenny than of

all our lives? So he sits at home and rubs his hands, making more

coin in a day than another man's whole fortune comes to. I know one

transaction brought him in a thousand gold denars. Why! if we weren't

geldings, he wouldn't be so pleased with himself long. Nowadays the

folks are lions at home, and foxes abroad.

"As for me, I've eaten up my duds, and if the scarcity goes on, I shall

sell my bits of houses. What is to become of us, if neither gods nor

men take pity on this unhappy city? As I hope for happiness, I think

it's all the gods' doing. For nobody any more believes heaven to be

heaven, nobody keeps fast, nobody cares one straw for Jupiter, but all

men shut their eyes and count up their own belongings. In former days

the long-robed matrons went barefoot, with unbound hair and a pure heart,

up the hill to pray Jupiter for rain; and instantly it started raining

bucketfuls,-- then or never,-- and they all came back looking like

drowned rats. So the gods come stealthy-footed to our destruction,

because we have no piety or reverence. The fields lie idle, and--"

"I beseech you," cried Echion, the old-clothes-man, at this point,

"I beseech you, better words! Luck's for ever changing, as the

chawbacon said, when he lost his brindled hog. If not today, then

tomorrow; that's the way the world wags. My word! you couldn't name

a better countryside, if only the inhabitants were to match. True,

we are in low water for the moment, but we're not the only ones. We

must not be so over particular, the same heaven is over us all. If

you lived elsewhere, you'd say pigs ran about here ready roasted.

"And I tell you, we're going to have a grand show in three days from

now at the festival-- none of your common gangs of gladiators, but

most of the chaps freedmen. Our good Titus has a heart of gold and

a hot head; 'twill be do or die, and no quarter. I'm in his service,

he is no shirker! He'll have the best of sharp swords and no backing

out; bloody butcher's meat in the middle, for the amphitheater to

feast their eyes on. And he's got the wherewithal; he was left

thirty million, his father came to a bad end. Suppose he does spend

four hundred thousand or so, his property won't feel it, and his

name will live for ever. He has already got together a lot of

ponies and a female chariot fighter, and Glyco's factor, who was

caught diverting his mistress. You'll see what a row the people

will have betwixt the jealous husbands and the happy lovers.

Anyhow Glyco, who's not worth twopence, condemned his factor to

the beasts,-- which was simply betraying his own dishonor. How

was the servant to blame, who was forced to do what he did? It

was she, the pisspot, deserved tossing by the bull far more than he.

But there, if a man can't get at the donkey's back, he must thrash

the donkey's pack. And how could Glyco ever suppose Hermogenes'

girl should come to any good. He could cut a kite's claws flying;

a snake doesn't father a rope. Glyco! Glyco! you've paid your price;

as long as you live, you're a marked man,-- a brand Hell only can

obliterate. A man's mistakes always come home to roost.

"Why! I can nose out now what a feast Mammaea is going to give us,

two gold denars each for me and mine. If he does so, I only hope

he'll show no favor whatever to Norbanus. You may rest assured he

will clap on all sail. And in good sooth what has the other ever

done for us? He gave a show of twopenny halfpenny gladiators, such

a rickety lot,-- blow on them, they'd have fallen flat; and I've

seen better bestiaries. He killed his mounted men by torchlight,

you might have taken them for dunghill cocks. One was mule-footed,

another bandy-legged, while the third, put up to replace a dead man,

was a deadhead himself, for he was hamstrung before beginning. The

only one to show any spunk was a Thracian, and he only fought when

we tarred him on. In the end they all got a sound thrashing; in

fact the crowd had cried 'Trice up!' for every one of them, they

were obviously such arrant runaways. 'Anyhow I gave you a show,'

said he. 'And I applauded,' said I; 'reckon it up, and I gave you

more than I got. One good turn deserves another.'

"You look, Agamemnon, as if you were saying to yourself, 'Whatever is

that bore driving at?' I talk, because you fellows who can talk, won't

talk. You're not of our stuff and so you laugh at poor men's conversation.

You're a monument of learning, we all know. But there, let me persuade

you one day to come down into the country and see our little place.

We'll find something to eat, a pullet and a few eggs; it will be grand,

even though the bad weather this year has turned everything upside

down. Anyway we shall find enough to fill our bellies.

"And there's a future pupil growing up for you, my little lad at home.

He can repeat four pieces already; if he lives, you will have a little

servant at your beck and call. If he has a spare moment, he never lifts

his head from his slate. He's a bright lad with good stuff in him,

though he is so gone on birds. I've killed three linnets of his, and

told him a weasel ate 'em. But he has found other hobbies, and he's

devoted to painting. Why! he is already showing his heels to the Greek,

and beginning to take capitally to his Latin, though his master is too

easy-going and too restless; he knows his work well enough, but won't

take proper pains. Then there's another, not a learned man but a very

ingenious one, who teaches more than he knows. Accordingly he comes

to the house on high days and holidays, and whatever you give him, he

looks pleased. So I've just bought the lad some lawbooks, for I want

him to have a smack of law for home use. There's bread and butter in

that. For as to Literature, he has been tarred enough already with

that brush. If he kicks, I've made up my mind to teach him a trade,--

a barber, or an auctioneer, or best of all a lawyer,-- which nothing

but Hell can rob him of. So I impress on him every day. 'Believe me,

my first-born, whatever you learn, you learn for your good. Look at

Phileros the advocate; if he hadn't studied, he would be starving

today. The other day, just the other day, he was carting things

round on his shoulders, now he is a match for Norbanus himself.

Learning's a treasure, and a trade never starves.'"

Such were the brilliant remarks that were flashing round the board, when

Trimalchio re-entered, and after wiping his brow and scenting his hands,

"Pardon me, my friends," he said after a brief pause, "but for several

days I have been costive. My physicians were nonplused. However,

pomegranate rind and an infusion of firwood in vinegar has done me good.

And now I trust my belly will be better behaved. At times I have such

a rumbling about my stomach, you'd think I had a bull bellowing inside

me! So if any of you want to relieve yourselves, there's no necessity

to be ashamed about it. None of us is born solid. I don't know any

torment so bad as holding it in. It's the one thing Jove himself cannot

stop. What are you laughing at, Fortunata, you who so often keep me

awake o' nights yourself? I never hinder any man at my table from easing

himself, and indeed the doctors forbid our balking nature. Even if

something more presses, everything's ready outside,-- water, close-stools,

and the other little matters needful. Take my word for it, the vapors

rise to the brain and may cause a fluxion of the whole constitution.

I know many a man that's died of it, because he was too shy to speak out."

We thank our host for his generous indulgence, taking our wine in little

sips the while to keep down our laughter. But little we thought we had

still another hill to climb, as the saying is, and were only half

through the elaborations of the meal. For when the tables had been

cleared with a flourish of music, three white hogs were brought in,

hung with little bells and muzzled. One, so the nomenclator informed

us, was a two-year-old, another three, and the third six. For my part,

I thought they were learned pigs, come in to perform some of those

marvelous tricks you see in circuses. But Trimalchio put an end to

my surmises by saying, "Which of the three will you have dressed for

supper right away? Farmyard cocks and pheasants are for country

folks; my cooks are used to serving up calves boiled whole."

So saying, he immediately ordered the cook to be summoned, and without

waiting for our choice, directed the six-year-old to be killed. Then

speaking loud and clear, he asked the man, "What decuria do you belong to?"

"To the fortieth," he replied.

"Bought," he went on, "or born in my house?"

"Neither;" returned the cook, "I was left you by Pansa's will."

"Then mind you serve the dish carefully dressed; else I shall order you

to be degraded into the decuria of the outdoor slaves."

And the cook, thus cogently admonished, then withdrew with his charge

into the kitchen.

But Trimalchio, relaxing his stern aspect, now turned to us and said

"If you don't like the wine, I'll have it changed; otherwise please

prove its quality by your drinking. Thanks to the gods' goodness,

I never buy it; but now I have everything that smacks good growing

on a suburban estate of mine. I've not seen it yet, but they tell

me it's down Terracina and Tarentum way. I am thinking at the moment

of making Sicily one of my little properties, that when I've a mind

to visit Africa, I may sail along my own boundaries to get there.

"But tell me, Agamemnon, what question formed the subject of your

declamation today? Though I don't plead myself, I've studied letters

for domestic use. Don't imagine I have despised scholarship; why!

I have two Libraries, one Greek, the other Latin. If you love me,

then, let me know what your discourse was."

Agamemnon had just begun, "A poor man and a rich were at feud . . ."

when Trimalchio struck in with the question, "What is a poor man!"

"Oh, capital!" cried Agamemnon; and went on to develop some dialectical

problem or another.

Trimalchio summed up without an instant's hesitation as follows,

"If this is so, there's no question about it; if it's not so, why!

there's an end of the matter."

Whilst we were still acclaiming these and similar remarks with

fulsome praise, he resumed, "Pray, my dearest Agamemnon, do you

recollect by any chance the twelve labors of Hercules, or the

story of Ulysses, how the Cyclops twisted his thumb out of joint,

after he was turned into a pig. I used to read these tales in Homer

when I was a lad. Then the Sibyl! I saw her at Cumae with my own

eyes hanging in a jar; and when the boys cried to her, 'Sibyl, what

would you?' she'd answer, 'I would die,'-- both of 'em speaking Greek."

CHAPTER EIGHT

He was still in the middle of this nonsense when a tray supporting an

enormous hog was set on the table. One and all we expressed our

admiration at the expedition shown, and swore a mere ordinary fowl

could not have been cooked in the time, the more so as the hog appeared

to be a much larger animal than the wild boar just before. Presently

Trimalchio, staring harder and harder, exclaimed, "What! what! isn't

he gutted? No! by heaven! he's not. Call the cook in!"

The cook came and stood by the table, looking sadly crestfallen and

saying he had clean forgotten. "What! forgotten!" cried Trimalchio;

"to hear him, you would suppose he'd just omitted a pinch of pepper

or a bit of cumin. Strip him!"

Instantly the cook was stripped, and standing between two tormentors,

the picture of misery. But we all began to intercede for him, saying,

"Accidents will happen; do forgive him this once. If ever he does it

again, not one of us will say a word in his favor." For my own part I

felt mercilessly indignant, and could not hold myself, but bending over

to Agamemnon's ear, I whispered, "Evidently he must be a villainous bad

servant. To think of anybody forgetting to bowel a hog; by Gad! I would

not let the fellow off, if he'd shown such carelessness about a fish."

Not so Trimalchio, for with a smile breaking over his face, "Well! well!"

said he, "as you have such a bad memory, bowel him now, where we can all

see."

Thereupon the cook resumed his tunic, seized his knife and with a trembling

hand slashed open the animal's belly. In a moment, the apertures widening

under the weight behind, out tumbled a lot of sausages and black-puddings.

At this all the servants applauded like one man, and chorused, "Gaius

for ever!" Moreover the cook was gratified with a goblet of wine and

a silver wreath, and received a drinking cup on a salver of Corinthian

metal. This Agamemnon scanned with some attention, and Trimalchio

observed, "I am the only man possessing the genuine Corinthian plate."

I fully expected him to match his usual effrontery by declaring he had

himself imported the articles from Corinth; but he had a better account

to give of the matter. "You may wonder perhaps," he said, "why I alone

have the true Corinthian. The fact is, the smith I buy them from is

called Corinth, and what can be more Corinthian than to have Corinth at

one's orders? But you must not set me down for a dunce; I know perfectly

well how Corinthian plate first originated. On the capture of Troy,

Hannibal, an astute fellow and a consummate knave, collected together

all the statues of bronze and gold and silver into one great heap, and

firing the pile, melted down the different metals into one alloy. This

mass of metal the smiths utilized to make into platters and dishes and

statuettes. Such was the origin of Corinthian metal, neither one thing

nor the other, but an amalgam of all.

"But you must allow me to say this, I prefer glass ones myself; they

are quite free from smell at any rate. And if they didn't break, I

would rather have them than gold itself; but they've got cheap and

common now. However there was an artificer once who made a glass goblet

that would not break. So he was admitted to Caesar's presence to offer

him his invention; then, on receiving the cup back from Caesar's hands,

he dashed it down on the floor. Who so startled as Caesar? but the

man quietly picked up the goblet again, which was dinted as a vessel

of bronze might be. Then taking a little hammer from his pocket, he

easily and neatly knocked the goblet into shape again. This done, the

fellow thought he was as good as in heaven already, especially when

Caesar said to him, 'Does anybody else besides yourself understand the

manufacture of this glass?' But lo! on his replying in the negative,

Caesar ordered him to be beheaded, because if once the secret became

known, we should think no more of gold than of so much dirt.

"I'm quite a connoisseur in plate. I've got cups as big as waterpots,

a hundred of them more or less, representing how Cassandra slew her

sons, and there lie the lads dead, as natural as life! I've got a

thousand bowls Mummius bequeathed to my patron, on which Daedalus is

shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan horse. Why! I've got the fights

of Hermeros and Petraites on a series of cups all of massive metal.

I wouldn't sell my savvy in these things for any money."

In the middle of these remarks a slave dropped a cup. Trimalchio

looked at him and said, "Go at once and kill yourself; you are a

careless fellow." The slave immediately dropped his lip and began

to beg for mercy. "Why worry me," cried Trimalchio, "as if I were

being harsh upon you. I merely urge you to secure yourself from

being so heedless again." At length, on our entreaty, he pardoned

the man. The latter, to celebrate the event, began running round

and round the table, crying, "Out water, in wine!" We were all ready

to take the merry rascal's kind suggestion, and particularly Agamemnon,

who knew very well how to earn another invitation. But Trimalchio

under the stimulus of our flattery drank away more gayly than ever,

and being close on the verge of intoxication, "Won't any of you," he

cried, "ask my wife Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one

foots the cancan better." Then putting up his two hands himself above

his brow, he began imitating Syrus the comedian, the whole household

singing out, "Bravo! Oh, bravissimo!" in chorus; and he would have

made a public exhibition of himself, had not Fortunata whispered in

his ear and told him, I suppose, that suchlike buffooneries were

beneath his dignity. But nothing could well be more uncertain than

his humor; one moment he would listen respectfully to Fortunata, the

next hark back to his natural propensities.

However his dancing fit was cut short by the entrance of the

historiographer, who read out solemnly, as if he were reciting

the public records:

"Seventh of Kalends of July (June 25th): On the manor of Cumae,

Trimalchio's property, were born this day thirty boys, forty girls;

were carried from threshing-floor to granary 500,000 bushels of wheat;

were put to the yoke 500 oxen.

"Same day: Mithridates, a slave, was crucified for blaspheming our

master Gaius' tutelary genius.

"Same day: returned to treasury ten million sesterces, no investment

being forthcoming for the sum.

"Same day: a fire occurred in Pompey's garden, originating at the

house of Nasta, the Bailiff."

"Eh?" interrupted Trimalchio, "when were Pompey's gardens bought for me?"

"Last year," answer the historiographer; "therefore they have not been

brought into account yet."

Trimalchio blazed up at this and shouted, "Any estates bought in my name,

if I hear nothing of them within six months, I forbid their being carried

to my account at all."

Next were read his Ediles' edicts and Foresters' wills, in which

Trimalchio was excluded from inheritance, but mentioned with the highest

encomiums. Then the names of his Bailiffs were recited; how the Chief

Inspector had repudiated his mistress, a freedwoman, having detected

her in an intrigue with the Bath-Super-intendent; how the Chamberlain

had been removed to Baiae: the Steward convicted of peculation; and a

dispute between the Grooms of the Chamber adjudicated upon.

But now the acrobats entered at last. A most tiresome, dull fellow

stood supporting a ladder, up the rungs of which he ordered a lad to

climb and dance and sing on the top, and then leap down through

blazing hoops holding a wine-jar in his teeth. Trimalchio was the

only person present who admired this performance, saying it was a

hard life truly. There were but two things, he went on, in all the

world he really enjoyed seeing-- acrobats and horn-blowers; all other

shows were mere trash. "Yes! I bought a company of comedians too,"

he said, "but I insisted on their playing Atellanes, and I ordered

my conductor to play Latin airs and Latin airs only."

In the middle of these fine remarks of the great Gaius, the boy

suddenly tumbled down on top of our host. The domestics all raised

a shriek, and the guests as well, not for any love they bore the

disgusting creature, whose neck they would have gladly seen broken,

but for fear of a bad end to the feast and the necessity of lamenting

the man's death. Trimalchio himself gave a deep groan and bent over

one arm, as if it were injured. His physicians flocked round him,

and amongst the foremost Fortunata with streaming hair and a cup in

her hand, asseverating she was a most miserable, unhappy woman. For

his part, the boy who had fallen was already creeping round at our

knees, beseeching us to intercede for him.

I was tormented with the idea that these prayers were only intended

to lead up by some ridiculous turn to another theatrical denouement.

For the cook who had forgotten to bowel the hog still stuck in my memory.

So I began to carry my eyes all about the room, to see if the wall

would not open to admit some stage-machine or other, especially after

observing how a slave was thrashed, who had bandaged his master's

bruised arm with white instead of purple wool. Nor was I far out in

my suspicions, for in lieu of punishment being inflicted, Trimalchio

now ruled that the lad must be made free, that none might be able to

say so noble a gentleman had been injured by a slave. We acclaim the

generous act, and indulge in a string of platitudes on the precariousness

of human affairs. "Well, then!" interposed Trimalchio, "an accident

like this must not be allowed to pass without an impromptu," and

instantly calling for his tablets, and without much racking of brains,

he read out the following lines:

"When least we think, things go astray,

Dame Fortune o'er our life holds sway;

Then drink, make merry, whilst ye may!"

This epigram led the way to a discussion of poets and poetry, and for

some time the palm of song was awarded to Mopsus the Thracian, until

Trimalchio remarked to Agamemnon, "Pray, master, what do you consider

the difference to be between Cicero and Publilius? For my own part, I

consider the former the more eloquent author, the latter the more

genteel. What for instance can be better put than this:

"'Tis arrant luxury undoes the State;

To please your palate pampered peacocks die,

That flaunt their plumed Assyrian gold abroad

For you Numidian fowl and capon fat.

Even the kindly stork is sacrificed,

Our graceful, noisy, long-legged friend,

Fearful of winter's cold and harbinger of Spring,

And finds the cruel cooking-pot its nest.

Why are the Indian pearls so dear to you,--

If not to deck with sea-sought gems the wife

That lifts a wanton leg adulterously?

Why love you so the emerald's greeny gleam,

And flashing fires of Punic carbuncles?

Honor and virtue are the truest gems.

Is't right the bride should wear the woven wind,

And stand exposed in garments thin as air?

"Now what do you hold to be the most difficult calling," he went on,

"after Literature? I think the doctor's and the money-changer's; the

doctor, because he's got to know what chaps have in their insides, and

when the fever's coming,-- though truly I hate 'em like fury, for

they're for ever ordering me duck-broth; the money-changer, who detects

the bronze underneath the surface plating of silver.

"Of beasts the most hard-working are oxen and sheep; to the former we

owe the bread we eat, while 'tis the latter make us so fine with their

wool. What a brutal shame it is when a man eats mutton and wears a

woolen coat! Now bees,-- I do think they are God's own creatures, for

they vomit honey, though some say they bring it down from Jupiter. And

that's why they sting, for you'll never find sweet without sour."

He was still cutting out the philosophers in this fashion, when lottery

tickets were passed round in a cup, and a slave, whose special duty this

was, read out the presents to be distributed in the tombola:

"Humbug Silver; a gammon of bacon was shown, with cruets of that metal

standing on it.

A Neck-Pillow; and a neck of mutton was produced.

Forbidden Fruits and Contumely; pommeloes were brought in, and a

punt-pole with an apple.

Leeks and Peaches; the drawer received a whip and a knife.

Dress Clothes and Morning Coat; a piece of meat and a memorandum book.

Canal and Foot Measure; a hare and a slipper.

Lamprey and Letter; a mouse and a frog tied together, and a bundle of

beetroot."

We laughed loud and long; and there were a hundred and fifty other

conceits of the same sort that have escaped my memory.

CHAPTER NINE

But Ascyltos, lost to all self-control, threw his arms up in the air,

and turning the whole proceedings into ridicule, laughed till the tears

ran down his cheeks. At this once of the freedmen among the guests, the

same who occupied the place next above me, lost his temper and shouted:

"What are you laughing at, muttonhead? Isn't my master's elegant

hospitality to your taste? You're a mighty fine gentleman, I suppose,

and used to better entertainment. So help me the guardian spirits of

this house, but I would have made him baa to some purpose, had I been

next him. A pretty sprig indeed, to laugh at other people! a vagabond

from who knows where, a night-raker, that's not worth his own piddle!

Just let me piss round him, and he would not know how to save his life!

By the powers, I'm not as a rule quick to take offense, but there!

worms are bred in soft flesh. He's laughing; what's he got to laugh

at? Did his father buy the brat for money? You're a Roman knight:

and I'm a king's son. 'Why did you serve as a slave then?' Why!

because I chose to, and thought it better to be a Roman citizen than

a tributary king. And henceforth I hope to live a life beyond the

reach of any one's ridicule. I am a man now among men; I can walk

about with my nose in the air. I owe nobody a brass farthing; I've

never made composition; no one ever stopped me in the forum with a

'Pay me that thou owest!' I've bought some bits of land, put by a

trifle of tin; I keep twenty folks in victuals, to say nothing of

the dog; I've purchased my bedfellow's freedom, that no man should

wipe his hands on her bosom; I paid a thousand denars to redeem her;

I was made a sevir, free gratis for nothing; I trust I may die and

have no cause to blush in my grave.

"But you, are you so busy you can't so much as look behind you? You

can spy a louse on a neighbor's back, and never see the great tick on

your own. You're the only man to find us ridiculous; there's your

master and your elder, he likes us well enough, I warrant. You! with

your mammy's milk scarce dry on your lips, you can't say boo! to a

goose; you crock, you limp scrap of soaked leather, you may be supple,

but you're no good. Are you richer than other folk? then dine twice

over, and sup twice! For myself I value my credit far above millions.

Did any man ever dun me twice? I served forty years, but nobody knows

whether I was slave or free. I was a long-haired lad when first I came

to this town; the basilica was not built yet. But I took pains to

please my master, a great, grand gentleman and a dignified, whose

nail-parings were worth more than your whole body. And I had enemies in

the house, let me tell you, quite ready to trip me up on occasion; but--

thanks to his kind nature-- I swam the rapids. That's the real struggle;

for to be born a gentleman is as easy as 'Come here.' Whatever

are you gaping at now, like a buck-goat in a field of bitter vetch?"

At this harangue Giton, who was standing at my feet, could no longer

contain himself, but burst into a most indecorous peal of merriment.

When Ascyltos' adversary noticed the fact, he turned his abuse upon the

lad, screaming, "You're laughing too, are you, you curled onion? Ho!

for the Saturnalia, is it December, pray? When did you stump up your

twentieth? What's he at now, the crow's meat gallows-bird? I'll take

care God's anger falls on you, you and your master who does not keep

you in better order. As I hope to live by bread. I only keep my hands

off you out of respect for my fellow freedmen; else would I have paid

you off this instant minute. We're right enough, but your folks are good

for nothing, who don't keep you to heel. Verily, like master like man.

I can scarce hold myself, and I'm not a hot-headed man naturally; but

if I once begin, I don't care twopence for my own mother. All right, I

shall come across you yet in the open street, you rat, you mushroom, you!

I'll never stir up nor down, if I don't drive your master into a wretched

hole, and show you what's what, though you call upon Olympian Jove himself

to help you! I'll be the ruin of your rubbishy ringlets and your twopenny

master into the bargain. All right, see if I don't get my teeth into

you; either I don't know myself, or you shall laugh on the wrong side of

your face, even if you have a beard of gold. I'll see that Minerva's

down on you, and the man that first trained you to be what you are.

"I never learned Geometry and Criticism and such like nonsensical

screeds, but I do understand the lapidaries' marks, and I can subdivide

to the hundredth part when it comes to questions of mass, and weight

and mintage. Well and good! if you have a mind, we'll have a little

wager, you and I; come now, here I clap down the tin. You'll soon see

your father wasted his money on you, though you do know Rhetoric. Now:

'Which of us?-- I come long, I come wide:

now guess me.'

"I'll tell you which of us runs, yet never stirs from the spot; which of

us grows, and gets less all the while. How you skip and fidget and fuss,

like a mouse in a chamber-pot! So either hold your tongue altogether,

or don't attack a better man than yourself, who hardly knows of your

existence,-- unless perhaps you think I'm troubled by your yellow

ringlets, that you stole from your doxy. God helps the man that helps

himself! Let's away to the forum to borrow money; you'll soon see this

bit of iron commands some credit. Aha! a fine sight, a fox in a sweat!

As I hope to thrive and make such a good end the people will all be

swearing at my death, hang me if I don't chivy you up hill and down

dale till you drop! A fine sight too, the fellow that taught you so,--

a muff I call him, not a master! We learned something else in my time;

the master used to say, 'Are your things safe? go straight home; don't

stop staring about, and don't be impertinent to your elders.' Now it's

all trash; they turn out nobody worth twopence. That I am what I am,

I owe to my own wits, and I thank God for it!"

Ascyltos was just beginning to answer his abuse; but Trimalchio, charmed

with his fellow-freedman's eloquence, stopped him, saying, "Come, come!

leave your bickerings on one side. Better be good-natured; and do you

Hermeros, spare the young man. His blood is up; so be reasonable. To

yield is always to win in these matters. You were a young cockerel

yourself once, and then coco coco you went, and never a grain of sense

in you! So take my advice, let's start afresh and be jolly, while we

enjoy the Homerists."

Immediately there filed in an armed band, and clashed spears on shields.

Trimalchio himself sat in state on his cushion, and when the Homerists

began a dialogue in Greek verse, as is their unmannerly manner, read

out a Latin text in a clear, loud voice. Presently in an interval of

silence, "You know," says he, "what the tale is they are giving us?

Diomed and Ganymede were two brothers. Their sister was Helen of Troy.

Agamemnon carried her off and palmed a doe on Diana in her stead. So

Homer relates how the Trojans and Parentines fought each other. He got

the best of it, it seems, and gave his daughter Iphigenia in marriage

to Achilles. This drove Ajax mad, who will presently make it all plain

to you." No sooner had Trimalchio finished speaking than the Homerists

raised a shout, and with the servants bustling in all directions, a

boiled calf was borne in on a silver dish weighing two hundred pounds,

and actually wearing a helmet. Then came Ajax, and rushing at it like

a madman slashed it to bits with his naked sword, and making passes

now up and down, collected the pieces on his point and so distributed

the flesh among the astonished guests.

We had little time however to admire these elegant surprises; for all

of a sudden the ceiling began to rattle and the whole room trembled.

I sprang up in consternation, fearing some tumbler was going to fall

through the roof. The other guests were no less astounded, and gazed

aloft, wondering what new prodigy they were to expect now from the

skies. Then lo and behold! the ceiling opened and a huge hoop,

evidently stripped from an enormous cask, was let down, all round

which hung suspended golden wreaths and caskets containing precious

ungents. These we were invited to take home with us as mementos.

Then looking again at the table, I saw that a tray of cakes had been

placed on it, with a figure of Priapus, the handiwork of the pastry-cook,

standing in the middle, represented in the conventional way as carrying

in his capacious bosom grapes and all sorts of fruits. Eagerly we reached

out after these dainties, when instantly a new trick set us laughing

afresh. For each cake and each fruit was full of saffron, which spurted

out into our faces at the slightest touch, giving us an unpleasant

drenching. So conceiving there must be something specially holy about

this dish, scented as it was in this ceremonial fashion, we rose to our

feet, crying, "All hail, Augustus, Father of his Country!" But seeing

the others still helping themselves to the dessert, even after this act

of piety, we also filled our napkins,-- myself among the foremost, as

I thought no gift good enough to pour into my beloved Giton's bosom.

Meantime three slaves entered wearing short white jackets. Two of them set

on the table images of the Lares with amulets round their necks, while

the third carried round a goblet of wine, crying, "The gods be favorable!

the gods be favorable!" Trimalchio told us they were named respectively

Cerdo, Felicio and Lucrio. Then came a faithful likeness of Trimalchio in

marble, and as everybody else kissed it, we were ashamed not to do likewise.

Then after we had all wished one another good health of mind and body,

Trimalchio turned to Niceros and said, "You used to be better company;

what makes you so dull and silent today? I beg you, if you wish to oblige

me, tell us that adventure of yours." Niceros, delighted at his friend's

affability, replied, "May I never make profit more, if I'm not ready to

burst with satisfaction to see you so well disposed, Trimalchio. So ho!

for a pleasant hour,-- though I very much fear these learned chaps will

laugh at me. Well! let 'em. I'll say my say for all that! What does it

hurt me, if a man does grin? Better they should laugh with me than at me."

"These words the hero spake," and so began the following strange story:

"When I was still a slave, we lived in a narrow street; the house is

Gavilla's now. There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with

Terentius, the tavern-keeper's wife; you all knew Melissa from Tarentum,

the prettiest of pretty wenches! Not that I courted her carnally or

for venery, but more because she was such a good sort. Nothing I asked

did she ever refuse; if she made a penny, I got a halfpenny; whatever I

saved, I put in her purse, and she never choused me. Well! her husband

died when they were at a country house. So I moved heaven and earth to

get to her; true friends, you know, are proved in adversity.

"It so happened my master had gone to Capua, to attend to various

trifles of business. So seizing the opportunity, I persuade our lodger

to accompany me as far as the fifth milestone. He was a soldier, as bold

as Hell. We got under way about first cockcrow, with the moon shining as

bright as day. We arrive at the tombs; my man lingers behind among the

gravestones, whilst I sit down singing, and start counting the gravestones.

Presently I looked back for my comrade; he had stripped off all his

clothes and laid them down by the wayside. My heart was in my mouth;

and there I stood feeling like a dead man. Then he made water all round

the clothes, and in an instant changed into a wolf. Don't imagine I'm

joking; I would not tell a lie for the finest fortune ever man had.

"However, as I was telling you, directly he was turned into a wolf, he

set up a howl, and away to the woods. At first I didn't know where I

was, but presently I went forward to gather up his clothes; but lo and

behold! they were turned into stone. If ever a man was like to die of

terror, I was that man! Still I drew my sword and let out at every

shadow on the road till I arrived at my sweetheart's house. I rushed

in looking like a ghost, soul and body barely sticking together. The

sweat was pouring down between my legs, my eyes were set, my wits gone

almost past recovery. Melissa was astounded at my plight, wondering

why ever I was abroad so late. 'Had you come a little sooner,' she

said, 'you might have given us a hand; a wolf broke into the farm and

has slaughtered all the cattle, just as if a butcher had bled them.

Still he didn't altogether have the laugh on us, though he did escape;

for one of the laborers ran him through the neck with a pike.'

"After hearing this, I could not close an eye, but directly it was broad

daylight, I started off for our good Gaius's house, like a peddler whose

pack's been stolen; and coming to the spot where the clothes had been

turned into stone, I found nothing whatever but a pool of blood. When

eventually I got home, there lay my soldier a-bed like a great ox, while

a surgeon was dressing his neck. I saw at once he was a werewolf and I

could never afterwards eat bread with him, no! not if you'd killed me.

Other people may think what they please; but as for me, if I'm telling

you a lie, may your guardian spirits confound me!"

We were all struck dumb with amazement, till Trimalchio broke the

silence, saying, "Far be it from me to doubt your story; if you'll

believe me, my hair stood on end, for I know Niceros is not the man

to repeat idle fables; he's perfectly trustworthy and anything but a

babbler. Now! I'll tell you a horrible tale myself, as much out of

the common as an ass on the tiles!

"I was still but a long-haired lad (for I led a Chian life from a boy)

when our master's minion died,-- a pearl, by heaven! a paragon of

perfection at all points. Well! as his poor mother was mourning him,

and several of us besides condoling with her, all of a sudden the

witches set up their hullabaloo, for all the world like a hound in

full cry after a hare. At that time we had a Cappadocian in the

household, a tall fellow, and a high-spirited, and strong enough to

lift a mad bull off its feet. This man gallantly drawing his sword,

dashed out in front of the house door, first winding his cloak

carefully round his left arm, and lunging out, as it might be there--

no harm to what I touch-- ran a woman clean through. We heard a groan,

but the actual witches (I'm very particular to tell the exact truth)

we did not see. Coming in again, our champion threw himself down on

a bed and his body was black and blue all over, just as if he had been

scourged with whips, for it seems an evil hand had touched him. We

barred the door and turned back afresh to our lamentations, but when

his mother threw her arms round her boy and touched his dead body,

she found nothing but a wisp of straw. It had neither heart, nor

entrails, nor anything else; for the witches had whipped away the

lad and left a changeling of straw in his place. Now I ask you, can

you help after this believing there are wise women, and hags that fly

by night. But our tall bully, after what happened, never got back

his color, in fact a few days afterward he died raving mad!"

We listened with wonder and credulity in equal proportions, and kissing

the table, besought the Night-hags to keep in quarters, while we were

returning home.

And indeed by this time the lights seemed to burn double and I thought

the whole room looked changed, when Trimalchio exclaimed, "I call on

you, Plocamus; have you nothing to tell us? no diversion for us? And

you used to be such good company, with your amusing dialogues and the

comic songs you interspersed. Heigho! all gone, ye toothsome titbits,

all gone?" "Alas! my racing days are over, since I got the gout,"

replied the other; "but when I was a young man, I very nearly sang

myself into a consumption. Dancing? dialogues? buffoonery? when did

I ever find my match, eh?-- always excepting Appelles." And clapping

his hand to his mouth, he spit out some horrid stuff that sounded like

whistling, and which he told us afterwards was Greek.

Moreover Trimalchio himself gave an imitation of a horn-blower, and

presently turned to his minion whom he called Croesus. This was a

lad with sore eyes and filthy teeth: he was playing with a little

black bitch, disgustingly fat, twisting a green scarf round her,

putting half a loaf of bread on the couch, and on the animal's

refusing to eat it, being already overfed, cramming it down her

throat. This reminding Trimalchio of a duty omitted, he ordered

Scylax to be brought in, "the guardian of my house and home." Next

moment a huge watchdog was led in on a large chain and took up a

position in front of the table. Then Trimalchio tossed him a lump

of white bread, observing, "There's no one in the house loves me

better." The boy was enraged at hearing Scylax so lavishly praised,

and setting his bitch down on the floor, cheered her on to attack the

monster. Scylax, as was his nature to, filled the room with savage

barking, and almost tore Croesus's little "Pearl" into bits. Nor did

this fight end the trouble; but a chandelier was upset over the table,

smashing all the crystal, and scalding some of the guests with oil.

Trimalchio, not to appear disconcerted at the damage done, kissed the

lad and told him to get up on his back. The latter mounted a-cockhorse

without a moment's hesitation, and repeatedly slapping him on the

shoulders with his open hand, laughingly shouted, "Buck! buck! how

many fingers do I hold up?" After thus submitting for a while to be

made a horse of, Trimalchio ordered them to prepare a capacious bowl

of wine for all the slaves sitting at our feet, but on this condition,

he added, "If any one won't take his whack, souse it over his head!

Business in the daytime, now for jollity!"

CHAPTER TEN

After this display of good nature, there followed a course of delicacies,

only to think of which, if you'll believe me, makes me feel ill. For

instead of thrushes, a fatted hen was set before each guest and chaperoned

goose-eggs which Trimalchio urged us most pressingly to partake of,

assuring us the hens were boned.

At this moment a lictor knocked at the folding doors of the dining-hall,

and dressed out in a white robe, a fresh boon-companion now entered, with

a large train in attendance. As for me, I was so much impressed by all

this state and ceremony, I thought it was the Pretor. So I made as if

to rise and set my naked feet to the floor. Agamemnon laughed at my

trepidation. "Sit still, you silly fellow," said he, "it's Habinnas

the Sevir, he's a marble-mason, and it seems makes capital good

monuments." Reassured by what he said, I lay back again in my place,

and watched Habinnas' entry with the greatest admiration. He was

already tipsy, and leant for support on his wife's shoulder; wearing

several heavy wreaths round his brow, which was so reeking with

perfume it kept trickling into his eyes, he took the Pretor's place,

and at once called for wine and hot water.

Delighted at his joviality, Trimalchio himself called for a large

goblet, and asked him how he had been entertained. "We had everything

in the world," he replied, "except the pleasure of your company; for

indeed my inclinations were here. But upon my word, it was very fine.

Scissa was giving a very elegant novendial in memory of her poor old

slave, whom she had enfranchised after his death. And I suppose she

will have a good round sum to pay to the tax-collectors, for they do

tell me the dead man's fortune came to fifty thousand. I assure you

it was all very pleasant, though we did have to pour half our liquor

over his old bones."

"But what did you have for dinner?" Trimalchio asked.

"I'll tell you, if I can," was the answer, "but there, I have such a

first-class memory, I often forget my own name. However, for first

course we had a pig topped with a black-pudding and garnished with

fritters and giblets, capitally dressed, and beetroot of course, and

whole-meal brown bread, which I prefer myself to white; it makes muscle,

and when I do my does, I don't have to yell. The next course was cold

tarts, and to drink, excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey. So

I ate a fine helping of tart, and smeared myself well with the honey.

As accessories, were chick-peas and lupines, nuts at discretion, and

an apple apiece. But I took two, and look you! I've got them here

tied up in a napkin; for if I don't take some present back for my

little slave lad at home, there'll be a row. Right! my wife reminds

me, we had also, on the sideboard a joint of bear's meat. Scintilla

took some inadvertently, and very nearly threw up her guts. I on the

contrary ate nearly a pound of it; indeed it tasted quite like boar's

flesh. And what I say is, if bear eats man, why should not man, with

a far better reason, eat bear? To end up with, we had cream cheese

flavored with wine jelly, snails, one apiece, chitterlings, scalloped

liver and chaperoned eggs, turnips, mustard and (by your leave,

Palamedes!) a dish of mixed siftings; pickled olives also were handed

round in a bowl, from which some of the party were mean enough to help

themselves to three handfuls each; the ham we declined altogether.

"But pray, Gaius, why is not Fortunata at table?"

"Don't you know her better than that?" answered Trimalchio. "Not until

she has counted the plate, and divided the leavings among the slaves,

will she let so much as a drop of water pass her lips."

"Well!" returned Habinnas, "if she does not join us, I'm off for one,"

and made as though to get up, when at a signal from their master the

whole houseful of slaves called out, four times over and more,

"Fortunata! Fortunata!" At this she entered at last, her frock kilted

up with a yellow girdle, so as to show a cherry-colored tunic underneath,

and corded anklets and gold-embroidered slippers. Then wiping her hands

on a handkerchief she wore at her neck, she placed herself on the same

couch beside Habinnas' wife, Scintilla, kissing her while the other claps

her hands, and exclaiming, "Have I really the pleasure of seeing you?"

Before long it came to Fortunata's taking off the bracelets from her

great fat arms to show them to her admiring companion. Finally she

even undid her anklets and her hairnet, which she assured Scintilla

was of the very finest gold. Trimalchio observing this, ordered all

the things to be brought to him. "You see this woman's fetters," he

cried; "that's the way we poor devils are robbed! Six pound and a half,

if it's an ounce; and yet I've got one myself of ten pound weight, all

made out of Mercury's thousandths." Eventually to prove he was not

telling a lie, he ordered a pair of scales to be brought, and had the

articles carried round and the weight tested by each in turn. And

Scintilla was just as bad, for she drew from her bosom a little gold

casket she called her Lucky Box. From it she produced a pair of

ear-pendants and handed them one after the other to Fortunata to

admire, saying, "Thanks to my husband's goodness, no wife has finer."

"Why truly!" remarked Habinnas, "you gave me no peace till I bought

you the glass bean. I tell you straight, if I had a daughter, I

should cut off her ears. If there were no women in the world, we

should have everything in the world dirt cheap; as it is, we've just

got to piss hot and drink cold."

Meanwhile the two women, though a trifle piqued, laughed good-humoredly

together and interchanged some tipsy kisses, the one praising the thrifty

management of the lady of the house, the other enlarging on the minions

her husband kept and his unthrifty ways. While they were thus engaged

in close confabulation, Habinnas got up stealthily and catching hold of

Fortunata's legs, upset her on the couch. "Ah! ah!" she screeched, as

her tunic slipped up above her knees. Then falling on Scintilla's

bosom, she hid in her handkerchief a face all afire with blushes.

After a short interval Trimalchio next ordered the dessert to be served;

hereupon the servants removed all the tables and brought in fresh ones,

and strewed the floor with saffron and vermilion colored sawdust and,--

a refinement I had not seen before,-- with specular stone reduced to

powder. The moment the tables were changed, Trimalchio remarked, "I

could really be quite content with what we have; for you see your

'second tables' before you. However, if there is anything spicy for

dessert, let's have it in."

Meantime an Alexandrian lad, who served round the hot water, began

imitating a nightingale, his master from time to time calling out,

"Change!" Another form of entertainment followed. A slave who was

sitting at Habinnas' feet, at his master's bidding, as I imagine,

suddenly sang out in a loud voice:

"Meantime Aeneas cuts his watery way. . . ."

Nothing harsher ever shocked my ears, for to say nothing of the

false inflections, now high now low, of his voice and his barbarous

pronunciation, he kept sticking in tags from Atellane farces, so that

for the first time in my life I found Virgil intolerable. Yet no

sooner did he pause for an instant than Habinnas loudly applauded

the performance, adding, "The man has had no regular training; I

merely sent him to see some mountebanks, and that's how he learned.

The result is, he has not his match, whether it's muleteers or

mountebanks he wants to mimic. He's just desperate clever; he's

cobbler, cook, confectioner, a compendium of all the talents.

Still he has two faults, but for which he would be a perfect paragon:

he is circumcised and he snores. For his squinting, I don't mind

that; Venus has the same little defect. That's why his tongue is

never still, because one eye is pretty much always on the alert.

I gave three hundred denars for him."

Here Scintilla interrupted the speaker; "You take good care," she

said, "not to mention all the scamp's qualifications. I'm sure he

must be an arrant go-between; but I'll see to it that he has his

brand before long."

Trimalchio only laughed and said, "I see he's a true Cappadocian;

always looks out for number one. And, my word! I don't blame him;

for indeed, once dead, this is a thing nobody can secure us. And you,

Scintilla, don't be so jealous! Believe me, we understand you women.

As I hope to be safe and sound, I used myself to poke her ladyship, so

that even my master got suspicious; and that's why he sent me off to

be factor in the country. But hush! tongue, and I'll give thee a cake."

Taking everything that was said for high praise, the foul slave now

drew an earthenware lamp from his bosom, and for more than half an

hour mimicked a trumpeter, while Habinnas accompanied him, squeezing

his lip down with his fingers. Finally he actually stepped out into

the middle of the room, and first imitated a fluteplayer by means of

broken reeds; then with riding-cloak and whip, acted the muleteer,

till Habinnas called him to his side and kissed him, gave him a drink

and cried, "Bravo! Massa, bravo! I'll give you a pair of boots."

We should never have seen the end of these tiresome inflictions but

for the Extra-Course now coming in,-- thrushes of pastry, stuffed

with raisins and walnuts, followed by quinces stuck over with thorns,

to represent sea-urchins. This would have been intolerable enough,

had it not been for a still more outlandish dish, such a horrible

concoction, we would rather have died than touch it. Directly it was

on the table,-- to all appearance a fatted goose, with fish and fowl

of all kinds round it. "Friends," cried Trimalchio, "every single

thing you see on that dish is made out of one substance." With my

wonted perspicacity, I instantly guessed its nature, and said, giving

Agamemnon a look, "For my own part, I shall be greatly surprised,

if it is not all made of filth, or at any rate mud. When I was in

Rome at the Saturnalia, I saw some sham eatables of the same sort."

I had not done speaking when Trimalchio explained, "As I hope to grow

a bigger man,-- in fortune I mean, not fat,-- I declare my cook made

it every bit out of a pig. Never was a more invaluable fellow! Give

the word, he'll make you a fish of the paunch, a wood-pigeon of the

lard, a turtle-dove of the forehand, and a hen of the hind leg! And

that's why I very cleverly gave him such a fine and fitting name as

Daedalus. And because he's such a good servant, I brought him a

present from Rome, a set of knives of Noric steel." These he

immediately ordered to be brought, and examined and admired them,

even allowing us to try their edge on our cheeks.

All of a sudden in rushed two slaves, as if fresh from a quarrel at the

fountain; at any rate they still had their water-pots hanging from the

shoulder-yokes. Then when Trimalchio gave judgment upon their

difference, they would neither of them accept his decision, but each

smashed the other's pot with a stick. We were horror-struck at the

drunken scoundrels' insolence, and looking hard at the combatants, we

noticed oysters and scallops tumbling out of the broken pitchers, which

another slave gathered up and handed round on a platter. This refinement

was matched by the ingenious cook, who now brought in snails on a little

silver gridiron, singing the while in a quavering, horribly rasping voice.

I am really ashamed to relate what followed, it was so unheard-of a

piece of luxury. Long-haired slave boys brought in an unguent in a

silver basin, and anointed our feet with it as we lay at table, after

first wreathing our legs and ankles with garlands. Afterwards a small

quantity of the same perfume was poured into the wine-jars and the lamps.

By this time a strong wish to dance had seized upon Fortunata, while

Scintilla's hands were going quicker in applause even than her tongue

in chatter, when Trimalchio said, "I give you my permission, Philargyrus,

and you, Cario, notorious champion though you are of the green, to take

your places at table; also bid Menophila, your bedfellow, to do the same."

To make a long story short, we were all but thrust off our couches, such

a throng of domestics now invaded the dinner- table. I actually noticed

occupying a place above my own the cook who had made a goose out of a

pig, reeking as he was with fish-pickle and sauces. Indeed he was not

satisfied with merely being present, but immediately began an imitation

of Ephesus the Tragedian, after which he offered his master a bet that

at the next races the green would score first prize.

Delighted at the challenge, Trimalchio cried, "Yes! my friends, slaves

are human beings too, and have sucked mother's milk as well as we,

though untoward circumstance has borne them down. Nevertheless,

without prejudicing me, they shall some day soon drink the water of

the free. In a word, I enfranchise them all in my will. I bequeath

into the bargain a farm and his bedfellow to Philargyrus, a street

block to Cario, besides a twentieth and a bed and bedding. I name

Fortunata my heir, and commend her to all my friends' kindness. And

all this I make public, to the end my whole household may love me now

as well as if I were dead already."

All began to express their gratitude to so kind a master, when

Trimalchio, quite dropping his trifling vein, ordered a copy of his

will to be fetched, and read it through from beginning to end amid

the groans of all members of the household. Then turning to Habinnas,

he asked him, "What say you, dear friend? are you building my monument

according to my directions? I ask you particularly that at the feet

of my effigy you have my little bitch put, and garlands and perfume

caskets and all Petraites' fights, that by your good help I may live

on even after death. The frontage is to be a hundred feet long, and

it must reach back two hundred. For I wish to have all kinds of fruit

trees growing around my ashes and plenty of vines. Surely it's a

great mistake to make houses so fine for the living, yet to give never

a thought to these where we have to dwell far, far longer. And that's

why I especially insist on the notice:

THIS MONUMENT DOES NOT DESCEND

TO THE HEIR.

But I shall take good care to provide in my will against my remains being

insulted. For I intend to put one of my freedmen in charge of my burial

place, to see that the rabble don't come running and dirtying up my

monument. I beg you to have ships under full sail carved on it, and me

sitting on the tribunal, in my Senator's robes, with five gold rings on

my fingers, and showering money from a bag among the public; for you

remember I gave a public banquet once, two denars a head. Also there

should be shown, if you approve, a banqueting-hall, and all the people

enjoying themselves pleasantly. On my right hand put a figure of my

wife, Fortunata, holding a dove and leading a little bitch on a leash,

also my little lad, and some good capacious wine-jars, stoppered so that

the wine may not escape. Also you may carve a broken urn, and a boy

weeping over it. Also a horologe in the center, so that anyone looking

to see the time must willy-nilly read my name. As for the lettering,

look this over carefully and see if you think it is good enough:

HERE LIES

C. POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO,

A SECOND MAECENAS.

HE WAS NOMINATED SEVIR

IN HIS ABSENCE.

HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MEMBER

OF EVERY DECURIA IN ROME,

BUT DECLINED.

PIOUS, BRAVE, HONORABLE,

HE ROSE FROM THE RANKS.

WITHOUT LEARNING OR EDUCATION,

HE LEFT A MILLION OF MONEY

BEHIND HIM.

FAREWELL;

GO AND DO THOU LIKEWISE!"

When he had finished reading this document, Trimalchio fell to weeping

copiously. Fortunata wept too; so did Habinnas; so did the servants; in

fact, the whole household filled the room with lamentations, for all the

world like guests at a funeral. Indeed I was beginning to weep myself,

when Trimalchio resumed. "Well!" said he, "as we know we've got to die,

why not make the most of life? As I should like to see you all happy,

let's jump into the bath. I guarantee you'll be none the worse; it's as

hot as an oven."

"Right! right!" cried Habinnas, "to make two days out of one; nothing

I should like better," and springing up barefoot as he was, he followed

Trimalchio, who led the way, clapping his hands.

For myself I said, turning to Ascyltos, "What think you, Ascyltos? as

for me, to look at a bath now would kill me."

"Let's consent," he replied; "and then, as they are making for the

bathroom, escape in the confusion."

This being agreed upon, Giton led the way through the colonnade, and

we reached the house-door, where the watchdog greeted us with such

furious barking that Ascyltos tumbled into the tank in sheer terror.

I too, tipsy as I was, and having been once already scared at a painted

dog, got dragged in myself in helping him out of the water. However

the hall-keeper rescued us, who interfered and quieted the dog, and

pulled us out shivering onto terra firma. Giton had already discovered

an ingenious way of disarming the animal; anything we had given him from

our dinner, he threw to the barking brute, whose temper was appeased

and his attention diverted by the food. But when, cold and wet, we

asked the hall-keeper to let us out, "You're much mistaken," said he,

"if you think you can go out the same way you came in. No guest is

ever dismissed by the same door; they enter one, go out by another."

So what were we poor unfortunates to do now, prisoners in this new kind

of labyrinth, and reduced to choose the bath as the only alternative?

We took the bull by the horns therefore, and asked the hall-keeper

to show us the way there; then throwing off our clothes, which Giton

proceeded to dry in the porch, we entered the bath, which we found

to be a narrow chamber, more like a cooling cistern than anything

else, with Trimalchio standing upright in it. Not even under these

circumstances could he refrain from his loathsome trick of boasting,

declaring there was nothing more agreeable than to be free of a crowd

in bathing, and that his bath-house occupied the exact site of a former

bakery. Presently, feeling tired, he sat down, and tempted by his

resonance of the bathroom, turned up his tipsy face and open mouth

to the vault, and began murdering some of Menecrates' songs, as we

were told by those who could make out the words.

The remainder of the company were running hand in hand round the edge of

the bath, laughing and shouting at the top of their voices. Others with

their hands tied behind their backs, were trying to pick up rings from

the pavement in their mouths, or kneeling down, to bend back and kiss the

points of their toes. Whilst the others were engaged in these amusements,

we got down into the bath, that was being heated for Trimalchio.

After dissipating the fumes of wine by these means, we were next

conducted to another dinner-hall, where Fortunata had laid out a

dainty banquet of her own. I noticed especially lamps suspended over

the table with miniature figures of fishermen in bronze, tables of

soled silver, cups of gilt pottery ware round the board, and wine

pouring from a wine skin before our eyes.

Presently Trimalchio said, "You see, friends, a slave of mine has cut

his first beard today, a very careful, thrifty young man, if I may say

so without offense. So let's be jovial, and keep it up till daylight

doth appear." Just as he uttered these words, a cock crew. Trimalchio,

much disquieted at the circumstance, ordered wine to be poured under

the table, and some even to be sprinkled over the lamp; moreover he

shifted a ring from his left hand to his right, saying, "'Tis not for

nothing chanticleer has sounded his note of warning; a fire is bound

to happen, or some one's going to die in the vicinity. Save us from

ill! Anyone bringing me yonder prophet of evil, shall have a present

for his pains." No sooner said than done; a cock was instantly

produced from somewhere near, which Trimalchio ordered to be killed

and put in the pot to boil. He was cut up accordingly by the same

clever cordon bleu who a while before had manufactured game and fish

out of a pig, and thrown into a stew-pan. Then whilst Daedalus kept

the pot boiling, Fortunata ground pepper in a box-wood mill.

These dainties being dispatched, Trimalchio turned to the servants,

saying, "What! haven't you had your dinners yet? be off now, and let

the relay take your places." Hereupon a second set of attendants came

in, the outgoing slaves crying, "Farewell, Gaius!" and the incoming,

"Hail, Gaius!" At this point our mirth was disturbed for the first

time; for a rather good-looking slave boy having entered along with

the new lot of domestics, Trimalchio laid hold of him and started

kissing him over and over again. At this Fortunata, to assert "her

lawful and equitable rights" (as she put it), began abusing her

husband, calling him an abomination and a disgrace, that he could

not restrain his filthy passions, ending up with the epithet "dog!"

Trimalchio for his part was so enraged at her railing that he hurled

a wine-cup in his wife's face. Fortunata screamed out, as if she had

lost an eye, and clapped her trembling hands to her countenance.

Scintilla was equally alarmed, and sheltered her shuddering friend

in her bosom. At the same time an officious attendant applied a

pitcher of cold water to her cheek, over which the poor lady drooped

and fell a-sighing and a-sobbing.

But Trimalchio went on. "What! what!" he stormed, "has the trollop no

memory? didn't I take her from the stand in the slave-market, and make

her a free woman among her equals? But there, she puffs herself out,

like the frog in the fable; she's too proud to spit in her own bosom,

the blockhead. If you are born in a hovel, you shouldn't dream of a

palace. As I hope to prosper, I'll see to it this Cassandra of the

camp is brought to reason. Why! when I was only worth twopence, I

might have married ten millions of money. You know I might. Agatho,

perfumer to the lady next door, drew me aside, and 'I'll give you a

hint,' said he; 'don't let your race die out.' But I, with my silly

good nature, and not wanting to seem fickle-minded, I've driven my ax

into my own leg. All right! I'll make you long yet to dig me up again

with your fingernails! And to show this minute the harm you've done

yourself, I forbid you, Habinnas, to put her statue on my tomb at all,

that I may not have any scolding when I'm gone. I'll teach her I can

do her a mischief; I won't have her so much as kiss my dead body!"

After this thunderclap, Habinnas began to entreat him to forget and

forgive. "Nobody," he urged, "but goes wrong sometimes; we're men

after all, not gods." Scintilla spoke to the same purpose with tears

in her eyes, and besought him in the name of his good Genius and

addressing him as Gaius, to be pacified. Trimalchio could restrain his

tears no longer, but cried, "As you hope, Habinnas, to enjoy your little

fortune,-- if I've done anything wrong, spit in my face. I kissed

the good, careful lad, not because he's a pretty boy, but because

he's so thrifty and clever. I tell you he can recite ten pieces,

reads his book at sight, has bought himself a Thracian costume out of

his daily rations, besides an armchair and a pair of cups. Does he

not deserve to be the apple of my eye? But Fortunata won't have it.

That's your pleasure, is it, you tipsy wench? I warn you, make the

most of what you've got, you cormorant; and don't make me nasty,

sweetheart, else you'll get a taste of my temper. You know me; once

I've made up my mind, I'm just as hard as nails!

"However, not to forget the living, pray, my good friends, enjoy

yourselves. I was once what you are now, but my own merits have

made me what you see. It's gumption makes a man, all the rest's

trash. 'Buy cheap, and sell dear,' that's me; one man will tell

you one thing, another another, but I'm just bursting with success.

What! crying still, grunty pig? Mark me, I'll give you something

worth crying for. But as I was saying, it was my thriftiness raised

me to my present position. When first I came from Asia, I was no

higher than this candle-stick. I tell you, I used to measure myself

by it every day; and the sooner to get a beard under my nose, I

would smear my lips with the lamp oil. But I was my master's joy

for fourteen years; there's nothing disgraceful in doing your master's

bidding. And I satisfied my mistress into the bargain. You know

what I mean; I say no more, for I'm none of your boasters.

"Eventually, it so pleased the gods, I found myself king of the

castle, and behold! I could twist my master round my finger. To

make a long story short, he made me his co-heir with the Emperor,

and I came into a senatorial fortune. Still no one is ever satisfied.

I longed to be a merchant prince. So, not to be tedious, I built

five ships, loaded up with wine,-- it was worth its weight in gold

just then,-- and sent them off to Rome. You might have supposed

I'd ordered it so! if you'll believe me, every one of the ships

foundered, and that's a fact. In one day Neptune swallowed me up

thirty millions. Do you imagine I gave in? Not I, by my faith! the

loss only whetted my appetite, as if it were a mere nothing. I

built more ships, bigger and better found and luckier, till every

one allowed I was a well-plucked one. Nothing venture, nothing win,

you know; and a big ship's a big venture. I loaded up again with

wine, bacon, beans, perfumery and slaves. Fortunata was a real good

wife to me that time; she sold all her jewelry and all her clothes,

and laid a hundred gold pieces in my hand; and it proved the leaven

of my little property. A thing's soon done, when the gods will it.

One voyage I cleared a round ten millions. Instantly I bought back

all the farms that had been my late master's; I build a house; I buy

up cattle to sell again. Whatever I touched, grew like a honeycomb.

When I discovered I had as large an income as the whole revenue of

my native land amounted to, off hands; I withdrew from commerce,

and started lending money among freedmen. Moreover, just when I'd

quite made up my mind to have no more to do with trade, an astrologer

advised me to the same course, a little Greek fellow, that happened

to come to our own town. Serapa he was called, up to all the secrets

of the gods. He told me things I had clean forgotten, explaining it

all as pat as needle and thread; he knew my inside, he could all but

tell me what I'd had for dinner the day before. You would have

thought he had lived with me all my life.

"Now tell me, Habinnas,-- you were there at the time, I think--

didn't he say: 'You have used your wealth to set a mistress over

you. You are not very lucky in your friends. No one is ever

properly grateful to you. You have enormous estates. You are

nourishing a viper beneath your wing,' and-- why should I not tell

you?-- that I have now left me to live thirty years, four months

and two days. Also I am soon to come in for another fortune. This

is what my Fate has in store for me. And if I have the luck to

extend my lands to Apulia, I shall have done pretty well in my day.

Meantime by Mercury's good help, I have built this house. You

remember it as a cottage; it's as big as a temple now. It has

four dining-rooms, twenty bedrooms, two marble porticos, a series

of storerooms up stairs, the chamber where I sleep myself, this

viper's sitting-room, an excellent porter's lodge; while the guest

chambers afford ample accommodations. In fact, when Scaurus comes

this way, there's nowhere he better likes to stop at, and he has

an ancestral mansion of his own by the seaside. Yes! and there

are plenty more fine things I'll show you directly. Take my word

for it,-- Have a penny, good for a penny; have something, and

you're thought something. So your humble servant, who was a toad

once upon a time, is a king now.

"Meantime, Stichus, just bring out the graveclothes I propose to be

buried in; also the unguent, and a taste of the wine I wish to have

my bones washed with."

Without a moment's delay, Stichus produced a white shroud and a

magistrate's gown into the dining-hall, and asked us to feel if they

were made of good wool. Then his master added with a laugh, "Mind,

Stichus, mice and moth don't get at them; else I'll have you burned

alive. I wish to be buried in all my bravery, that the whole people

may call down the blessings on my head." Immediately afterwards he

opened a pot of spikenard, and after rubbing us all with the ointment,

"I only hope," said he, "it will give me as much pleasure when I'm

dead as it does now when I'm alive." Further he ordered the wine

vessels to be filled up, telling us to "imagine you are invited

guests at my funeral feast."

The thing was getting positively sickening, when Trimalchio, now in a

state of disgusting intoxication, commanded a new diversion, a company of

horn-blowers, to be introduced; and then stretching himself out along

the edge of a couch on a pile of pillows, "Make believe I am dead,"

he ordered. "Play something fine." Then the horn-blowers struck up a

loud funeral dirge. In particular one of these undertaker's men,

the most conscientious of the lot, blew so tremendous a fanfare he

roused the whole neighborhood. Hereupon the watchman in charge of the

surrounding district, thinking Trimalchio's house was on fire, suddenly

burst open the door, and rushing in with water and axes, started the

much admired confusion usual under such circumstances. For our part,

we seized the excellent opportunity thus offered, snapped our fingers

in Agamemnon's face, and rushed away helter-skelter just as if we were

escaping from a real conflagration.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

We had never a torch to guide our wandering steps, while the silent hour

of midnight gave small hope of procuring light from chance wayfarers.

Added to this was our own intoxication and ignorance of the locality,

baffling even by daylight. After dragging our bleeding feet for the

best part of an hour over all sorts of stumbling-blocks and fragments

of projecting paving-stones, we were finally saved by Giton's ingenuity.

For being afraid even by daylight of missing his way, he had taken the

precaution the day before to make every post and pillar on the road with

chalk. The strokes he had drawn were visible on the darkest night, their

conspicuous whiteness showing wanderers the way. Though truly we were

in no less of a fix, even when we did get to our inn. For the old woman

had been swilling so long with her customers, you might have set her

afire without her knowing anything about it. And we might very likely

have passed the night on the doorstep, had not one of Trimalchio's

carriers come up, in charge of ten wagons. Accordingly, without stopping

to make any more ado, he burst in the door, and let us in by the same road.

Going to my chamber, I went to bed with my dear lad, and burning with

amorous ardor as I was after my sumptuous meal, gave myself up heart

and soul to all the delights of love.

Oh! what a night was that! how soft

The couch, ye gods! as many a time and oft

Our lips met burning in o'ermastering bliss,

And interchanged our souls in every kiss.

To mortal cares I bid farewell for aye--

So sweet I find it in thine arms to die!

But my self-congratulations were premature. For no sooner had my

enfeebled hands relaxed their tipsy hold than Ascyltos, that everlasting

contriver of mischief, drew the boy away from me in the dark and carried

him off to his own bed; and there rolling about in wanton excess with

another man's minion, the latter either not noticing the fraud or

pretending not to, he went off to sleep, enfolded in an embrace he

had no sort of right to, utterly regardless of all human justice.

So when I awoke, and feeling the bed over, found it robbed of delight,

I declare, by all that lovers hold sacred, I had half a mind to run

them both through with my sword where they lay, and make their sleep

eternal. But presently adopting safer counsels, I thumped Giton awake,

and turning a stern countenance on Ascyltos, said severely, "You have

broken faith by your dastardly conduct and sinned against our mutual

friendship; remove your things as quick as may be, and go seek another

place to be the scene of your abominations."

He made no objection to this, but after we had divided our loot with

scrupulous exactness, "Come now," said he, "let's divide the boy." I

thought this was merely a parting jest. But murderously drawing a

sword, "Never," he cried, "shall you enjoy this prey you gloat over

so selfishly. I've been slighted, and I must have my share, even if

I have to cut it off with this sword." I followed suit on my side,

and wrapping my cloak round my arm, took up a fighting posture.

In wretched trepidation at our unhappy fury the boy fell at our knees

in tears and begged and besought us not to repeat in a miserable tavern

the tragedy of the two Theban brothers, nor pollute with each other's

blood the sanctity of so noble a friendship. "But if murder must be

done," he declared, "lo! here I lay bare my throat; here strike, here

bury your points. 'Tis I should die, who have violated the sacred

bond of friendship."

At these entreaties we put up our swords. Then Ascyltos, taking the

initiative, said, "I will end this difference. Let the lad himself

follow whom he will, so that he may be perfectly free to choose his

friend and favorite."

For my part, supposing my long, long intimacy had bound the boy to me

in ties as strong as those of blood, I felt not the slightest fear, but

gladly and eagerly accepted the proposal to submit the question to this

arbitrament. Yet the instant the words were out of my mouth, without

a moment's hesitation or one look of uncertainty, he sprang up and

declared Ascyltos to be his choice.

Thunderstruck at this decision, I threw myself just as I was and unarmed

on my bed, and in my despair would certainly have laid violent hands on

myself, had I not grudged such a victory to my adversary. Off goes

Ascyltos in triumph with his prize, leaving me forlorn in a strange

place-- me who so short a while before had been his dearest comrade

and the partner in all his escapades.

Friendship's a name, expediency's mate,

The shifting symbol of the changing slate.

While Fortune's on our side, our friends stay true;

Let her once change, farewell the recreant crew!

So on the stage, one plays a father's part,

A son's, a rich man's, each with pliant art;

But when the play is ended, grave or gay,

Dropped is the mask, and truth resumes her sway.

However, I had no time to indulge my grief, but dreading lest, to

complete my misfortunes, Menelaus, the under-professor, should find

me alone at the inn, I collected my traps together, and with a sad

heart went off to hire a solitary lodging near the seashore. Shutting

myself up for three days there, my loneliness and humiliation for

ever haunting my mind, I spent my time in beating my poor breast,

and with many a deep-drawn groan, crying again and again, "Oh! why

has not the earth swallowed me? why has the sea, that drowns the

guiltless mariner, spared me? Have I escaped the law, cheated the

gallows, slain my host, that after so many proofs of spirit, I should

be lying here a beggar and a vagabond, alone and forlorn in the

inn of a paltry Greek city? And who is it has brought me to this

desolation? A stripling defiled with every lust, who on his own

freedom and enfranchisement by the prostitution of his body, whose

youthful favors were sold to the highest bidder, who was hired out

as a girl, when known to be a boy all the while. And what was the

other? One who donned on the day of puberty the woman's frock in lieu

of the manly gown, who was bent from his mother's womb on changing sex,

who was whore to a barrackful of slaves, who after playing me false

and exchanging the instrument of his lust, abandoned his old friend

and, oh! the infamy of it! like a common strumpet sold everything

in one night's vile work. Now the lovers lie twined in each other's

arms whole nights together, and it may be, as they rest exhausted

after mutual excesses, make mock of my loneliness. But they shall

not go unpunished. As I am a man, and a Roman citizen, I will avenge

the wrong they have done me in their guilty blood!"

So saying, I gird on a sword, and that bodily weakness might not

hinder my warlike intentions, recruit my strength with a copious

meal. Presently I sally forth, and stalk like a madman through

all the public colonnades. As I was prowling thus, with haggard,

ferocious looks that threatened sheer blood and slaughter, ever and

anon clapping my hand to the hilt of the weapon I had devoted to my

vengeance, a soldier observed me-- if a simple soldier indeed he

was, and not some nocturnal footpad. "Ho, there! comrade," he cried,

"what's your legion, and who's your Centurion?" I named both legion

and Centurion with confident mendacity. "Come, come," he retorted,

"do the men of your division go about the streets in Greek pumps?"

Then, my face and my agitation sufficiently betraying the imposture,

he ordered me to drop my weapon and have a care I did not get into

trouble. So despoiled and deprived of my means of vengeance, I

retrace my steps to the inn, and my resolution gradually slipping

away, I begin to feel nothing but gratitude to the footpad for his

bold interference. It never does to trust too much to foresight,

for Fortune has her own way of doing things.

Meantime I found it no easy task to overcome my thirst for revenge, and

spent half the night in anxious debate. In hopes, however, of beguiling

my melancholy and forgetting my wrongs, I rose at dawn and visited all

the different colonnades, finally entering a picture gallery,

containing admirable paintings in various styles. There I beheld

Zeuxis' handiwork, still unimpaired by the lapse of years, and scanned,

not without a certain awe, some sketches of Protogenes', that vied

with Nature herself in their truth of presentment. Then I reverently

admired the work of Apelles, of the kind the Greeks call "monochromatic";

for such was the exquisite delicacy and precision with which the figures

were outlined, you seemed to see the very soul portrayed. Here was

the eagle towering to the sky and bearing Ganymede in its talons.

There the fair Hylas, struggling in the embraces of the amorous Naiad.

Another work showed Apollo cursing his murderous hand, and bedecking

his unstrung lyre with blossoms of the new-sprung hyacinth.

Standing surrounded by these painted images of famous lovers, I

ejaculated as if in solitary self-communion, "Love, so it seems,

troubles even the gods. Jupiter could discover no fitting object

of his passion in heaven, his own domain; but though condescending

to earthly amours, yet he wronged no trusting heart. Hylas' nymph

that ravished him would have checked her ardor, had she known Hercules

would come to chide her passion. Apollo renewed the memory of his

favorite in a flower; and all these fabled lovers had their way without

a rival's interference. But I have taken to my bosom a false-hearted

friend more cruel than Lycurgus."

But lo! while I am thus complaining to the winds of heaven, there

entered the colonnade an old white-headed man, with a thought-worn

face, that seemed to promise something mysterious and out of the

common. Yet his dress was far from imposing, making it evident he

belonged to the class of men of letters, so ill-looked upon by the

rich. This man now came up to me, saying, "Sir! I am a poet, and

I trust of no mean genius, if these crowns mean anything, which I

admit unfair partiality often confers on unworthy recipients. 'Why

then,' you will ask, 'are you so poorly clad?' Just because I am

a genius; when did love of art ever make a man wealthy?

The sea-borne trafficker gains pelf untold;

The hardy soldier wins his spoil of gold;

The sycophant on Tyrian purple lies;

The base adulterer with Croesus vies.

Learning alone, in shuddering rags arrayed,

Vainly invokes th' indifferent Muses' aid!

"No doubt about it; if any man declare himself the foe of every vice, and

start boldly on the path of rectitude, in the first place the singularity

of his principles makes him odious, for who can approve habits so

different from his own? Secondly, men whose one idea is to pile up the

dollars cannot bear that others should have a nobler creed than they

live by themselves. So they spite all lovers of literature in every

possible way, to put them into their proper place-- below the money-bags."

"I cannot understand why poverty is always talent's sister," I said,

and heaved a sigh.

"You do well," returned the old man, "to deplore the lot of men of letters."

"Nay!" I replied, "that was not why I sighed; I have another and a far

heavier reason for my sorrow!"-- and immediately, following the common

propensity of mankind to pour one's private griefs into another's ear,

I told him all my misfortunes, inveighing particularly against Ascyltos'

perfidy, and ejaculating with many a groan, "Would to heaven my enemy,

the cause of my present enforced continence, had any vestige of good

feeling left to work upon; but 'tis a hardened sinner, more cunning

and astute than the basest pander."

Pleased by my frankness, the old man tried to comfort me; and in order

to divert my melancholy thoughts, told me of an amorous adventure that

had once happened to himself.

"When I went to Asia," he began, "as a paid officer in the Quaestor's

suite, I lodged with a family at Pergamus. I found my quarters

very pleasant, first on account of the convenience and elegance of

the apartments, and still more so because of the beauty of my host's

son. I devised the following method to prevent the master of the

house entertaining any suspicions of me as a seducer. Whenever the

conversation at table turned on the abuse of handsome boys, I showed

such extreme indignation and protested with such an air of austerity

and offended dignity against the violence done to my ears by filthy

talk of the sort, that I came to be regarded, especially by the mother,

as one of the greatest of moralists and philosophers. Before long I

was allowed to take the lad to the gymnasium; it was I that directed

his studies, I that guided his conduct, and guarded against any

possible debaucher of his person being admitted to the house.

"It happened on one occasion that we were sleeping in the dining-hall,

the school having closed early as it was a holiday, and our amusements

having rendered us too lazy to retire to our sleeping-chambers.

Somewhere about midnight I noticed that the lad was awake; so

whispering soft and low, I murmured a timid prayer in these words,

'Lady Venus, if I may kiss this boy, so that he know it not, tomorrow

I will present him with a pair of doves.' Hearing the price offered

for the gratification, the boy set up a snore. So approaching him,

where he lay still making pretense to be asleep, I stole two or three

flying kisses. Satisfied with this beginning, I rose betimes next

morning, and discharged my vow by bringing the eager lad a choice and

costly pair of doves.

"The following night, the same opportunity occurring, I changed my

petition, 'If I may pass a naughty hand over this boy, and he not

feel it, I will present him for his complaisance with a brace of the

best fighting cocks ever seen.' At this promise the child came

nestling up to me of his own accord and was actually afraid, I think,

lest I might drop asleep again. I soon quieted his uneasiness on

this point, and amply satisfied my longings, short of the supreme

bliss, on every part of his beautiful body. Then when daylight came,

I made him happy with the gift I had promised him.

"As soon as the third night left me free to try again, I rose as

before, and creeping up to the rascal, who was lying awake expecting

me, whispered at his ear, 'If only, ye Immortal Gods, I may win of this

sleeping darling full and happy satisfaction of my love, for such bliss

I will tomorrow present the lad with an Asturian of the Macedonian

strain, the best to be had for money, but always on the condition he

shall not feel my violence.' Never did the stripling sleep more sound.

So first I handled his plump and snowy bosoms, then kissed him on the

mouth, and finally concentrated all my ardors in one supreme delight.

Next morning he sat still in his room, expecting my present as usual.

Well! you know as well as I do, it is a much easier matter to buy

doves and fighting cocks than an Asturian; besides which, I was afraid

so valuable a present might rouse suspicion as to the real motives of

my liberality. After walking about for an hour or so, I returned to

the house, and gave the boy a kiss-- and nothing else. He looked

about inquiringly, then threw his arms round my neck, and 'Please,

sir!' he said, 'where is my Asturian?'

"'It is hard,' I replied, 'to get one fine enough. You will have to

wait a few days for me to fulfill my vow.'

"The boy had wits enough to see through my answer, and his resentment

was betrayed by the angry look that crossed his face.

"Although by this breach of faith I had closed against myself the

door of access so carefully contrived, I returned once more to the

attack. For, after allowing a few days to elapse, one night when

similar circumstances had created just another opportunity for us

as before, I began, the moment I heard the father snoring, to beg

and pray the boy to be friends with me again,-- that is, to let me

give him pleasure for pleasure, adding all the arguments my burning

concupiscence could suggest. But he was positively angry and refused

to say one word beyond, 'Go to sleep, or I will tell my father.' But

there is never an obstacle so difficult audacity will not vanquish

it. He was still repeating, 'I will wake my father,' when I slipped

into his bed and took my pleasure of him in spite of his half-hearted

resistance. However, he found a certain pleasure in my naughty ways,

for after a long string of complaints about my having cheated and

cajoled him and made him the laughing-stock of his school-fellows,

to whom he had boasted of his rich friend, he whispered, 'Still I

won't be so unkind as you; if you like, do it again.'

"So forgetting all our differences, I was reconciled to the dear lad

once more, and after utilizing his kind permission, I slipped off to

sleep in his arms. But the stripling was not satisfied with only one

repetition, all ripe for love as he was and just at the time of life

for passive enjoyment. So he woke me up from my slumbers, and,

'Anything you'd like, eh?' said he. Nor was I, so far, indisposed

to accept his offer. So working him the best ever I could, to the

accompaniment of much panting and perspiration, I gave him what he

wanted, and then dropped asleep again, worn out with pleasure. Less

than an hour had passed before he started pinching me and asking,

'Eh! why are we not at work?' Hereupon, sick to death of being so

often disturbed, I flew into a regular rage, and retorted his own

words upon him; 'Go to sleep,' I cried, 'or I'll tell your father!'"

Enlivened by this discourse, I now began to question my companion,

who was better informed on these points than myself, as to the dates

of the different pictures and the subjects of some that baffled me.

At the same time I asked him the reason for the supineness of the

present day and the utter decay of the highest branches of art, and

amongst the rest of painting, which now showed not the smallest

vestige of its former excellence.

"It is greed of money," he replied, "has wrought the change. In early

days, when plain worth was still esteemed, the liberal arts flourished,

and the chief object of men's emulation was to ensure no discovery

likely to benefit future ages long remaining undeveloped. To this end

Democritus extracted the juices of every herb, and spent his life in

experimenting, that no virtue of mineral or plant might escape detection.

In a similar way Eudoxus grew gray on the summit of a lofty mountain,

observing the motions of the stars and firmament, while Chrysippus

thrice purged his brain with hellebore, to stimulate its capacity and

inventiveness. But to consider the sculptors only,-- Lysippus was so

absorbed in the modeling of a single figure that he actually perished

from lack of food, and Myron, who came near embodying the very souls

of men and beasts in bronze, died too poor to find an heir.

"But we, engrossed with wine and women, have not the spirit to

appreciate the arts already discovered; we can only criticize Antiquity,

and devote all our energies, in precept and practice, to the faults of

the old masters. What is become of Dialectic? of Astronomy? of Philosophy,

that richly cultivated domain? Who nowadays has ever been known to enter

a temple and engage to pay a vow, if only he may attain unto Eloquence,

or find the fountain of wisdom? Not even do sound intellect and sound

health any longer form the objects of men's prayers, but before ever

they set food on the threshold of the Capitol, they promise lavish

offerings, one if he may bury a wealthy relative, another if he may

unearth a treasure, another if only he may live to reach his thirty

million. The very Senate, the ensample of all that is right and good,

is in the habit of promising a thousand pounds of gold to Capitoline

Jove, and that no man may be ashamed of the lust of pelf, bribes the

very God of Heaven. What wonder then if Painting is in decay, when all,

gods and men alike, find a big lump of gold a fairer sight than anything

those crack-brained Greek fellows, Apelles and Phidias, ever wrought.

"But there! I see your attention is riveted on that picture representing

the capture of Troy; so I will endeavor to expound the theme in a copy

of verses:

"Still the tenth summer saw the Phrygian host

A prey to doubt and fear, and Calchas' faith

Wavering and weak in spite of oracles,

When at Apollo's word, the wooded heights

Of topmost Ida lent their tallest trees

To shape the framework of a monstrous horse.

Within, a vasty cave and secret halls,

Capacious of an army, hold the flower

Of all the Greeks, by ten years' strife enraged;

Their own thank-offering hides th' avenging crew!

Oh! my unhappy country! now we dreamed

A thousand ships were scattered, and our land

Freed from the foe. So ran the lying words

Writ on the horse's flank, and so the tale

Of Sinon's wheedling tongue and traitor's heart.

Now through the gates, glad to be free at last,

The shouting Trojans hailed the pledge of peace,

While tears relieve the tension of their joy.

But terror checked their triumph; lo! the priest

Of Neptune, wise Laocoon, his locks unbound,

With cries of warning stays the eager crowd!

His brandished spear he hurled, but foiled by fate,

The blow falls harmless, and the sight renews

Their ill-starred confidence in Grecian guile.

Yet once again he summons all his strength,

And drives his ax deep in the monster's side.

Th' imprisoned warriors' groan resounds, and fills

The wooden hull with terror not its own.

In vain! the captives ride to capture Troy,

And end the tedious war by fraud, not force.

Another marvel! where above the deep

Tower the sheer cliffs of Tenedos, the surge

Is lashed to foam, and a fierce roaring breaks

The silence of the seas, as on a quiet night

The sound of pulsing oars is borne to land,

When fleets are passing on the distant main.

We turn our gaze; and there with rolling coils

Two water-snakes are sweeping toward the shore;

Their flanks, like lofty ships, throw back the foam,

They lash the main, their crests that ride the waves

Gleam fiery like their eyes, whose lightning flash

Kindles the deep, the billows hiss and roar.

All stare aghast. Behold, like priests attired

In Phrygian robes, there stand Laocoon's sons,

Twin pledges of his love, whom in their folds

The fiery snakes entwine. Each lifts his hands,

His childish hands, to guard,-- alas! in vain,--

His brother's head; from love's unselfishness

Remorseless death a sharper anguish wins.

Their sire, too weak to save them, shares their fate.

Gorged with fresh blood, the monsters drag him

down;

Weltering in gore at his own altar's side

The priest a victim dies, in agony

Beating the ground. Thus from polluted shrines

The gods of fated Troy were driven away.

The rising Moon her beam had just displayed,

Kindling her radiant torch amid the stars,

When the impatient Greeks unbar the doors;

And forth on Troy, by sleep and wine betrayed,

The steel-clad warriors rush, as from the yoke

Just loosed, a gallant steed of Thessaly

Darts o'er the course tossing his eager mane.

They draw their flashing blades and wave their

shields

And 'havoc!' cry. One stabs the sleeping sot

With wine oppressed, one from the altar flames

Snatches a burning brand and fires the town,--

And Troy's own temples arm her foemen's hands."

Sundry of the public who were strolling in the colonnades now proceeded

to pelt the aged reciter with stones. But Eumolpus, who was familiar

with the sort of applause his talents usually met with, merely covered

up his head and bolted from the Temple. I was afraid he would claim

me as a poet. So I started off in pursuit of the fugitive, and came

up with him on the seashore. There we halted, directly we were out

of range of the missiles, and I asked him, "Now what do you mean by

this confounded malady of yours? I have not been a couple of hours

in your company, and you've talked oftener like a mad poet than a

sensible man. I don't wonder the populace pelts you. I am going to

fill my pockets with stones, and every time I see your wits going, I

shall bleed you in the head."

At this he changed countenance, and "Oh! my young friend," he said,

"today is by no means my first essay; every time I've entered a theater

to recite some trifle, the audience invariably welcomes me with this

kind of treat. However as I am far from wishing to quarrel with you,

I undertake a whole day's fast from poetry."

"Very well, then," said I; "if you'll abjure your crankiness for today,

we'll dine together." So saying, I commissioned the housekeeper at my

humble rooms to make preparations for our humble meal, and we went off

straight to the Baths.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Arrived at the Baths, I catch sight of Giton laden with towels and

scrapers, leaning against a wall and wearing a look of melancholy

embarrassment on his face. You could easily see he was an unwilling

servant; and indeed, to show my eyes had not deceived me, he now turned

upon me a countenance beaming with pleasure, saying, "Oh! have pity on

me, brother! there are no weapons to fear here, so I can speak freely.

Save me, save me, from the murderous ruffian; and then lay upon your

judge, now your penitent, any punishment you please, no matter how

severe. It will be comfort enough for me in my misery to have perished

by your good pleasure."

I bad him hush his complaints, that no one might surprise our plans,

and leaving Eumolpus to his own devices,-- he was engaged reciting

a poem to his fellow bathers-- I dragged Giton down a dark and dirty

passage, and so hurried him away to my lodging. Then after bolting

the door, I threw my arms round his neck, pressing my lips convulsively

to his tear-stained face. It was long before either of us could find

his voice; for my darling's bosom was quivering like my own with

quick-coming sobs. "I am ashamed of my criminal weakness," I cried,

"but I love you still, though you did forsake me, and the wound that

pierced my heart has left not a scar behind. What can you say to

excuse your surrender to another? Did I deserve so base a wrong?"

Seeing he was still loved, he put on a less downcast look:

To chide, to love,-- how make these two agree?

The task beyond e'en Hercules would be.

Let Love appear, all angry passions cease.

"Yet," I could not help adding, "I never meant to refer the choice of

whom you should love to any third person; but there! all is forgiven

and forgotten, if only you show yourself sincerely penitent." My words

were interspersed with groans and tears; when I had done, the dear boy

dried my cheeks with his mantle, saying, "I beg you, Encolpius, let me

appeal to your own recollection of the circumstances. Did I desert

you, or did you throw me over? I am ready to confess, and it is my

best excuse, when I saw you both sword in hand, I fled for safety to

the stronger fighter." Kissing the bosom so full of wise prudence, I

threw my arms round his neck, and to let him see he was restored to

favor once more, and that my affection and confidence were as strong

as ever, I pressed him closely to my heart.

It was quite dark and the woman had completed my orders for dinner

when Eumolpus knocked at the door. I called out "How many of you are

there?" and immediately proceeded to spy through a chink in the door

to see whether Ascyltos had not come too. But seeing my guest was

alone, I at once hastened to let him in. He threw himself on my pallet,

and directly he observed Giton moving about in attendance he wagged

his head and remarked, "I like your Ganymede; we shall have a good

time today." I was anything but pleased with this indiscreet beginning,

and began to fear I had opened my doors to another Ascyltos. Eumolpus

grew more and more pressing, and on the lad's serving him with wine, "I

like you better," he said, "than any of them at the Baths;" and draining

his cup thirstily, added he had never been more vexed in his life.

"I tell you, at the Bath just now, I came very near getting a beating,

merely because I tried to repeat a copy of verses to the bathers

sitting around the basin. It was just like the Theater-- I was

turned out of the place. Then I started to look for you in every

corner of the building, shouting Encolpius! Encolpius! at the top

of my voice. Not far off was a naked youth, who had lost his clothes,

and roaring with just the same clamorous indignation after Giton. For

me, I was treated like a madman by the very slave lads, who mocked and

mimicked me most insolently; he on the contrary was soon surrounded by

a thronging multitude, clapping their hands and showing the most

awe-struck admiration. The fact is, he possessed virile parts of

such enormous mass and weight, the man really seemed only an appendage

of his own member. Oh! an indefatigable worker! I warrant, the sort

to begin yesterday, and finish tomorrow! Accordingly he soon found

a way out of his difficulties; a bystander, a Roman knight, they said,

of notorious character, wrapped his own cloak round the poor wanderer,

and took him home with him, in order, I imagine, to have the sole

enjoyment of so rich a windfall. But I should never have recovered

so much as my own clothes from the Bathkeeper, had I not produced

some one to vouch for me. So much better does it profit a man to

train his member than his mind!"

During Eumolpus's narrative I changed countenance repeatedly, now

jubilant at my hated rival's misfortunes, now saddened by his success.

I held my tongue, however, pretending to know nothing of the matter, and

set to work arranging the dinner table. I had hardly finished this,

when our humble repast was brought in; the fare was homely, but succulent

and substantial, and Eumolpus, our famished scholar, fell to with a

will, extolling the simplicity of the viands in the following lines:

All things that may our simple wants assuage

Kind heaven bestows to ease our hunger's rage;

Wild herbs and berries from the woodland spray

Suffice the craving appetite to stay.

What man would thirst beside a stream, or stand

To front the wintry blast with fire at hand?

The law is armed to guard the marriage bed,

The chaste bride blameless yields her maidenhead.

Whate'er is needful, bounteous Nature gives;

Pride only in unbridled riot lives!

After satisfying his appetite, our philosopher began to moralize,

indulging in many criticisms of such as despise familiar things and

attach value only to what is rich and rare. To their perverted taste

anything that is allowable is held cheap, while they display a morbid

predilection for forbidden luxuries.

Facile success, a rose without a thorn,

An instant victory, are things I scorn.

The Phasian bird from distant Colchis brought

And Afric fowl! are dainties ever sought,

For these are rarities; not so the goose

And bright-plumed duck, fit but for vulgar use.

The costly scar, choice fish from Syrtes' shore,

That cost poor fishers' lives, these all adore;

The mullet's out of date. The modern man

Deserts his wife to woo the courtesan;

The rose yields place to cinnamon. For naught

Is held of worth that is not dearly bought.

"Is this the way," I cried, "you keep your promise of making no more

poetry today? On your conscience, spare us at least, who have never

thrown a stone at you. Once let any one of the company drinking under

the same roof with us scent out your poetship, he will rouse the whole

neighborhood and overwhelm us all in the same ruin. Have some pity on

your friends, and remember the picture gallery and the baths." But

Giton, who was all gentleness, remonstrated with me for speaking so,

and declared I was doing ill thus to jeer at my elders. He said I

was forgetting my duty as a host, and after inviting a man to my table

out of compassion, was nullifying the obligation by then insulting him.

Other remarks follow, all equally imbued with moderation and good sense,

and coming with added grace from so beautiful a mouth.

"Happy the mother of such a son!" exclaimed Eumolpus. "Go on, good

youth, and prosper! Rare indeed is such a combination of wisdom and

beauty. Never think all your words have been wasted; you have won

a lover! I, I will extol your praises in my verse. I will be your

preceptor and your guardian, your companion everywhere, even when

unbidden. Nor has Encolpius anything to complain of, who loves

another." The speaker had much to be thankful for to the soldier

who had taken away my sword; otherwise the wrath I had conceived

against Ascyltos would surely have been wreaked on Eumolpus's head.

Giton saw what was toward, and slipped out of the room, as if to

fetch water; and his judicious departure abated the extreme heat of

my indignation. My anger cooled a little, and I told Eumolpus, "Sir!

I would rather have you talking poetry than entertaining such hopes

as these. I am a passionate man, and you a lecherous; our characters,

look you, can never accord together. Suppose me stark mad; humor my

frenzy,-- in other words, leave the house without a moment's delay."

Confounded at this outburst, Eumolpus never stopped to ask my reasons,

but instantly left the room, drew the door to after him, and locked

me in, to my intense surprise. He carried off the key with him, and

hurried away at a run in search of Giton.

Finding myself a prisoner, I resolved to hang myself and so end my

miseries. I had already attached my girdle to the framework of a

bed which stood against the wall, and was just fitting the noose

round my neck, when the doors were flung open again, and Eumolpus

coming in with Giton recalled me to the light of life from the

fatal bourne I had so nearly passed. Giton especially, his agony

turning to rage and fury, uttered a piercing shriek, and pushing me

down headlong on the bed with both hands, "You deceive yourself,

Encolpius," he cried, "if you think you can contrive to die before

me. I was first; I have already been to Ascyltos's lodging to look

for a sword. Had I not found you, I was going to hurl myself over

a precipice. Now, to show you Death is never far from those who

seek him, behold in your turn the sight you intended me to witness."

With these words he snatches a razor from Eumolpus's hired servant, and

drawing it once and again across his throat, tumbles down at our feet.

Uttering a cry of horror, I fall on the floor beside him, and seek to

take my own life with the same weapon. But neither did Giton exhibit

the smallest sign of a wound, nor did I myself feel any pain. The fact

is, the razor had no edge, coming from a case of razors purposely blunted,

with the object of training barbers' apprentices to a proper confidence

in the exercise of their craft; and that was why the servant from whom

he snatched the instrument had expressed no sort of consternation, nor

had Eumolpus made an effort to hinder the mimic tragedy.

In the midst of this lovers' fooling, the landlord enters with another

course of the dinner, and staring hard at us where we lay sprawling

disgracefully on the floor, "Are you all drunk," he asked, "or runaways,

or both? Now who put up that bed against the wall like that? and what

do all these underhanded proceedings mean? By great Hercules, you

intended, you scamps, to levant in the night, and get out of paying

the rent for your room. Not so fast, I say. I'll let you know it's

no poor widow woman's the owner of the block, but Marcus Mannicius."

"You threaten, do you," shouts Eumolpus, and fetches the man a good

sharp slap in the face. The latter hurled at his head an earthenware jar,

emptied by a succession of thirsty guests, cut open his noisy adversary's

forehead, and darted out of the room. Furious at the indignity,

Eumolpus snatches up a wooden candlestick, pursues the fugitive,

and revenges his injury with a shower of blows. The whole household

comes crowding to the scene of action, together with a mob of drunken

customers. Now was my opportunity for retaliation; so I turn the

tables on Eumolpus by shutting the blackguard out, and find myself

without a rival and free to do as I please with my room and my night.

Meanwhile the unfortunate Eumolpus, being locked out, is assaulted by

the scullions and miscellaneous tenants of the block. One threatens

his eyes with a spit loaded with hissing-hot guts; another snatches

a flesh-hook from the kitchen hearth and assumes a fighting attitude.

First and foremost, an old hag with sore eyes and a most filthy apron,

and mounted on wooden clogs (an odd pair) hauls in a huge dog on a

chain, and sets him at Eumolpus, who however made a gallant defense

against all assailants with his candlestick. All this we saw through

a hole in the door, just made by the wrenching off of the handle of

the wicket, and for my own part I wished him joy of his beating.

Giton on the contrary, with his usual tender-heartedness, was for

opening the door and rescuing him from his perilous position. My

resentment being still hot within me, I could not hold my hand, but

favored the poet's sympathizer with a good smart box on the side of

the head, at which he went and sat down crying on the bed. For

myself, I put first one eye, then the other, to the opening, and

was regaling myself with the sight of Eumolpus's sorry plight and

mentally patting his assailants on the back, when Bargates, the agent

of the block, who had been called away from his dinner, was borne into

the heart of the skirmish by a couple of chairmen, for he was disabled

by the gout. After a long harangue against drunkards and runaways,

uttered in a savage tone and barbarous accent, he said, turning upon

Eumolpus, "My prince of poets, you here? and these ruffianly slaves

don't fly at once and stop their brawling!" Then putting his lips

to Eumolpus's ear, "My bedfellow," he went on, in a more subdued

tone, "is a scornful jade; so if you love me, blackguard her in verse,

will you, to make her feel ashamed of herself."

Whilst Eumolpus was talking apart with Bargates, a crier attended by

a public slave and a small crowd of curious persons besides, entered

the inn, and brandishing a torch that gave more smoke than light, read

out the follow public notice:

"Lost or strayed lately in the Baths, a boy,-- aged sixteen,

curly-headed, a minion by trade, good-looking, Giton by name.

Whoever will bring back the same or give information of his present

whereabouts, will receive a thousand sesterces reward."

Not far from the herald stood Ascyltos in a particolored robe,

exhibiting description, and voucher for the sum promised, on a

silver platter. I told Giton to dash under the bed and twist his

hands and feet into the cords by which the mattress was supported

on the framework, so that stretched full length underneath, like

Ulysses of old clinging under the ram's belly, he might escape any

prying hands. Giton promptly obeyed, and in another instant had

cleverly twisted his fingers in the attachments, and beaten the wily

Ulysses at his own game. For my part, so as to leave no room for

suspicion, I heaped the pallet with clothes and shaped an impression

amongst them of a single sleeper, and that a man of my own size.

Meantime Ascyltos, visiting each room in succession with the apparitor,

arrived at mine, where his hopes of success rose the higher on finding

the door so carefully barred. But the public slave, inserting his ax

in the crack of the door, broke the hold of the fastenings. Thereupon

I threw myself at Ascyltos' feet and implored him by the memory of our

former friendship and our companionship in misfortune at any rate to

let me see Giton. Nay! more, to give color to my pretended supplication,

"I am well aware, Ascyltos," I cried, "that you have come to murder

me; why else have you brought these axes with you? Take your revenge

then; see, I offer my neck, so shed my life's blood, which you are

seeking under pretense of searching my room."

Ascyltos protested indignantly against the imputation, asseverating

he was there only to look for his runaway favorite; he desired, he

said, no man's, certainly no suppliant's death, and least of all that

of a man whom, even after our fatal quarrel, he still thought of as

his dearest friend.

Nor was the public slave idle meanwhile, but snatching a cane from

the innkeeper, he thrusts it under the bed, and even investigates

every cranny in the walls. Giton kept shirking away from the stick,

and holding his breath in abject terror, squeezed closer and closer,

till the bugs were tickling his very nose.

Scarcely had the men left the room when Eumolpus, for the shattered

door could keep no one out, dashes in in great excitement, shouting,

"The thousand sesterces are mine; I shall now run after the officer

and denounce you, as you richly deserve, and inform him Giton is in

your hands at the present moment." I embrace the poet's knees but he

remains obdurate; I beseech him not to kill the dying; I tell him, "Your

resolution would have some sense in it, if you could produce the missing

boy, but he has disappeared in the crowd, and I cannot so much as guess

where he is gone to. In heaven's name, Eumolpus, bring the lad back

and restore him to his friends,-- to Ascyltos, if it must be so."

He was just beginning to credit my plausible story when Giton, all

but smothered and choking for breath, give three loud sneezes one

after the other, so that the bed positively shook. Eumolpus wheeled

round at the commotion, exclaiming, "Giton, God bless you!" Then

lifting the mattress away, he reveals Ulysses in such a plight even

a half-starving Cyclops might well have spared him! Next turning to

me, "What is the meaning of all this, you thief?" said he. "What!

even when found out, you had not spirit enough to tell the truth.

In fact, if some God that governs human affairs had not made the boy

betray where he hung concealed, I should have been sent wandering

from tavern to tavern on a wild goose chase."

Giton, a far better wheedler than myself, first stanched the wound

in the poor man's forehead with some cobwebs dipped in oil; then

exchanged his own little cloak for the other's torn robe, and seeing

him somewhat mollified, kissed his bruises to make them well, crying,

"We are in your keeping, in your hands, dearest father! If you love

your Giton, try, oh! try to save him. I would the consuming fire

might scorch me to ashes, the raging waters overwhelm me, and me

alone! For 'tis I am the subject, I the cause, of all these wicked

doings! My death would reconcile two enemies."

Touched by our troubles, and above all stirred by Giton's blandishments,

Eumolpus exclaimed, "Fools, fools; gifted as you are with qualities to

ensure your happiness, you persist in leading a life of wretchedness,

and every day by your own acts draw down fresh torments on your heads.

My plan of life has always been, so to spend each day as if it were

my last, that is in peace and quietness; if you would follow my example,

dismiss all anxious thoughts from your minds. Ascyltos persecutes you

here; then fly his neighborhood, and come with me on a voyage I am

about to make to foreign parts. I sail as a passenger in a vessel

that may very likely weigh this very night; I am well known on board,

and we shall be sure of a hearty welcome."

His advice appeared to me sound and good, as it was likely to free

me from further annoyance on the part of Ascyltos, and at the same

time gave promise of a happier existence. Overwhelmed by Eumolpus's

generosity, I felt profoundly sorry for the insults I had just been

offering him and very penitent for my jealousy, which had given rise

to so many calamities. With floods of tears I begged and prayed him

to include me too in his forgiveness, pointing out that it was beyond

the power of lovers to control their frenzies of jealousy. I pledged

myself for the future to do or say nothing whatever that could give

him offense, and urged him to banish all irritation from his mind,

as a learned and educated man should, so that not a trace of injury

should remain. "On rugged and uncultivated ground," I went on, "the

snow lies long, but where the soil has been disciplined and improved

by the plow, the light snowfall melts away before you can say it

has fallen. It is the same with resentment in men's hearts; it

abides long in uncultured minds, but melts quickly from the surface

of such as have been trained and educated." "To prove the truth of

what you say," returned Eumolpus, "I hereby end my anger with this

kiss. So in luck's name, pack up your traps and follow me, or if

you so prefer, lead the way yourselves."

The words were still on his lips when the door flew open with a crash,

and a rough-bearded sailor appeared on the threshold, who shouted,

"You're all behind, Eumolpus; don't you know the Blue Peter's flying?"

In an instant we were all afoot. Eumolpus wakes his servant, who

had long ago dropped asleep, and orders him off with his baggage.

Giton and I pack up all our belongings for the journey, and after

a prayer to the stars, make our way on board.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

We chose out a retired spot on the stern-deck, and as it was not even yet

daylight, Eumolpus dozed off; but neither Giton nor myself could get a

single wink of sleep. I reflected with anxiety on the fact that I had

made a companion of Eumolpus, a still more redoubtable rival than Ascyltos,

and the thought gave me no peace. But reason presently getting the better

of my chagrin, "It is certainly unfortunate," I said to myself, "that our

friend finds the boy so much to his liking; but then are not all Nature's

finest productions common to all mankind? The sun shines on the just and

on the unjust. The moon, with her countless train of attendant stars,

lights the very beasts of the wilderness to their prey. What can be more

beautiful than water? Yet it flows freely for all and sundry. Is Love

alone to be furtively snatched and not won in the open field? Nay! for my

own part, I would rather not have any good thing that all the world may not

covet. One rival, and that an old man, will hardly do me much harm; even

should he wish to presume, he will but lose his labor, for want of breath."

Reassured by the unlikelihood of his success, I calmed my anxieties, and

wrapping my head in my cloak, tried to persuade myself I was asleep. But

all of a sudden, as if Fortune were resolved to destroy my composure,

a lamentable voice sounded on the poop-deck, crying, "What! has he fooled

me then?" It was a man's voice, and one not unfamiliar to my ears, and

my heart began to beat wildly. Nor was this all; for now a woman, equally

indignant, blazed out in an even fiercer tone, "If only some god would

put Giton in my power, what a welcome I would give the vagabond!" Stunned

by the unexpectedness of the words, we both turned pale as death. I was

particularly terrified, and felt as if I were being tortured by a horrible

nightmare. When I found my voice at last, I asked Eumolpus, who was

just dropping off to sleep, plucking at the skirt of his tunic with

trembling hands, "By all you deem holy, father, whose ship is this?

and who are aboard her? tell me that."

He was furious at being disturbed. "So this was the reason," he grumbled,

"you chose out the quietest nook on the deck for us to occupy, that you

might not allow us one moment's rest? What the better are you, when

I've told you Lichas a Tarentine commands the ship, and that Tryphaena is

his passenger to Tarentum?" I shuddered horror-struck at this thunderclap,

and baring my throat, "Oh! Destiny," I ejaculated, "now truly is your

triumph complete!" Giton for his part fell in a dead faint on my bosom.

Presently, when a copious sweat had relieved the tension of our spirits,

I grasped Eumolpus round the knees, and cried, "Have pity on two dying

wretches, and in the name of what we both hold dear, end our life; death

draws nigh, and unless you refuse to deal it, will haply be a boon."

Overwhelmed by my odious suspicion, Eumolpus swore by gods and goddesses

he knew nothing whatever of what had happened, and had never entertained

a thought of treachery; but that in absolute innocence of heart and simple

good faith he had led his comrades aboard the ship he had long ago chosen

for his own conveyance overseas. "Come now, what plot is there afoot?"

he demanded; "what Hannibal have we on board with us? Lichas of Tarentum,

a most respectable man, and not merely owner of this vessel, which he

commands himself, but of sundry landed estates besides and a house of

commerce, is carrying a cargo to sell in the way of business. So this

is the Cyclops, the pirate king, we owe our passage-money to; then

besides him, there is Tryphaena, the fairest of fair women, who is

sailing from port to port on pleasure bent."

"Why! these," retorted Giton, "are the very persons we wish to avoid,"

and gave the amazed Eumolpus a short account of the reasons for their

hostility and the extremity of the risk we ran. So confounded was he

at the news, he knew not what advice to offer, but besought each of us

to say what he thought. "Imagine us entrapped," he went on, "in the

Cyclops' cave; some means or other of escape must be discovered, unless

we prefer a leap overboard and a sudden end to all our troubles."

"Better," interposed Giton, "persuade the pilot to steer the ship into

some harbor, of course making it worth his while, and tell him your brother

is so subject to seasickness he is at death's door. You can easily color

this excuse with woebegone looks and streaming tears, so that the officer

may grant you the favor out of sheer compassion." But Eumolpus at once

declared this scheme to be impracticable; "for big ships," he pointed

out, "require to be laboriously warped into landlocked harbors; besides,

how utterly improbable it will sound that the boy should have come to

such a desperate pass so quickly as all this. Another point. Most

likely Lichas will want to visit a sick passenger as a mark of civility.

How singularly pleasant for us, look you, to have the captain, whom

we particularly wish to avoid, coming to see us of his own motion!

But again, granted the vessel could be turned from her main course,

and that Lichas should never think of inspecting the sick boy, how

are we to get off the ship without every soul on board seeing us? With

faces muffled, or faces bare? If muffled, who but will spring forward

to help the poor patients ashore? If bare, what does this amount to

but simply giving ourselves away?"

"Nay! why not," I interposed, "make a bold stroke, slip down a rope into

the ship's boat and cutting the painter leave the rest to Fortune? Not

that I expect Eumolpus to join in the venture; why should we involve an

innocent man in troubles that in no way concern him? Enough for me if

good luck attend us two on our descent into the boat." "Not at all a

bad idea," said Eumolpus, "if only it were feasible; but who could help

noticing your attempt,-- first and foremost the pilot, who is on watch

all night, observing every motion of the stars? Possibly you might elude

his vigilance during an instant's sleepiness, if escape were practicable

by any other part of the vessel; but as things are, you are bound to

escape by the stern, past the very helm, for that is where the rope

is made fast that secures the boat. Besides, I wonder this never

occurred to you, Encolpius, that one of the crew is on watch in the

boat night and day, a sentinel you cannot get rid of, except by killing

the man or pitching him neck and crop overboard. As to the feasibility

of this, well! consult your own courage. About my accompanying you

myself, I shirk no danger that gives the faintest hope of success.

But to throw away one's life as a thing of no importance is, I am

sure, what you do not approve of.

"Now consider how you like this plan; I will clap you in a couple of

hides, cording you up among my clothes as part of my luggage, of course

leaving sufficient openings for you to breathe and eat through. Then

I will raise an outcry to the effect that my slaves have both jumped

overboard, because they were afraid of a more terrible punishment.

So when we get into port, I will convey you ashore as baggage without

exciting any suspicion whatever."

"Oh! you would pack us up in bales, as if we were solid inside, eh?-- and

not liable to evacuations at all? as if we never sneezed or snored? The

same sort of trick turned out such a success once before, didn't it?

Granted we could endure the bondage for a day, what if a calm or a

contrary gale prolonged the time further? what would become of us then?

Why! even clothes, if kept too long tightly packed, cut at the folds,

and papers grow illegible, when tied up in bundles. Young and unused

to hardship, how shall we endure swathing bands and ligaments, like graven

images? We must find some better way of escape than this. Listen to what

I have hit on. Eumolpus, as a man of letters, of course carries ink about

him; let us black ourselves with it from head to foot. Then as Ethiopian

slaves we shall be at your service, light-hearted and free from fear of

consequences, besting our enemies by this change of complexion."

"Why certainly," cried Giton, "circumcise us too, that we may pass for

Jews, and bore our ears to imitate Arabs, and chalk our faces that Gaul

may claim us as her sons! As if a change of color could modify the

whole appearance; why! a host of alterations must be united to make the

illusion convincing. Grant our dyed faces would keep their black;

suppose no touch of water to make the color run, no blot of ink to stick

to our clothes, an accident that will often happen even when no mucilage

is added; pray, can we give ourselves the hideous swollen lips of the

African? can we transform our hair to wool with curling-tongs? can we scar

our brows with rows of ugly wrinkles? render ourselves bow-legged and

flat-footed? give our beards that outlandish look? A dye may disfigure

the person, it cannot change it. Now hear a desperate man's remedy; let

us wind our clothes around our heads, and plunge into the deep."

"Gods and men forbid," cried Eumolpus, "you should end your days in so base

a fashion. Better, far better, do as I advise. My servant, as the razor

incident showed you, is a barber; let him instantly shave you both,-- not

heads only but eyebrows as well. I will second his efforts, marking your

foreheads with writing, so cleverly executed you will have all the look

of a pair of branded slaves. My lettering will at one and the same time

divert the suspicions of your pursuers, and under the guise of a degrading

punishment, conceal your real features."

This plan was approved, and our metamorphosis effected without delay. We

stole to the side of the ship, and submitted our heads and eyebrows too to

the barber's tender mercies. Eumolpus then proceeded to cover both our

foreheads with enormous capital letters, and with a liberal hand sprawl

the well-known sign of runaways all over our faces. It so happened that

one of the passengers, who was leaning over the side unburdening his

seasick stomach, privately noted the barber busied with this unseasonable

moonlight work, and with a curse at the sinister omen of an act so nearly

resembling the last despairing vow of shipwrecked mariners, hurried back

to his berth. Feigning indifference to the sufferer's imprecation, we fell

into the same melancholy train of thought as before, and settling down in

silence, spent the remaining hours of darkness in an uneasy doze.

Next day, directly Eumolpus learned Tryphaena was risen, he entered

Lichas's cabin; here, after some conversation about the prosperous voyage

promised by the fine weather, Lichas remarked, turning towards Tryphaena,

"Priapus appeared to me in a dream last night, and said, 'Encolpius, the

man you are in search of, I hereby tell you, has by me been brought on

board your ship.'" Tryphaena started violently; "You might think we had

slept together," she exclaimed; "for I too saw a vision, that image of

Neptune I noticed in the Temple Court at Baiae, telling me, 'You will

find Giton on Lichas's ship.'"

"This will show you plainly," interrupted Eumolpus, "that Epicurus was a

man inspired, who most elegantly expresses his opinion of these figments

of the imagination:

"Dreams that delude our minds with shadows vain

Are not heaven-sent. But each man's proper brain

Forges these nothings; and the mind at play

Doth nightly reenact the deeds of day,

While the tired body sleeps. The conqueror

Who cities shakes, loosing the dogs of War,

Sees brandished spears, and routs, and deaths of Kings.

And blood, and all the horrors battle brings.

What sees the lawyer?-- ranged a dreadful show,

The bench, the bar, the judges all a-row!

The miser dreams of gold, lost treasure finds.

In woodland ways his horn the huntsman winds.

The sailor's vision scenes of wreck describes.

The harlot wheedles; the adultress bribes.

The sleeping hound the flying hare pursues;

And each unhappy wretch old griefs renews."

Lichas, however, after duly expiating Tryphaena's dream, said, "Who is to

hinder us searching the ship anyway, that we may not appear to scorn the

revelation the gods vouchsafe?"

The passenger who had so unfortunately surprised our furtive maneuvers

during the night, Hesus he was called, now suddenly broke in with the

question, "Who were the fellows then that were shaved by moonlight last

night, an abominable thing to do, upon my word! For they tell me it's

wicked for any man alive, when aboard ship, to cut either nails or hair,

except when the wind is at odds with the waves."

Lichas flew into a passion of anger and consternation at the words,

blustering, "Has anyone dared to cut his hair on my ship, and at dead

of night too? Produce the culprits instantly, that I may know whose

head must fall to purify my vessel from the taint."

"It was I," Eumolpus confessed, "ordered it. If I have brought down ill

luck, I shall not escape my share, for am I not to travel in the same ship?

But the fact is the offenders had such monstrously long and shaggy hair

I ordered the wretches' unkempt locks to be shorn, that I might not seem

to be turning our good ship into a jail, as also that the letters branded

on their brows might be legible to all men's eyes, being no longer

overshadowed and hidden by the hair. Amongst other knavish tricks,

they have been spending my money on a light-o'-love they kept between

them, from whose side I dragged them away only last night reeking with

wine and filthy perfumes. Indeed at this very minute they stink of the

relics of their debauch-- and it is all at my expense!"

Accordingly, by way of expiation to the tutelary spirit of the ship, it

was decreed we should each of us receive forty stripes. Without further

delay the savage sailors fall upon us, anxious to appease the deity with

our wretched blood. For myself, I digested three lashes with Spartan

fortitude; but Giton, at the very first blow, set up such a yell his well

remembered voice penetrated straight to Tryphaena's ears.

Nor was the mistress the only one startled by his cries; all her maids as

well, attracted by the familiar tones, gather round the triangles. Already

had his wondrous beauty begun to disarm the sailors and deprecate their

rage with its mute appeal, when Tryphaena's women all chime in with the

cry, "Giton! it's Giton! stay, oh! stay your savage hands. Help, help,

mistress! it's Giton!" Tryphaena turns only too ready an ear to their

words, and flies headlong to his side. Lichas, who knew me perfectly,

just as well as if he had heard my voice too, now runs up, and looking

neither at hands nor face, but instantly lowering his eyes to my middle,

politely laid his hands on those parts, and greeted me by my name. Why

wonder any longer at Ulysses' nurse, after twenty years, identifying

the scar that proved his birth, when this most observing master mariner,

spite of every lineament of face and form being disguised, yet pounced

shrewdly on the sole and only attribute that betrayed the fugitive.

Tryphaena burst into tears, supposing our disfigurement real and that we

had been branded on the brow as slaves and inquired in soft tones of pity,

what dungeon we had fallen into on our wanderings, or whose hands had

been barbarous enough to inflict so terrible a punishment. Doubtless

they had merited some mark of ignominy, the runaways, whom her favors

had only turned into enemies-- but not such a one as this!

Frenzied with indignation, Lichas sprang forward, crying, "Oh! the

simplicity of the woman! to actually believe these scars were made

and the letters really imprinted, with the branding-iron! I only wish

the marks they have disfigured their faces with were permanent! This

would be some satisfaction to us at any rate. As a matter of fact,

the whole thing's a farce, and the lettering a delusion and a snare!"

Tryphaena was by way of showing some compassion, inasmuch as all was not

lost for her pleasures; but Lichas, remembering his wife's seduction and

the insults he had received in the portico of the Temple of Hercules, and

showing a countenance fiercely contorted with passion, cries, "This will

show you, I imagine, Tryphaena, the immortal gods do govern human lives.

Have they not brought the culprits all unwitting on board our ship, yea!

and warned us of the fact by dreams coinciding in every particular with

the truth? Look you now, how can we pardon offenders whom God himself puts

into our hands for chastisement? For my part, I'm not a cruel man; but I

dare not spare them, lest I suffer for it myself."

Impressed by these superstitious arguments, Tryphaena changed her mind,

and declared she would make no further objection to our punishment, but

would gladly second so just a piece of retribution. She had received, she

added, as cruel wrong as Lichas himself; for had not her good name been

publicly traduced before a vulgar mob?

'Twas terror first gave origin to gods,

When the forked lightning, flashing from the sky

Would o'erwhelm towns and lofty Athos fire.

Next, rising Sun, and waxing, waning Moon,

Offerings received. So idols filled the world,

And not a month but had its proper god.

Far spread the taint; blind superstition led

The rustic swain to pay his first-fruits' toll

To Ceres, and with grapes Bacchus to crown,

And Pales venerate, the shepherds' god;

So Neptune ruled the waves, Pallas the schools.

Each man of mark, each founder of a State,

New gods invents, his rival to outstrip.

Lichas, seeing Tryphaena eager as himself for revenge, ordered our

punishment to be renewed and increased. On hearing this Eumolpus

endeavored to mitigate his anger by the following speech: "The unhappy

beings whose destruction your vengeance claims, imploring your compassion,

Lichas, they have chosen me, as one not unknown to you, to the office of

mediator, to reconcile them once more to those they formerly held so dear.

You cannot really suppose the young men fell into this trap by mere

chance; for surely the very first thing an intending passenger asks,

is the name of the person he is to intrust his safety to. Relent

then; be satisfied with the penalties already exacted and suffer free

men to proceed to their destination without further injury. The harshest

and most unforgiving of masters stay their cruelty, when slaves return

home penitent; and do we not all of us spare enemies who surrender? What

more do you want or desire? Prostrate before you lie these youths, men

of birth and breeding though they be, and what is more than this, friends

once bound to you in the ties of closest intimacy. Had they embezzled

your money, had they betrayed your trust, by great Hercules! even then

your resentment might be satisfied with the pains and penalties you

behold. Lo! the marks of servitude upon their brows, and their faces--

free men's faces-- wearing voluntarily the degrading badge of punishment!"

But Lichas cut short the plea of mercy. "Nay! you confuse the issue," he

interrupted; "you should keep each point separate and distinct. First of

all, if they came here of their own free will, why did they shave their

heads? The man who adopts a disguise is after no good, but is trying to

deceive. Secondly, if they were seeking forgiveness and reconciliation

through your good offices, why did you take every possible pains to keep

your clients concealed? It is plain enough the culprits did fall into the

trap accidentally, and that you are merely trying on an artful subterfuge

to slip out of reach of our resentment.

"Then for your special pleading, your noisy claim about their being

men of birth and breeding, have a care you don't injure your case by

over-confidence. Whatever is the injured party to do, when the guilty

run blindly to their own punishment? But, you urge, they were our friends;

the more thoroughly, I say, have they earned their chastisement. The man

who wrongs mere strangers, is called a robber; he who betrays his friends,

is little better than a murderer."

Eumolpus, to rebut this damaging reasoning, replies, "There is nothing, I

gather, tells more heavily against the unfortunate young men than the fact

of their having cut off their hair by night; this is taken to prove they

did not come on board voluntarily, but by mischance. I only trust my

explanation may seem as simple and straightforward as the act itself was

simply and innocently done. They purposed, before ever they embarked,

to have eased their heads of an annoying and needless burden, but the

wind springing up sooner than was expected forced them to put off their

visit to the barber; nor did they for an instant imagine it mattered

where they carried out the intention they had formed, knowing nothing

of the omen involved or the rules aboard ship."

"What made them take the guise of suppliants and shave their heads,"

was Lichas's only answer, "unless possibly because bald heads are more

likely to win compassion? But there, what use trying to get at the truth

through an interpreter? What have you to say for yourself, you thief?

What salamander has burnt off your eyebrows? what god have you vowed your

locks to? Answer me, villain." As for me, I stood dumfounded, silenced

by my terror of punishment, unable in my confusion to find a word, so

plain was the case against me. Besides, I was so disfigured, what with

my cropped head and my eyebrows as bare as my forehead, I could do

nothing and say nothing becomingly. But when presently my tearful

face was wiped with a wet sponge, and the ink being thus moistened

and smeared all over my countenance, my features were all confounded

together in one sooty cloud, his anger turned into disgust. Eumolpus

stoutly declared he would not stand by and see freeborn men degraded

against all right and justice, and protested against our savage foeman's

threats not only in word but in act. His protests were seconded by

his hired servant and by one or two passengers very much exhausted

by seasickness, and whose interference was more of an inducement to

further violence than an accession of strength. I asked for no mercy

for myself, but shaking my fists in Tryphaena's face, I cried out in

a bold, loud voice, I would use all my strength upon her, if she laid

a finger on Giton, cursed woman that she was, the only person on the

ship that really wanted flogging.

This insolence made Lichas still more angry, for he was furious at seeing

me thus abandon my own cause to protest on Giton's behalf. Nor was

Tryphaena less enraged at the affront, and the whole ship's company

was split into two opposing factions. On the one side the barber

servant is busied distributing his razors amongst us, after first arming

himself with one of them, on the other Tryphaena's slaves are tucking

up their sleeves the better to use their fists. Even the maids did

their part, encouraging the combatants with their cries, the pilot alone

protesting and declaring he would leave the helm, if they did not make

an end of this frantic uproar all about a couple of lecherous blackguards.

Even this threat failed to mitigate the fury of the disputants, our

adversaries fighting for revenge, and ourselves for dear life. Numbers

fall on either side, though no one is actually killed; still more retire

wounded and bleeding, like soldiers after a pitched battle, without anyone

showing the smallest loss of determination.

At this crisis the gallant Giton suddenly clapped his razor menacingly to

his virile parts, threatening to amputate the cause of so many calamities;

but Tryphaena forbade the perpetration of the horrid deed, readily granting

him quarter. I myself repeatedly laid a similar weapon to my throat,

though without any more intention of really killing myself than Giton had

of carrying out his threat. At the same time he was able to enact the

comedy with the more reckless realism, knowing as he did that the razor in

his hand was the identical one he had once already cut his throat with.

Both sides kept the field with equal resolution, till the pilot, seeing

it was likely to be no everyday fight, arranged after no little difficulty

that Tryphaena should act as peacemaker and effect a truce. So after

mutual pledges had been exchanged in the time-honored fashion, holding

forth an olive branch she had hastily snatched from the image of the

tutelary deity of the vessel, she advanced boldly to the parley.

"What direful rage," she cries, "turns peace to war?

What crime is ours? No faithless Paris here

Rides in our ship, nor Menelaus' bride,

Nor with a brother's gore Medea dyed.

'Tis slighted love inspires the feud, and craves

For blood and murderous deeds amidst these waves;

Why die before our time? your wrath forbear,

Nor make the harmless sea your passions share!"

This effusion, pronounced by Tryphaena in a broken voice, did something

to stop the fray, the combatants at length turning their thoughts to a

peaceful solution and ceasing from active hostilities. Eumolpus, the

leader on our side, at once seized the opportunity for reconciliation

thus offered, and after first indulging in a fierce invective against

Lichas and all his doings, put his seal to a treaty of peace, which

ran as follows:

"From the bottom of your heart, you, Tryphaena, do promise and undertake

to fore-go all complaint of the wrong done you by Giton; and never, by

reason of any act of his committed aforetime, to upbraid, or punish,

or in any wise molest him. Furthermore, that you will do nothing to

the boy against his free will and pleasure, neither embracing, nor kissing,

the said Giton, nor fornicating with him, except under forfeiture of one

hundred denars for such offense.

"Item: from the bottom of your heart, you, Lichas, do promise that you

will in no wise annoy Encolpius with word or look of contumely, nor

inquire where he may sleep at night; or if you so do, that you will

incontinently count down two hundred denars for each offense."

A truce being agreed to upon these terms, we laid down our arms, and in

order that no vestige of rancor might be left, once the oath was taken,

it was resolved we should kiss away all memory of past injuries. All being

unanimous for peace, our swelling passions soon subside, and a banquet

served with emulous alacrity crowns our reconciliation with the pledge of

good-fellowship. The whole ship resounds with singing, and a sudden calm

having arrested her progress, one might be seen harpooning the fish that

leapt above the waves, while another would he hauling in the struggling

prey enticed by his cunningly baited hooks. Sea-birds too came and settled

on the main yard; these a practised sportsman touched with his jointed

fowling-rods, and conveyed them glued to the limed tackle into our very

hands. The down flew dancing in the air, while the larger feathers fell

into the sea and tossed lightly to and fro on the foam-capped waves.

Lichas seemed already on the point of making it up with me, and

Tryphaena was throwing the last drops of her wine amorously over

Giton, when Eumolpus, who was as drunk as anybody, took it into his

head to start jeering at people who were bald-headed and branded.

Eventually coming to the end of his exceedingly pointless witticisms,

he once more dropped into poetry, and treated us to the following

little "Lament for Vanished Locks":

Beauty is fallen! thy hair's soft vernal grace

To wintry baldness gives untimely place.

Thy injured temples mourn their ravished shade;

Waste, like a stubble field, thy brow is laid.

Fallacious gods! your treacherous gifts how vain!

You only give us joy, to give us pain.

Unhappy youth! but late thy curling gold

E'en Phoebus self might envy to behold;

But now for smoothness, nor the liquid air,

Nor watered pumpkin can with thee compare.

The laughter-loving maids you fly, and fear;

And death with hasty steps will soon be here.

His fatal night already clouds thy morn,

Beauty is fallen! and thy gay locks are shorn.

He was still longing, I verily believe, to give us more of this stuff or

perhaps something worse, when Tryphaena's maid led Giton away below and

dressed the lad up in one of her mistress's heads of hair. She next

produced eyebrows out of a make-up box, and cleverly following the lines

of the lost features, soon restored him to all his pristine comeliness.

Tryphaena saw Giton once more under his true colors, and bursting into

tears, gave the boy the first genuine and heartfelt kiss she had bestowed

on him since his misfortunes. Rejoiced as I was to see the lad restored

to his former beauty, I could not help continually hiding my own face,

feeling how extraordinarily I must be disfigured, since Lichas did not

deign to give me so much as a word. However I was rescued before long

from these sad thoughts by the kind offices of the same maid servant,

who now called me aside and decked me out with an equally elegant

substitute for my lost ringlets. Indeed my face looked prettier than

ever, as it happened to be a flaxen wig.

But Eumolpus, champion of the distressed and author of the existing

harmony, fearing that our cheerfulness should flag for lack of amusing

anecdotes, commenced a series of gibes at women's frailty,-- how lightly

they fell in love, how quickly they forgot even their own sons for a

lover's sake, asserting there was never yet a woman so chaste she might

not be wrought to the wildest excesses by a lawless passion. Without

alluding to the old plays and world-renowned examples of women's

folly, he need only instance a case that had occurred, he said, within

his own memory, which if we pleased he would now relate. This offer

concentrated the attention of all on the speaker, who began as follows:

"There was once upon a time at Ephesus a lady of so high repute for

chastity that women would actually come to that city from neighboring

lands to see and admire. This fair lady, having lost her husband, was

not content with the ordinary signs of mourning, such as walking with

hair disheveled behind the funeral car and beating her naked bosom in

presence of the assembled crowd; she was fain further to accompany her

lost one to his final resting-place, watch over his corpse in the vault

where it was laid according to the Greek mode of burial, and weep day

and night beside it. So deep was her affliction, neither family nor

friends could dissuade her from these austerities and the purpose she

had formed of perishing of hunger. Even the Magistrates had to retire

worsted after a last but fruitless effort. All mourned as virtually

dead already a woman of such singular determination, who had already

passed five days without food.

"A trusty handmaid sat by her mistress's side, mingling her tears with

those of the unhappy woman, and trimming the lamp which stood in the tomb

as often as it burned low. Nothing else was talked of throughout the city

but her sublime devotion, and men of every station quoted her as a shining

example of virtue and conjugal affection.

"Meantime, as it fell out, the Governor of the Province ordered certain

robbers to be crucified in close proximity to the vault where the matron

sat bewailing the recent loss of her mate. Next night the soldier who

was set to guard the crosses to prevent anyone coming and removing the

robbers' bodies to give them burial, saw a light shining among the tombs

and heard the widow's groans. Yielding to curiosity, a failing common

to all mankind, he was eager to discover who it was, and what was afoot.

Accordingly he descended into the tomb, where beholding a lovely woman,

he was at first confounded, thinking he saw a ghost or some supernatural

vision. But presently the spectacle of the husband's dead body lying

there, and the woman's tear-stained and nail-torn face, everything went

to show him the reality, how it was a disconsolate widow unable to resign

herself to the death of her helpmate. He proceeded therefore to carry

his humble meal into the tomb, and to urge the fair mourner to cease her

indulgence in grief so excessive, and to leave off torturing her bosom

with unavailing sobs. Death, he declared, was the common end and last

home of all men, enlarging on this and the other commonplaces generally

employed to console a wounded spirit. But the lady, only shocked by

this offer of sympathy from a stranger's lips, began to tear her breast

with redoubled vehemence, and dragging out handfuls of her hair, she

laid them on her husband's corpse.

"The soldier, however, refusing to be rebuffed, renewed his adjuration

to the unhappy lady to eat. Eventually the maid, seduced doubtless by

the scent of the wine, found herself unable to resist any longer, and

extended her hand for the refreshment offered; then with energies restored

by food and drink, she set herself to the task of breaking down her

mistress's resolution. 'What good will it do you,' she urged, 'to die of

famine, to bury yourself alive in the tomb, to yield your life to destiny

before the Fates demand it?

"'Think you to pleasure thus the dead and gone?

"'Nay! rather return to life, and shaking off this womanly weakness,

enjoy the good things of this world as long as you may. The very

corpse that lies here before your eyes should be a warning to make

the most of existence.'

"No one is really loath to consent, when pressed to eat or live. The

widow therefore, worn as she was with several days' fasting, suffered her

resolution to be broken, and took her fill of nourishment with no less

avidity than her maid had done, who had been the first to give way.

"Now you all know what temptations assail poor human nature after a hearty

meal. The soldier resorted to the same cajolements which had already been

successful in inducing the lady to eat, in order to overcome her virtue.

The modest widow found the young soldier neither ill-looking nor wanting in

address, while the maid was strong indeed in his favor and kept repeating:

"Why thus unmindful of your past delight,

Against a pleasing passion will you fight?"

"But why make a long story? The lady showed herself equally complaisant

in this respect also, and the victorious soldier gained both his ends. So

they lay together not only that first night of their nuptials, but a second

likewise, and a third, the door of the vault being of course kept shut,

so that anyone, friend or stranger, that might come to the tomb, should

suppose this most chaste of wives had expired by now on her husband's

corpse. Meantime the soldier, entranced with the woman's beauty and the

mystery of the thing, purchased day by day the best his means allowed him,

and as soon as ever night was come, conveyed the provisions to the tomb.

"Thus it came about that the relatives of one of the malefactors,

observing this relaxation of vigilance, removed his body from the cross

during the night and gave it proper burial. But what of the unfortunate

soldier, whose self-indulgence had thus been taken advantage of, when

next morning he saw one of the crosses under his charge without its

body! Dreading instant punishment, he acquaints his mistress with what

had occurred, assuring her he would not await the judge's sentence,

but with his own sword exact the penalty of his negligence. He must

die therefore; would she give him sepulture, and join the friend to

the husband in that fatal spot?

"But the lady was no less tender-hearted than virtuous. 'The Gods forbid,'

she cried, 'I should at one and the same time look on the corpses of two

men, both most dear to me. I had rather hang a dead man on the cross than

kill a living.' So said, so done; she orders her husband's body to be

taken from its coffin and fixed upon the vacant cross. The soldier availed

himself of the ready-witted lady's expedient, and next day all men marveled

how in the world a dead man had found his own way to the cross."

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

This story set the sailors all laughing, while it made Tryphaena blush not

a little and lay her face amorously against Giton's bosom. Lichas on the

other hand was far from laughing, and shaking his head indignantly, "If the

Governor of Ephesus had been a just man," he declared, "he should have

returned the good husband's body to the tomb and hung the woman on the

cross." Doubtless he was thinking of the injury done to his own bed, and

the pillage of his ship by the roving band of wantons. But not only did

the terms of our treaty forbid his bearing rancor, but the mirth that

filled all hearts left no room for resentment. Meantime Tryphaena, sitting

on Giton's lap, was now covering his breast with kisses, now adjusting his

wig so as to set off his face in spite of the loss of his ringlets.

For myself, so chagrined and impatient was I at this new and unexpected

reconciliation I could neither eat nor drink, but sat looking grimly

askance at the pair. Every kiss they exchanged wounded me, and every

artful blandishment the wanton employed. I knew not whether I was the

more incensed with the boy for having robbed me of my mistress, or with my

mistress for debauching the boy. Both sights cut me to the quick, and were

far more painful than my late captivity. To make things worse, Tryphaena

never vouchsafed me a word, as she surely might have to a friend and a once

favored lover, nor did Giton deign so much as to do me the common courtesy

of drinking my health, or at the very least speaking to me in the course of

general conversation. I suppose he was afraid, just at the commencement of

renewed favors on the lady's part, of re-opening a scarcely healed wound.

Tears of vexation wetted my bosom, and the groans I stifled under the guise

of a sigh all but choked me.

The vulture grim that, sick hearts torturing,

Mangles the inmost vitals day and night,

Is not the bird complacent poets sing,

But bitter jealousy and sore despite.

Notwithstanding my dismal countenance, my flaxen wig set off my beauty to

advantage, and Lichas, inflamed afresh with amorousness, began to cast

sheep's eyes at me and to solicit my favors, adopting more the tone of a

friend than of a supercilious master who commands. Many were his attempts,

but all in vain; at last, his advances meeting with nothing but decided

rebuffs, his love changed to fury, and he endeavored to carry the place by

assault. But Tryphaena, making a sudden inroad, observed his naughtiness,

whereupon he hurriedly adjusts his dress in great confusion, and takes to

his heels.

This added fresh fuel to Tryphaena's wantonness, who demanded, "What was

Lichas aiming at in these ardent attempts of his?" She forced me to

explain, and fired by my tale, remembering too our former intimate

relations, would fain have had me renew our bygone amours. But I was

tired out with excessive venery, and rejected her advances with scorn.

At this, Tryphaena, in a frenzy of desire, threw her arms wildly around

me and hugged me so tight I uttered a sudden cry of pain. One of the maids

rushed in at the sound, and jumping to the conclusion I was extorting from

her mistress the very favor I refused her, sprang at me and tore us apart.

Mad with the disappointment of her lecherous passion, Tryphaena upbraided

me violently, and with a thousand threats hastened away to Lichas, to

still further exasperate him against me and to join him in contriving

some means of vengeance.

You must know that at one time I had found much favor in this same

waiting-maid's eyes, when I was on familiar terms with her mistress;

so she took it extremely ill when she surprised me with Tryphaena, and

sobbed bitterly. I eagerly inquired the reason of her distress, and

after making some show of reluctance, she burst out, "If you have one

drop of good blood in your veins, you will treat her as no better than

a strumpet; as you are a man, don't go with that female catamite."

This incident perplexed my mind and made me still more anxious; but what I

feared more than anything else was that Eumolpus might get wind of the

circumstances, such as they were, and being a most sarcastic person might

compose a versified lampoon to avenge my supposed wrongs, for in that case

his fiery partisanship would undoubtedly have made me ridiculous, a thing I

especially dreaded. I was just debating in my own mind how I could keep

Eumolpus from this knowledge, when behold! the very man in question

appeared, perfectly acquainted with what had occurred; for Tryphaena had

retailed the whole circumstances to Giton, trying to indemnify herself for

my rebuff at my little favorite's expense. This had made Eumolpus

furiously angry, all the more as these ebullitions of amorousness were

open violations of the treaty signed and sealed between us. The instant

the old fellow set eyes on me, he began bewailing my lot, and begged I

would tell him exactly how it had all happened. So I frankly told him,

seeing he was thoroughly posted already, of Lichas's abominable attempt

and Tryphaena's lecherous provocations. After listening to my tale,

Eumolpus swore in good set terms, that he would avenge us, declaring

the Gods were too just to suffer such villainies to go unpunished.

Whilst we were still engaged in talk of this and the like sort, the sea

rose and heavy clouds gathering from all quarters plunged the scene in

darkness. The sailors run to their posts in panic haste, and take in sail to

ease the ship. But the wind, continually changing, had raised a cross-sea,

and the helmsman was uncertain what course to steer. At one moment the

storm would be driving us towards Sicily, while at others the North Wind,

that tyrant of the Italian coast, would repeatedly whirl our helpless ship

hither and thither at its mercy; and what was more dangerous than all the

squalls, a sudden darkness had fallen, so thick the helmsman could not see

even to the ship's bows. So the tempest being, God knows, utterly

overpowering, Lichas stretches forth his hands towards me in terror and

supplication, crying, "Help us, Encolpius, help us in our peril; restore

that sacred robe and the sistrum you robbed the ship of. By all you hold

sacred, have pity, you who are so tender-hearted usually." As he was

vociferating thus, the gale swept him overboard; he rose once and again

from the raging whirlpool, then the waters whirled him round and sucked

him under.

Tryphaena on the contrary was saved by the fidelity of her slaves, who

seized her, put her in the ship's boat along with the greater part of her

baggage, and so rescued her from certain death.

Clinging to Giton, I lamented, "Is this all the Gods give us, to unite us

only in death? Nay! cruel Fortune grudges even this. Look! in an instant

the waves will overset the ship; look! the angry sea will in an instant

sever the embraces of two lovers. If ever you truly loved Encolpius, kiss

me, while you may, and snatch this last delight from swift impending doom."

As I said the words, Giton threw off his robe, and creeping inside my

tunic, protruded his head to be kissed. Moreover, that the cruel waves

might not tear our embrace asunder, he girt us both together with a girdle

round our waists, crying, "If nothing else, at least we shall thus float

longer united; or if the ocean be so merciful as to cast up our dead bodies

on the same shore, either some passer-by will have the common humanity to

heap a cairn over us, or else the unconscious sand will give us a burial

even the angry waves cannot dispute." I submit to this last and final

bond, and calm as if composed on my funeral couch, await a death I no

longer dread.

The tempest meantime carries out the decrees of Fate, and beats down the

last defenses of the ship. Mast and rudder are carried away, and not a

rope or an oar left; like a mere shapeless mass of logs she goes drifting

with the billows. Some fishermen now put out hastily in their small craft

to loot the vessel; but when they saw men were still on board ready to

defend their property, they changed from wreckers into rescuers. Suddenly

we hear an extraordinary noise, like the howling of a wild beast trying to

get out, coming from underneath the master's cabin. Following up the

sound, we discover Eumolpus seated, dashing down verses on a huge sheet of

parchment. Marveling how the man could find leisure in the very face of

death to be writing poetry, we haul him out in spite of his clamorous

protests, telling him to have some common sense for once. But he was

furious at the interruption, and shouted, "Let me finish my phrase; my

poem's just in the throes of completion!" I laid violent hands on the

maniac, calling on Giton to help me drag the bellowing poet ashore. After

accomplishing our purpose with much difficulty, we found dismal shelter in

a fisherman's hut, where having refreshed ourselves as best we might with

provisions damaged by sea-water, we passed a most wretched night.

Next day, as we were debating what district we might most safely make for,

I suddenly caught sight of a human body that was driving ashore, tossing

lightly up and down on the waves. I stood sadly waiting, gazing with wet

eyes on the work of the faithless element, and thus soliloquized,

"Somewhere or another, mayhap, a wife is looking in blissful security for

this poor fellow's return, or a son perhaps, or a father, all unsuspicious

of storm and wreck; be sure, he has left some one behind, whom he kissed

fondly at parting. This then is the end of human projects, this the

accomplishment of men's mighty schemes. Look! how now he rides the waves."

I was still deploring the stranger's fate, as I supposed him to be, when

the swell heaved the face, still quite undisfigured, towards the beach, and

I recognized the features of Lichas, my erstwhile enemy, so formidable and

implacable a foe, now cast helpless almost at my feet. I could restrain my

tears no longer, but smiting my breast again and again, "Where is your

anger now," I exclaimed, "and all your domineering ways? There you lie, a

prey to the fishes and monsters of the deep; you who so short a while ago

proudly boasted your despotic powers, have never a plank left of your great

ship. Go to, mortals; swell your hearts with high-flown anticipations. Go

to, ye men of craft; arrange the disposal for a thousand years to come of

the wealth you have got by fraud. Why! only yesterday this dead man here

cast up the accounts of his fortune, and actually fixed in his own mind the

day, when he should return to his native shore. Ye Gods! how far away he

lies from the point he hoped to reach. Nor is it the sea alone that

disappoints men's hopes like this. The warrior is betrayed by his arms;

the householder in the act of paying his offerings to heaven is overwhelmed

in the ruin of his own penates. One is thrown from his car, and breathes

his last hurried breath; the glutton dies of an over-hearty meal, the

frugal man of fasting. Reckon it aright, and there is shipwreck

everywhere. But then a drowned man misses burial, you object. As if it

made one scrap of difference how the perishable body is consumed,-- by

fire, by water, or by time. Do what you will, these all end in the same

result. Ah! but wild bests will mangle his corpse. As if fire would treat

it any kindlier; why! fire is the very penalty we deem the most appalling,

when we are savage with our slaves. What folly then to make such ado to

ensure that no part of us remain unburied, when the Fates arrange this

matter at their pleasure, whether we will or no."

After indulging in these grim thoughts, we proceed to perform the last

offices to the dead man, and Lichas, borne by the hands of his ill-wishers

to the pile, is consumed to ashes. Eumolpus meantime is busy composing an

epitaph for the departed, and after rolling his eyes about for a while in

search of inspiration, delivers himself of the following fragment:

His doom was sealed,

No carven marble marked his sepulture;

Five feet of common earth received the corpse,

His tomb a lowly mound.

This office duly and willingly performed, we pursue our interrupted

journey, and in a very brief space of time arrive sweating at the top of a

steep hill, whence we spy at no great distance a city occupying the summit

of a lofty crag. We did not know its name, being mere wanderers, until a

peasant informed us it was Croton, a very ancient place and once upon a

time the first town of all Italy. We next inquired anxiously what sort

were the people inhabiting this famous site, and what commerce they mostly

carried on since the ruin of their former prosperity by constantly

recurring wars.

"Good strangers," the fellow replied, "if so be you are merchants, change

your trade and seek some other means of livelihood. But if you are of a

more genteel stamp, and can tell lies without end and stick to them, you're

in the straight road to fortune. In this city literature is not

cultivated, nor does eloquence find favor; sobriety and morality meet with

neither commendation nor success; its inhabitants each and all, you must

know, belong to one or other of two classes, viz., legacy hunters and their

prey. In this city no man rears children, for whosoever has natural heirs

of his own, is admitted to no entertainment, no public show; excluded from

every privilege of citizenship, he is condemned to a life of furtive

obscurity among the lowest of the low. The unmarried on the contrary and

all who have no near kindred, attain the highest honors; they alone are

brave, and capable, and respectable. You will find the town," he

concluded, "like a pestfield, where there are but two thing to be

seen-- corpses being torn, and crows tearing them."

Eumolpus, more far-seeing than the rest of us, pondered over these novel

arrangements and admitted the method indicated of making a fortune took his

fancy. For my part, I supposed the old poet was joking in his fantastic

way, but he went on quite seriously, "I only wish I had a more adequate

stock in trade, I mean a more fashionable robe and more elegant outfit

generally, to make the imposture more convincing. Great Hercules; I would

get done with my wallet for good and all, and lead you all straight to

wealth." On this I promised him whatever he required, provided the dress

we used for our light-fingered work would satisfy him; together with

anything we had appropriated from Lycurgus's place. As for ready money,

this we might safely trust the Mother of Gods to provide.

"What hinders us then," cried Eumolpus, "to arrange our little comedy?

Make me master, if you like my plan." None of us ventured to disapprove a

project where we had nothing to lose. Accordingly, to ensure the deception

being faithfully kept up by all concerned, we swore an oath in terms

dictated by Eumolpus, to endure fire, imprisonment, stripes, cold steel,

and whatsoever else he might command us, in his behalf. Like regular

gladiators we vowed ourselves most solemnly to our master, body and soul.

After completing the oath-taking, we salute our master with pretended

servility, and are instructed all to tell the same tale,-- how Eumolpus had

lost a son, a young man of prodigious eloquence and high promise; how

consequently the poor old father had quitted his native city, that the

sight of his boy's clients and companions and the vicinity of his tomb

might not be continually renewing his grief. This sad event, we were to

add, had been followed by a recent shipwreck, which had cost him two

million sesterces; that it was not however so much the loss of the money

which annoyed him as the fact that for want of a proper retinue he could

not fittingly keep up his rank. Further, that he had thirty millions in

Africa invested in landed estates and securities, and such a host of slaves

scattered over the length and breadth of Numidia that they could storm

Carthage at a pinch.

In accordance with this scheme, we direct Eumolpus to cough a great deal,

to have a weak digestion at any rate, and in company to grumble at every

dish set before him; to be for ever talking about gold and silver, and

unproductive farms, and how terrible barren land always was; also every day

to sit over accounts, and regularly once a month to add new codicils to his

will. And to make the farce quite complete, whenever he wished to call

one of us, he was to use the wrong name, plainly showing the master was

thinking of other servants no longer with him.

Matters being thus arranged, after praying the gods for "good success and

happy issue," as the phrase runs, we set forward. But poor Giton could not

stand his unusual load; while Corax, Eumolpus's hired man, objecting

strongly to his job, kept everlastingly dropping his pack and cursing us

for going too fast; he swore he would either throw away his traps, or else

make off with the swag altogether. "Do you take me for a beast of burden,"

he grumbled, "or a stone-ship? I contracted for a man's work, not a dray-

horse's! I'm as much a freeman as you are, though my father did leave me a

poor man." Not content with bad language, he kept lifting up his leg again

and again, and filling the road with a filthy noise and a filthy stench.

Giton only laughed at his impudence, and after each explosion gave a loud

imitation of the noise with his mouth.

But even this did not hinder the poet from relapsing into his accustomed

vein. "Many are the victims, my young friends," he began, "poetry has

seduced! The instant a man has got a verse to stand on its feet and

clothed a tender thought in appropriate language, he thinks he has scaled

Helicon right off. Many others, after long practice of forensic talents,

finally retreat to the tranquil calm of verse-making as to a blessed harbor

of refuge, imagining a poem is easier put together than an argument all

embroidered with scintillating conceits. But a mind of nobler inspiration

is revolted by this flippancy; and no intellect that is not flooded with a

mighty tide of learning, can either conceive or bring to birth a worthy

poetic child. In diction, anything approaching commonness, if I may use

the word, is to be avoided; a poet must choose words devoid of base

associations, and hold to Horace's,

I hate and bid avaunt the vulgar herd.

Again, care should be exercised to avoid sentiments that stand out as mere

excrescences on the framework of the main conception; let the fabric be as

brilliant as it may, its colors must be ingrained in the stuff. I may

instance Homer, and the Lyric poets, and our Roman Virgil, and Horace with

his happy preciosity. The rest, one and all, were blind to the true path

to Parnassus, or if they did see it, were afraid to tread it.

"Look at that mighty subject, the Civil Wars; anyone attempting it, if not

a man of the ripest scholarship, will sink under the burden. It is no

question of a string of facts to be catalogued in verse, a task the

Historian will perform far better; nay! rather must the untrammeled spirit

be hurried along through a series of digressions and divine interventions

and all the intricacies of myth and fable. The inspired frenzy of the bard

should be more apparent than the tested pedantry of scrupulous precision.

For example, see how you like this rapid sketch, though indeed it has not

yet received the final touches:

Now haughty Rome reigned mistress of the Globe,

Where'er the Ether shines with heavenly fires,

Or Earth extends, or circling Ocean rolls.

Yet still insatiate, her winged navies plowed

The burdened main, to each unplundered shore;

For to the rich she bore immortal hate,

And her own avarice still prepared her Fall.

E'en former pleasures were beheld with scorn,

As joys grown threadbare by too vulgar use.

The soldier now admired th' Assyrian dye,

And now th' Hesperian charmed his fickle pride.

Numidia here the lofty roof sustained;

There shone the honors of Serean looms;

Arabia of her balmy sweets was spoiled;

Yet still unquenched, the lust of ravage burned.

In Maurian wilds, and Ammon's distant reign,

Monsters were captived for our cruel sports.

The stranger tiger in his golden cage

Now crossed the main to press our friendly shore;

Whilst joyful Rome her monster entertained

With purple streams of her own kindred blood.

I blush to speak, I tremble to recite

Our Persian manners, and our curse of Fate!

From Youth they snatched the Man with cruel art,

Whilst Venus frowned o'er the retreating tide;

As if they thought to favor the deceit,

E'en Age itself would like that tide retire!

Nature was lost, and sought herself in vain.

Hence naught but lewd effeminacies please,

Soft curling hair, and wantonness of dress,

And all that can disgrace man's godlike form.

From Afric slaves and purple carpets come,

With citron tables, rich in golden stains,

Around whose costly, but dishonored pride,

Buried in wine, the giddy drunkards lie.

Nothing escapes our raging lust of taste;

The soldier draws his sword in rapine's cause;

And from Sicilia's distant main the scar

Is brought alive to our luxurious board;

The Lucrine shore is of its oysters spoiled,

And hunger purchased with th' expensive sauce;

Phasis is widowed of its feathered race,

And nothing heard o'er all the desert strand

But trees remurmuring to the passing gales.

Nor less in Mars's Field Corruption swayed,

Where every vote was prostitute to gain;

The People and the Senate both were sold.

E'en Age itself was deaf to Virtue's voice,

And all its court to sordid interest paid,

Beneath whose feet lay trampled Majesty.

E'en Cato's self was by the crowd exiled,

Whilst he who won suffused with blushes stood,

Ashamed to snatch the power from worthier hands.

Oh! shame to Rome and to the Roman name!

'Twas not one man alone whom they exiled,

But banished Virtue, Fame and Freedom too.

Thus wretched Rome her own destruction bought,

Herself the merchant, and herself the ware.

Besides, in debt was the whole Empire bound,

A prey to Usury's insatiate jaws;

Not one could call his house, or self, his own;

But debts on debts like silent fevers wrought,

Till through the members they the vitals seized.

Fierce tumults now they to their succor call,

And War must heal the wounds of Luxury;

For Want may safely dare without a fear.

And sunk in hopeless misery, what could wake

Licentious Rome from her voluptuous trance,

But fire, and sword, and all the din of arms?

Three mighty chiefs kind Fortune had supplied,

Whom cruel Fate in various manner slew.

The Parthian fields were drunk with Crassus' gore;

Great Pompey perished on the Libyan main;

And thankless Rome saw greater Julius bleed.

Thus as one soil too narrow were to hold

Their rival dust, their ashes shared the World.

But their immortal glory never dies.

'Twixt Naples and Dicharchian fields extends

A horrid Gulf, immensely deep and wide,

Through which Cocytus rolls his lazy streams,

And poisons all the air with sulphurous fogs.

No Autumn here e'er clothes himself with green,

Nor joyful Spring the languid herbage cheers;

Nor feathered warblers chant their mirthful strains

In vernal comfort to the rustling boughs;

But Chaos reigns, and ragged rocks around

With naught but baleful cypress are adorned.

Amidst these horrors Pluto raised his head,

With mingled flames and ashes sprinkled o'er,

Stopped Fortune in her flight, and thus addressed:

Oh! thou controller of both Earth and Heaven,

Who had'st the power which too securely stands,

And only heap'st thy favors to resume;

Dost thou not sink beneath Rome's ponderous

weight,

Unable to sustain her tottering pride?

E'en Rome herself beneath her burden groans,

And ill sustains Monopoly of Power.

For see elate in Luxury of Spoils,

Her golden domes invade the frighted skies!

Sea's turned to land, and land is turned to sea,

And injured Nature mourns her slighted Laws.

E'en me they threaten, and besiege my Throne;

The Earth is ransacked for her treasured stores,

And in the solid hills such caverns made,

That murmuring ghosts begin to hope for day.

Change, Fortune, ergo change this prideful scene!

Fire every Roman's breast with civil rage,

And give new subjects to my desert reign!

For ne'er have I been joyed with human gore,

Nor my Tisiphone e'er quenched her thirst,

Since Sulla's sword let loose the purple tide,

And reaped the harvest of insatiate death.

He spoke . . . and lo! the opening Earth disclosed,

And to the Goddess' hand his hand he joined.

Then Fortune, smiling, this reply addressed:

Oh! Father who Cocytus' empire sways!

If dangerous truths may safely be revealed,

Enjoy your wish! not less my anger boils,

And in my breast as fierce resentment burns.

I hate the height to which I've lifted Rome,

And my own lavished favors now repent.

But that same God who built her haughty power,

Shall soon rehumble to the dust her pride.

Then I'll with transport light the general flame,

And with the plenteous slaughter feast revenge.

Methinks I see Thessalia's fatal plain

Already heaped with dead, and funeral piles

Innumerous blazing on Iberia's shore!

I see the Libyan sands distained with blood,

And sevenfold Nile groans with prophetic fears!

On every side the clang of arms resounds,

An Actium's flight seems present to my eyes!

Then open all the portals of thy Reign,

And give thy crowding subjects free access!

Old Charon in his boats can ne'er convey

The shoals of ghosts that for their passage wait,

But needs a fleet!-- Tisiphone may then

Quench her dire thirst, and cloy herself with Fate.

The mangled World is hurrying to thy Reign.

Scarce ended she her words, when from a cloud

Blue lightnings flashed, and sudden thunders roared.

Affrighted Pluto feared his brother's darts,

And trembling hid his head in shades of night.

The Gods by dreadful omens straight disclosed

The deathful horrors of approaching Fate.

The Sun in bloody clouds obscured his rays,

As if he mourned the dreadful scene begun;

Whilst trembling Cynthia fled the impious sight,

Quenching her orb, and from the World withdrew.

Mountains by sudden storms were overturned;

And erring rivers left their channels dry.

E'en Heaven itself confesses the alarm,

And fierce battalions skirmish in the clouds;

Etna redoubles all her sulphurous rage,

And darts strange lightnings at th' affrighted sky;

Unburied ghosts too wander round the tombs,

And with impatient threatenings ask repose;

A fiery comet shakes her blazing hair;

And wondering Jove descends in showers of blood.

Nor was it long that Heaven th' event concealed;

For mighty Caesar panting for revenge,

Gave peace to Gaul, and flew to Civil Arms.

Upon the towering Alps' remotest height,

Where the cragg'd rocks look down upon the clouds,

A Grecian altar to Alcides smokes.

There everlasting Winter bars access,

And the ambitious summit props the skies;

No Summer ever darts his genials beams,

Nor vernal Zephyrs cheer the joyless air;

But snows on snows accumulated rise,

The icy pillars of the starry Orb.

Here Caesar with his joyful legions climbed;

Here camped; and from the lofty precipice,

Surveying all Hesperia's fertile plains.

With hands uplifted, thus addressed his prayer:

Almighty Jove! And thou, Saturnian Earth,

So oft by me with filial triumphs graced!

Witness these arms I with reluctance bear,

Compelled by matchless wrongs to War's redress.

Exiled and interdicted, whilst the Rhine

I swelled beyond its banks with native gore,

And to his Alps confined the haughty Gaul,

Once more to storm your Capitol prepared.

But what reward has all these toils repaid?

Conquest alas! is by herself undone!

Germania vanquished a new crime is deemed,

And sixty Triumphs are with exile crowned.

But what are they my glory thus compels

To count the aid of mercenary arms?

Oh! shame to Rome! My Rome disowns their birth

Nor shall they long her injured honors stain,

Beneath this arm their envious Chief shall fall!

Come fellow-victors, rouse your martial rage,

And with your conquering swords assert my cause!

One is our danger, and our crime the same.

It was not I alone reaped glory's field,

But thanks to you! by you these laurels won;

Then since disgrace and punishment's decreed,

Mutual our trophies and victorious toils,

The die be thrown! and Fortune judge the cast!

Let each brave warrior grasp his shining blade!

For me my rights already crowned appear,

Nor 'midst so many heroes doubt success.

He spoke. . . . When swift-descending from the

Sky,

The Bird of Jove urged his auspicious flight.

Strange voices in the left-hand woods were heard;

And issuing flames flashed through the sylvan gloom.

Phoebus himself assumed his brightest beams,

And with unusual splendor cheered the day.

Fired with the omen, dauntless Caesar bids

His engines move; himself the first t' essay

The dangerous path; for yet in frost confined

And peaceful horrors lay the passive ground.

But when with ardent feet th' innumerous train

Of men and horse and icy fetters loosed,

To fierce resistance swelled the melted snows,

And sudden rivers o'er the mountains rolled.

But soon again as if by Fate's command,

The rising waves in icy billows stood;

Whilst in confusion o'er the treacherous path

Horses and men and mingled standards lay.

To aid the horror, sudden winds compel

The gathering clouds, and burst into a storm,

Thick o'er their ringing arms and hail descends,

And from the Ether pours an icy sea;

One common ruin conquers Earth and Sky,

And frighted rivers hurry o'er their banks;

But dauntless Caesar aided by his spear

Still presses forward with unshaken soul.

With such an ardor was Alcides fired,

When down Caucasian steeps he rushed to fame.

And thus descending from Olympus' brow,

Almighty Jove the Giants put to flight.

Meantime on trembling pinions through the Skies

To Mount Palatium frighted Rumor flew.

And to astonished Rome these tidings bore:

A hostile Fleet is riding on the main,

And o'er the Alps, with German conquests flushed,

The vengeful Legions pour on guilty Rome.

Straight Fire and Sword and all the dreadful train

Of civil rage before their eyes appear!

Distracting tumults every bosom swayed,

And Reason 'midst the dubious fears was lost.

This flies by land, and that confides the sea,

As far less dangerous than his native shores!

These run to arms; Fate aids the wild affright,

And each obeys the guidance of his fears.

No certain course the giddy vulgar know,

But through the Gates in thronged confusion crowd,

And rival terror;-- Rome to Rumor yields,

And weeping Romans leave their native seats.

This is his hand his trembling children leads,

And this his gods within his bosom hides,

His long-loved threshold quits with mournful looks.

And wings his curses at the absent foe.

There on the husband's breast the bride complains;

And here his father's age a pious youth

Supports with filial care, nor feels his load,

Nor fears but for his venerable charge.

Whilst these, insensate! to the field convey

Their treasured wealth, and glut the war with spoils.

As on the deep when stormy Auster blows,

And mounts the billows with tumultuous rage,

Th' affrighted seamen ply their arts in vain;

The pilots stand aghast; these lash their sails;

Whilst these make land, and those avoid the shores,

And rather Fortune than the rocks confide.

But what can paint the fears that seized all men,

When both the Consuls with great Pompey fled?

Pompey, Hydaspes' and proud Pontus' scourge,

The rock of Pirates, whom with wonder Jove

Had thrice beheld in the triumphal Car!

That mighty Chief who gave the Euxine laws,

And taught th' admiring Bosphorus to obey,

Oh shame! Deserted the Imperial Name,

And meanly left both Rome and Fame behind!

Whilst fickle Fortune gloried in his flight.

The Gods with horror see th' intestine jars,

And even celestial breasts consent to fear.

For see the mild pacific train depart.

Exiled the World by our impiety!

First soft-winged Peace extends her snowy arm,

And pulling o'er her brows her olive wreath,

Seeks the Elysian shades with hasty flight.

On her with downcast eyes meek Faith attends,

And mourning Justice with disheveled hair,

And weeping Concord with her garments rent.

But joyful Hell unbolts the brazen doors,

And all her Furies quit the Stygian Court.

Threatening Bellona with Erinys joins,

And dire Megaera armed with fiery brands.

Pale Death, insidious Fraud, and Massacre,

With Rage, burst forth! Who from his fetters freed,

Lifts high his gory head; a helmet hides

His wounded visage, and his left hand grasps

The shield of Mars horrid with countless darts.

Whilst in his right a flaming torch appears,

To light Destruction, and to fire the World.

The Gods descending also left the skies,

Whilst wondering Atlas missed his usual load;

And mortal jars even Heaven itself divide.

In Caesar's cause Dione first appeared;

Her Pallas aided, and the God of War.

Whilst in espousal of brave Pompey's part

Cynthia and Phoebus and Cyllene's son

And his own model, great Alcides, joined.

The trumpets sound! When straight fell Discord

raised

Her Stygian head, and shook her matted locks.

With clotted blood her face was covered o'er,

And gummy horrors from her eyes distilled;

Two rows of cankered teeth deformed her mouth,

And from her tongue a stream of poison flowed;

Whilst hissing serpents played around her cheeks;

Her livid skin with rags was scarce concealed,

And in her trembling hand a torch she shook.

Ascending thus from the Tartarean gloom,

She reached the top of lofty Apennine;

Whence viewing all the subject land and sea,

And armies floating on the crowded plains,

This into words her joyful fury broke:

Now, rush ye Nations, rush to mutual arms,

And let Dissension's torch for ever burn!

For flight no longer shall the Coward save,

Nor age, nor sex, nor children's pity move,

But the Earth tremble, and her haughtiest towers

Shake in convulsive ruins to the ground.

Do thou, Marcellus, the Decree uphold;

And Curio, thou excite the madding crowd!

Nor thou, persuasive Lentulus, forbear

To aid the Faction with thy potent tongue!

But why, O Caesar, this delayed Revenge?

Why burst'st thou not the Gates of guilty Rome,

And mak'st her treasured pride thy welcome prey?

And thou, O Pompey, know'st thou not thy power?

If thou fear'st Rome, to Epidamnus haste,

And feast Thessalia's plain with human gore!

Thus Discord spoke. . . . The impious Earth

obeyed.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Eumolpus having declaimed this effusion with prodigious volubility, we

eventually entered the gates of Croton. Here we baited at a small, mean

inn, but started out next morning to find a lodging of greater pretensions.

We soon fell in with a mob of legacy hunters, who plied us with questions

as to who we were and where we came from. So we answered both inquiries,

in strict accordance with the plan arranged between us, with an exaggerated

glibness, and they believed every word of it; for they instantly put their

fortunes at Eumolpus's disposal, almost fighting which should be first to

do him this service. One and all offer presents, in order to curry favor

with the supposed millionaire.

Things went on thus at Croton for a long time, till Eumolpus, intoxicated

with success, so completely forgot his former lowly condition as to boast

to his followers how no one could resist his influence, and that any

misdemeanor they might have committed in the town, they could carry

off with impunity by his friends' good offices. For my part however,

though every day I stuffed my swollen carcass with a greater superfluity

of good things and really thought Fortune had at last ceased watching

me with an eye of malevolence, still I often reflected on my present

mode of life and the way it had come about. "What if some astute legacy

hunter," I often said to myself, "sent some one to Africa to make

inquiries, and discovered our swindle? What if Eumolpus's servant,

as is just possible, sick of this life of luxury, should give a hint

to his cronies and betray the whole imposture out of malice? Why! we

should just have to fly once more, return to the penury we have at last

got the better of, and start begging afresh. Gods and goddesses of

heaven! what a life outlaws lead, forever dreading the penalty of

one felony or another!"

Thus communing with myself, I quit the house in a most melancholy

mood, hoping to refresh my spirits with the open air out of doors.

I had scarcely entered the public promenade, when a girl of far from

unpleasing exterior met me, and calling "Polyaenos," the name I had

adopted by way of disguise, informed me that her mistress desired

permission to speak with me.

"You have surely made a mistake," I answered in some confusion; "I

am but a foreigner and a slave, and quite undeserving of the honor."

"Nay! my mission was to yourself," she returned; "but I see, because

you know your own beauty, you give yourself airs, and sell your favors,

instead of giving them. What else can those waved and well combed

locks mean, and that made-up face, and the languishing look of your

eyes? For what else that studied gait, and mincing steps that never

exceed a measured pace, except to sell your person by the meretricious

display of your charms? Look at me; I am no augur, no student of the

planets like the astrologers, yet I can infer a man's character from

his looks, and foretell his intentions the moment I see his way of

walking. Therefore, if you are willing to sell us what I require,

there's a customer all ready; or, if you will give it, like a gentleman,

we shall be glad to be under this obligation to you. You tell me

you are a slave and a common varlet; this only the more inflames my

mistress's heated imagination. There are women fancy muck, whose

passions are stirred only at the sight of slaves or runner boys with

bare legs. Others are hot after gladiators, or dusty muleteers, or

actors swaggering on the boards. This is the sort my mistress is;

she jumps clean over the fourteen rows from orchestra to gallery,

to seek her choice among the rabble of the back benches."

So, charmed with her fascinating chatter, "Tell me, my dear," I said,

"is this lady who loves me yourself?"

The maid laughed heartily at my cool way of putting it, saying, "Pray!

pray! don't be so mighty pleased with yourself. I've never given

myself to a slave yet; and God forbid I should waste my embraces on

gallows-birds. 'Tis their own lookout, if ladies go kissing the marks

the lash has left; for my part, though I'm only a servant maid, I

never go with anybody below a knight.

"Tastes differ 'tis as chance disposes;

Some like thorns, and some like roses."

I was astounded at such abnormal predilections, and thought it monstrous

thus to find the maid with the mistress's fastidiousness, the mistress

with the maid's vulgar tastes.

Presently, after further pleasantries had passed, I begged the girl

to bring her mistress into the plane tree avenue. She was quite

agreeable, and tucking up her skirts dived into a laurel wood that

bordered the promenade. In a very few moments she brought out her

mistress from where she was hiding, and led her up to me, a more

perfect being than ever artist fashioned. There are no words to

express her beauty, for anything I can say will fall far short of

the reality. Her locks, which curled naturally, rippled all over her

shoulders, her brow was low, the hair being turned back from it, her

brows, extending to the very spring of the cheek, almost met between

the eyes, which shone brighter than stars in a moonless sky, her nose

was slightly aquiline, her little mouth such as Praxiteles gave Diana.

Chin, neck, hands, snow-white feet confined in elegant sandals of gold

work, all vied with Parian marble in brilliancy. For the first time

I thought lightly of Doris, whose long-time admirer I was.

Why tarries Jove, scorning the arts of Love,

Mute and inglorious in the heavens above?

How well the Bull would now the God become,

Or his gray hairs to be transformed to down!

Here's Danae's self,-- a touch from her would fire,

And make the God in liquid joys expire.

Quite delighted, she smiled so sweetly I thought I saw the moon breaking

full-faced from a cloud. Presently, with fingers punctuating her

words, she laughed, "If you are not too proud to enjoy a woman of

condition, and one who only within the year has known your sex. I

offer you a 'sister,' fair youth. You have a 'brother' already, I

know, for I did not disdain to make inquiries, but what hinders you

to adopt a sister too? I claim a like dignity. Only taste and try,

when you will, how you like my kisses."

"Nay!" I replied, "by your own loveliness I adjure you, deign to admit

an alien among your worshipers. You will find him a sincere devotee,

if you give him leave to adore you. And that you may not think I enter

this temple of Love giftless, I will sacrifice my 'brother' to you."

"What!" she cried, "you sacrifice to me the being you cannot live without,

on whose kisses your happiness depends, whom you love as I would have

you love me?" As she said these words, they sounded so sweetly you

might have thought it was the Siren's harmonies came floating on the

breeze. So, lost in admiration and dazzled with a wondrous effulgence

brighter than the light of heaven, I was fain to ask my divinity's name.

"Why! did not my maid tell you," she replied, "I was called Circe?

I am not indeed the daughter of the Sun; nor did my mother ever stay

at her good pleasure the course of the revolving globe. Still I have

one noble boon to thank heaven for, if the fates unite us two. Yes!

some god's mysterious, silent workings are beneath all this. 'Tis not

without a cause Circe loves Polyaenos; a great torch of sympathy flames

between these names. Then take your will of me, beloved one. For we

have no prying interference to dread, and your 'brother' is far away."

With these words Circe threw her arms, that were softer than down,

around my neck, and drew me down on the flower-bespangled grass:

On Ida's top, when Jove his nymph caressed,

And lawless heat in open view expressed,

His mother Earth in all her charms was seen,

The rose, the violet, the sweet jasmine,

And the fair lily smiling on the green.

Such was the plat whereon my Venus lay;

Our Love was secret, but the charming day

Was bright, like her, and as her temple gay.

Side by side on the grass we lay, dallying with a thousand kisses,

the prelude to robuster joys. But alas! a sudden debility of my

nerves quite disappointed Circe, who exclaimed, infuriated at the

affront, "What now? do my kisses revolt you? is my breath offensive

with fasting? are my armpits uncleanly and smelling? If it is nothing

of this sort, can it be that you are afraid of Giton?"

Flushing hotly at her words, I lost any little vigor still left me,

and my whole frame feeling dislocated, I besought my mistress, "Do

not, my Queen, aggravate my misery. I am bewitched."

So trivial an excuse was far from appeasing Circe's indignation. She

turned her eyes contemptuously away from me, and glancing towards her

maid, "Tell me, Chrysis," she said, "and tell me true. Am I repulsive?

am I sluttish? is there some natural blemish disfigures my beauty? Do not

deceive your mistress; there must be something strangely amiss about us."

Then, as Chrysis stood silent, she snatched up a mirror, and after

rehearsing all the looks and smiles lovers are wont to exchange, she

shook out her robe that lay crumpled on the ground, and flounced off

into the Temple of Venus. I was left standing like a convicted felon,

or a man horror-struck with some awful vision, asking myself whether

the bliss I had been cheated of was indeed a reality or only a dream.

As when in sleep our wanton Fancy sports,

And our fond eyes with hidden riches courts,

We hug the theft; the smiling treasure fills

Our guilty hands; the conscious sweat distills;

Whilst laboring fear sits heavy on the mind,

Lest the big secret should an utterance find.

But when with night th' illusive joys retreat,

And our eyes open to the gay deceit,

That which we ne'er possessed, as lost, we mourn,

And for imaginary blessings burn.

My calamity really seemed to me a dream, or rather a hallucination;

and so long did my enervation last, I could not so much as get up off

the ground. However the mind recovering its tone by degrees, my

strength slowly came back to me, and I made for home, where feigning

indisposition, I threw myself down on my pallet. Before long, Giton,

who had heard I was ill, entered my chamber in much concern. To make

his mind easier, I told him I had gone to bed merely to take a rest,

talking a deal of other stuff besides, but not a word about my

misadventure, as I very much dreaded his jealousy. So to avoid all

suspicion, drawing him to my side, I tried to give him a proof of my

love, but all my panting and sweating was in vain. He got up full of

indignation, and upbraiding me with debilitated vigor and diminished

affection, declared he had noticed for a long time I must certainly

have been expending my strength of mind and body elsewhere.

"No! no! darling," I interrupted, "my affection for you has always

been the same; but reason now prevails over love and lechery."

"Well! thank you, thank you for the Socratic innocency of your

passion. Alcibiades was not more uncontaminated when he lay in

his preceptor's bed." "I tell you, little brother," I went on,

"I have lost all knowledge and sense of manhood. Dead and buried

is that part of me that once made me a very Achilles!"

Seeing I was really unnerved, and afraid, if he were caught alone

with me, it might give rise to scandal, he withdrew in haste,

retreating to an inner room of the house. He was hardly gone

when Chrysis entered my room and handed me her mistress's tablets,

on which was written the following letter:

CIRCE TO POLYAENOS-- GREETING.

"If I were a mere wanton, I should complain of my disappointment.

Instead I am positively grateful to your impotence; for so I enjoyed

longer dalliance with the semblance of pleasure. What I ask is, how

you do, and whether you got home on your own legs; for doctors say a

man cannot walk without nerves. I will tell you what I think; beware,

young Sir, of paralysis. I never saw a patient in more imminent danger;

upon my word and honor, you are as good as dead already. If a like

lethargy attack your knees and hands, I should advise you to send

immediately for the undertaker's men.

"Well! well! dire as is the affront I have received, still I will never

grudge a prescription to a man in your miserable plight. If you would

be cured, ask Giton's help. You will recover your nerve, I assure you,

if you sleep three nights running apart from your 'little brother.'

For myself, I have no fear but I can find another admirer to love me

a little. My mirror and my reputation both tell me this is true.

Farewell, (if you can)."

As soon as Chrysis saw I had read this caustic epistle to the end,

"These accidents are common enough," she said, "and particularly in

this city, where there are women who can lure down the moon out of

the sky. So never fear, your matter shall be set right; only write

back graciously to my mistress and restore her confidence with a

candid and gently-worded reply. For to tell you the honest truth--

from the hour you wronged her, she has not been her own woman."

I complied very willingly with the girl's suggestion, and wrote the

following answer on the tablets:

POLYAENOS TO CIRCE-- GREETING.

"I confess, Lady, I have often offended; I am but a man, and a young

one still. But never before this day have I done mortal sin. The

criminal admits his crime; any penalty you inflict, I have richly

deserved. I have betrayed a trust, slain a man, violated a temple;

assign due punishment for all these crimes. If you choose to kill

me, I hand you my sword; if you are satisfied with stripes, I haste

to throw myself naked at my mistress's feet. Remember one thing only,

'twas not myself, but my tools that failed me. The soldier was ready

but he had no arms. What so demoralized me, I cannot tell. Perhaps

my imagination outran my lagging powers, perhaps in my all-aspiring

eagerness, I lavished by ardor prematurely. I know not how it was.

You bid me beware of paralysis; as if a greater palsy could exist than

that which robbed me of the power to possess you. But this is the

sum and substance of my plea: I will satisfy you yet, if you will

grant me leave to repair my fault."

After dismissing Chrysis with fair promises of this sort, I put

my body, which had served me so ill, into special training, and

pretermitting the bath together, restricted myself to a moderate

use of unguents. Then adopting a more fortifying diet, that is to

say onions and snails' heads without sauce, I also cut down my wine.

Finally composing my nerves by an easy walk before retiring, I went

to bed with no Giton to share my couch. For anxious as I was to make

my peace, I was afraid of even the slightest contact with my favorite.

Next day, having risen sound in mind and body, I went down to the

same plane tree walk, though truly I felt a dread of the ominous

locality, and waited for Chrysis to act as my guide. After strolling

to and fro for a while, I had just sat down in the same spot as the

day before, when she came in sight, bringing a little old woman with

her. When she had saluted me, "How now, Sir Squeamsih," she began,

"do you feel yourself in better fettle?"

The old woman meantime drew from her pocket a hank of plaited yarns

of different colors, and tied it round my neck. Then puddling dust

and spittle together, she dipped her middle finder in the mess, and

disregarding my repugnance, marked my forehead with it.

Never despair! Priapus I invoke,

To help the parts that make his altars smoke.

The incantation ended, she bade me spit out thrice, and thrice toss

pebbles into my bosom, which she had wrapped up in purple after

pronouncing a charm over them. Then putting her hands to my privates,

she began to try my virile condition. Quicker than thought the nerves

obeyed her summons, and filled the old lady's hand with a huge erection.

Then jumping for joy, "Look, Chrysis, look," she cried, "how I've

started the hare for other folk to course." This accomplished, the

old woman handed me back to Chrysis, who was overjoyed at the recovery

of her mistress's treasure; with all haste she led me straight to the

latter, whom we found in a most delightful spot, adorned with everything

that fairest Nature can show to charm the eyes.

Where noble Planes cast a refreshing shade,

And well-cared Pines their shaking tops displayed,

And Daphne midst the Cypress crowned her head.

Near-by a circling river gently flows,

And rolls the pebbles as it murmuring goes.

A spot designed for Love; the nightingale

And gentle swallow its delights can tell,

Who on each bush salute the coming day,

And in their orgies sing its hours away.

She lay luxuriously stretched on golden cushions, which supported her

marble neck, fanning the calm air with a branch of flowering myrtle.

Directly she saw me, she blushed a little, no doubt remembering

yesterday's affront; presently, when we were quite alone, and at

her invitation I had sat down by her side, she laid the branch over

my eyes, and this emboldening her as if a wall had been raised

between us, "How goes it, paralytic?" she laughed, "are you quite

recovered, that you've come back again today?"

"Why ask me," I returned, "instead of making trial?" and throwing

myself bodily into her arms, I took my fill of good, healthy,

unbewitched kisses. Her loveliness drew me irresistibly to her

and disposed me to enjoyment. Already had our lips joined in many

a sounding kiss, our fingers interlocked had played all sorts of

amorous pranks, our two bodies had twined in mutual embraces till

our very souls seemed fused in one; yet in the very height of these

delicious preliminaries, lo! my nerves once more betrayed me, and

I failed utterly to reach the supreme moment of our bliss.

Lashed to fury by two such dire affronts, the lady ends by seeking

vengeance, and summoning her chamberlains, orders me a sound thumping.

Not content with this cruel treatment of me, she calls together all

the spinning wenches and meanest drudges of the house, and bids them

spit at me. Clapping my hands to my eyes, and without one word of

expostulation, for I knew I richly deserved it all, I fled from the

house, driven forth under a hurricane of blows and spittle. Proselenos

is kicked out too, and Chrysis beaten. The whole household was in

dismay, all grumbling together and asking who it was had put their

mistress in so vile a temper. This was some compensation and

encouragement to me, and I carefully hid the marks of the blows I

had received, not to make Eumolpus merry over my disaster, or Giton

sad for the same reason. The only thing I could do to save my dignity

was to pretend to be ill; this I did, and creeping into bed, turned

the whole fire of my wrath against the vile cause of all my calamities:

With dreadful steel the part I would have lopped;

Thrice from my trembling hand the razor dropped.

Now, what I might before, I could not do;

For, cold as ice, the shuddering thing withdrew,

And shrank behind a wrinkled canopy.

Hiding its head from my revenge and me.

Thus by its fear I'm balked of my intent,

And in mere mouthing words my anger vent.

So raising myself on my elbow, I address the recreant in some such

terms as these, "What have you to say for yourself, abomination of

gods and men? For indeed your very name must not be mentioned by

self-respecting folks. Did I merit such treatment from you,-- to

be dragged down from heaven's bliss to hell's torments, to have

the prime and vigor of my years maligned and to be reduced to the

imbecility of dotage? Give me, I beseech you, give me a proof you are

yet good for something." In words such as these I vented my irritation.

But with averted eyes, unmoved he mourned

Nor to my fond reproach one look returned;

Like bended osiers trembling o'er a brook,

Or wounded poppies by no zephyr shook.

Nevertheless, on reaching the end of this undignified expostulation,

I began to be ashamed of what I had been saying, and to blush furtively

at having so far forgotten my self-respect as to bandy words with a

part of my person men of graver sort do not so much as deign to notice.

Presently after rubbing my brow awhile, "After all, what have I done

so much amiss," I asked myself, "in thus relieving my resentment by

means of a little natural abuse? Do we not habitually curse various

parts of our bodies, our belly, throat,-- head even, when it aches,

as it often does? Does not Ulysses quarrel with his own heart? and

do not our Tragedians rail at their own eyes, as if they could hear?

The gouty abuse their feet, the rheumatic their hands, the sore-eyed

their optics; and does not a man who has damaged his toes, vent all

the agony of his pain on his poor feet?"

Nothing is falser than mankind's silly prejudices, or sillier than an

affectation of peculiar gravity.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

My declamation ended, I called Giton to me and asked him, "Tell me,

darling, tell me on your honor; that night Ascyltos stole you from me,

did he resort to active violence upon you, or was he content with a

night of self-restraint and continence?" The lad touched his eyes,

and swore in the most solemn terms that Ascyltos had done him no harm.

I queried him no further for the truth is, I was so crushed by my

misfortunes I was not master of myself, and did not rightly know what

I was saying. Let bygones be bygones, I murmured to myself, especially

when nothing but pain can come from recalling them. Eventually I

directed all my attention to the task of recovering my lost vigor.

I was determined even to consecrate myself to the gods; accordingly I

started out implore the help of Priapus. To make the best of things,

I feigned a cheerful countenance, and dropping on my knees at the Temple

threshold besought the deity's intervention in the following lines:

"Delight of Bacchus, Guardian of the Groves,

The kind Restorer of decaying Loves,

Lesbos and verdant Thasos thee implore,

Whose maids thy power in wanton rites adore;

Joy of the Dryads, with propitious care

Attend my wishes, and indulge my prayer.

My guiltless hands with blood I never stained,

Or sacrilegiously the gods profaned;

Thus low I bow; restoring blessings send,

I did not thee with my whole self offend,

Who sins through weakness is less guilty thought;

Indulge my crime, and spare a venial fault.

When kindly Fate shall genial gifts allow,

I'll, not ungrateful, to thy godhead bow.

A sucking pig I'll offer at thy shrine.

And sacred bowls brimful of generous wine;

A destined goat shall on thy altars lie,

And the horned parent of my flock shall die.

Then thrice thy frantic votaries shall round

Thy temple dance, with smiling garlands crowned,

And most devoutly drunk, thy Orgies sound."

Whilst I was thus engaged, anxiously intent on the part affected,

the old woman entered the shrine with disheveled hair and wearing

black garments all in a state of disorder, and laying her hand on

my shoulder led me outside the vestibule.

"What foul witches have devoured your manhood?" she exclaimed; "what

refuse or what garbage have you trod on in the streets at night? You

could not so much as do your duty by the boy; but flabby, faint and

weary, like a cart-horse at a hill, you wasted your labor and your sweat

in vain! And now, not content with your own delinquencies, you have

set the gods against me as well-- and I mean to make you smart for it."

So she led me unresisting back again into the Temple and to the

Priestess's chamber, where she pushed me down on the bed, and

snatching up a cane that hung behind the door, she gave me yet

another thrashing. Still I said not a word, and if the cane had

not split at the first stroke, and so lessened the force of her

blows, she would likely have broken my arms or my head. I groaned

dismally, particularly at the way she worked my member, and bursting

into a torrent of weeping, hid my face in my hand and cowered down

on the pillow. The old woman was also melted to tears, and sitting

down on the other side of the bed, began to complain in quavering

tones of the tediousness of having lived too long.

Presently the Priestess came in, "Why! what has brought you to

my chamber," she cried, "and with these long faces, as if you were

come to a funeral? and on a holiday too, when the most sorrow-laden

laugh for once."

"Oh, it's this young man here, Oenothea," the old woman answered; "for

sure, he was born under an evil star; he cannot sell his goods to boy

or girl. You never saw so unfortunate a fellow; soaked leather, that's

what his tool is! What think you of a man, I ask you that, who left

Circe's bed without having tasted pleasure?" On hearing this, Oenothea

sat down between us, and after shaking her head awhile, "I am the only

woman," she said, "knows how to cure this complaint. And that you may

not think I'm doing at random, I require the young fellow to sleep

one night with me, and see if I don't make it stiff as horn!

"All Nature's works my magic power obey,

The blooming Earth shall wither and decay,

And when I please, be verdant, fresh and gay.

Here flowery vales shall vernal beauties know,

There frozen plains shall hide themselves in snow;

By magic charms I'll make a whirlwind cease,

Contract its breath, and murmur into peace;

Tigers and pards, submissive to my will,

Obey my orders and neglect to kill;

At my commands substantial darkness soon

O'erspreads the skies and hides the silver moon;

Sol's fiery car stops in th' Ethereal plain,

And Thetis long expects her Lord in vain.

The Pontic bulls emitting fire and smoke

The witch Medea to her service broke

And made their swelling chest sustain her yoke.

Refulgent Circe, daughter of the Sun,

Could into swine Ulysses' soldiers turn;

In woods Silenus, Proteus in the seas,

Conceal the God, and take what form they please.

My skill's as great, my power no less extends,

The servile World to my enchantment bends."

I shuddered with terror to hear her promise such miracles, and began

to scrutinize the old woman more carefully.

"Now," ejaculated Oenothea, "now do as I tell you." And after washing

her hands with scrupulous care, she bent over the couch and kissed me

again and again.

She then placed an old table on the middle of the altar, and filling

it with live coals, proceeded to patch up an ancient bowl, so time-worn

it was falling to pieces, with melted pitch. Next she put back in the

smoke-begrimed wall a peg which had come down along with the wooden

bowl, when she unhitched the latter. Presently after donning a square

cloak, she set a huge cooking-pot on the fire, at the same time with

a fork reaching down a cloth from the meat-rack, in which was stored

a supply of beans and some exceedingly stale pieces of pig's cheek,

slashed with a thousand cuts. She undid the string, shook out some of

the contents on to the table, and bade me strip them smartly. Obeying

her orders, I proceed carefully to separate the beans from the filthy

pods that contained them. But Oenothea, chiding my slowness,

incontinently snatches them from me, and instantly stripping off the

husks with her teeth, spits them out on the ground, where they looked

like dead flies. I could not help admiring the ingenuity of poverty, and

the knack there is in every single thing. Indeed, this virtue of poverty

found so ardent a follower in the Priestess, it was conspicuous in every

trifle about her. Her cottage especially was a very shrine of misery.

No Indian ivories here are set in gold,

No marble covers the deluded mold;

Void of expensive art, the reverent Shrine

With natural modest ornaments doth shine.

Round Ceres' bower the bending osier grows;

Earthen is all the plate the Priestess knows;

The jug is earth which holds the holy wine,

Osier the dish, sacred to Powers divine;

No brazen gauds are here, no purple pride,

Mud and dirt mixed the pious relics hide;

Rushes and reeds the humble roof adorn,

And straw deprived of its Autumnal corn.

On an old shelf a savory ham is found,

And service-berries into garlands bound.

Such a low cottage Hecate confined,

Low was her dwelling, but sublime her mind.

Her bounteous heart a grateful praise shall crown,

And Muses make immortal her renown.

Then, having shelled the beans and eaten a scrap of the meat, she

took a fork and went to replace the pig's cheek, which was as great

an antiquity as herself; but the rotten stool, on which she had mounted

so as to reach up to the rack, broke down under the old woman's weight

and threw her on the fire. The lip of the cooking-pot was smashed, and

put out the fire, that was just burning up; the woman's elbow was burnt

by a red-hot ember, and her whole face begrimed with the flying ashes.

I sprang up in dismay, and not without some inward laughter set the

old thing on her legs again; this accomplished, she ran instantly to a

neighbor's to replenish the fire, that nothing might delay the sacrifice.

I was making my way to the door of the cottage, when lo and behold!

three sacred geese, which I suppose the old woman was in habit of

feeding at midday, rushed at me and set me all in a twitter, pressing

round me with their disconcerting and almost rabid cackle. One of

them tore my tunic, another undid my shoestrings and dragged at them,

the third, leader and director of the savage assault, actually worried

my leg with its serrated beak. So, thinking it no time for nonsense,

I dragged off a leg of the table, and armed with this weapon started

belaboring the warlike creature. Nor was I satisfied with trifling

blows, but avenged my hurt by killing the bird outright:

Such were the birds Heruclean art subdued,

And with loud tumults to the skies pursued;

And such the Harpies the winged brothers chased

From trembling Phineus' illusive feast.

The heavens were startled at their clamorous flight,

And backward seemed to roll in wild affright.

I left the creature sprawling, while its companions, after picking

up the beans that were scattered all about the floor, and finding

themselves I suppose bereft of their leader, retreated into the Temple

again. Then, proud of my booty and the vengeance I had exacted, I

tossed the dead bird behind the bed, and washed the trifling wound

in my leg with vinegar. Presently, fearing a scolding, I determined

to be off, and gathering my belongings together started to leave the

cottage. I had not yet crossed the threshold however when I saw

Oenothea coming along with an earthen pot full of fire. I drew back

again therefore, and throwing aside my robe, as if I had been waiting

for her return, took my stand at the entrance. She packed her fire on

some reeds broken up small, and piling up the top with a number of logs,

began to excuse her delay, saying her friend had refused to let her go

till she had drained the three cups custom required. Then, "What have

you been doing," she asked, "in my absence? and where are the beans?"

I really thought I had done something very praiseworthy and described

the whole battle to her in detail, finally, to end her melancholy,

presenting her with the dead goose in compensation for her loss.

Directly the old woman set eyes on the bird, she set up such a terrible

outcry you might have thought the geese had invaded the place again.

Confused at this and astounded at the strange nature of my offense,

I repeatedly begged her to tell me why she was so angry, and why all

her pity was for the goose and none at all for me.

But beating her palms together, "How dare you speak," she screamed,

"abandoned wretch! You must know what an atrocity you have committed;

you have killed the delight of Priapus, the goose that was the darling

of all the matrons. You think it's a trifle you've done!-- if the

Magistrates get wind of it, you'll be crucified. You have polluted

my home with blood, that was never profaned before; and put it in

the power of any ill-wisher I may have to turn me out of my office."

"Don't shout so, I beseech you," I interposed; "I tell you, I'll

give you an ostrich for your goose." She was still sitting on the

pallet and bewailing the goose's untimely death, with me standing

in amazement, when Proselenos arrived with the materials for the

sacrifice. Directly she saw the dead bird, she asked excitedly

how the calamity had occurred, and she too began to weep violently,

and make as much ado over me as if I had killed my own father instead

of a public goose. Feeling utterly sick of the tiresome business,

"Now tell me," I expostulated, "could not I purchase expiation for

money, if it was you I had assaulted, even though I'd done murder.

Look you, I offer two gold pieces, enough to buy both gods and geese

with." As soon as Oenothea saw the coins, "Forgive me, young man,"

she exclaimed; "'tis for your sake I am so anxious, and that shows

affection surely, not malice. (And we'll take care that no one shall

know anything about it.) Only do you pray to the gods to pardon the

sacrilege you have done."

Whoe'er has magic gold, secure may sail

Where'er he please, he's lord of Fortune's gale;

May in a Danae's arms make soft abode,--

There's no Acrisius will dispute the God!

He may turn Poet, Orator, what not?

When he harangues, old Cato is forgot!

Or if the noisy bar delights him more,

Behold what mighty Labeo was before!

In short-- when of the money you're possessed,

You need but wish,-- you've Jove within your chest.

Meantime the Priestess, bustling about, placed a bowl of wine under

my hands, and making me spread out my fingers evenly, purified them

with leeks and parsley. Then with a muttered charm she dipped

filberts in the wine, and according as they rose to the surface

again, or sank, she drew her prognostications. But I did not fail

to observe that the blind nuts, with nothing but air inside of

kernels, naturally floated on the top, while the heavy ones, that

were full and sound within, settled to the bottom. Next turning

her attentions to the goose, she opened its breast and drew out a

fine fat liver, and proceeded to predict my future prospects from the

indications it afforded. Nay! that not a trace of my crime might be

left, she broke up the whole bird, and sticking the pieces on spits,

prepared a very appetizing dinner for me, whom she so short a time

before condemned to death with her own lips. Meantime bumpers of

unmixed wine were circulating freely, and the old woman merrily gobbled

up the goose they had been mourning over so sadly just before. When

it was all gone, the Priestess, now half drunk, turned to me and said,

"We must complete the mysteries, to recover you of your impotency."

So saying, Oenothea brought out a leathern godemiche, which she

smeared with oil and ground pepper and pounded nettle seed, and

then proceeded to insert it little by little up my back. Next the

cruel old dame anoints my two thighs with the same concoction. Then

mixing nasturtium juice with southern-wood, she bathes my genitals

with the stuff, and grasping a bundle of stinging nettles, begins

slowly and methodically to lash my belly with them all over below the

navel. The nettles burn sharply, and I suddenly take to my heels, the

old woman after me in hot haste. Though disordered with wine and lust,

they take the right road, and follow me up through several streets,

screaming, "Stop thief!" However, I escaped eventually, after making

all my toes bleed in the course of my headlong gallop.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

As soon as ever I could get home, I went to bed, utterly worn out with

fatigue; but I was unable to sleep a wink. My various disasters kept on

running through my head, and quite convinced I was the most unfortunate

wretch alive, I ejaculated, "Fortune has ever been my bitterest foe;

it only needed Love's torments as well to make me utterly miserable.

Doomed wretch! Fortune and Love now join their forces to conspire my

ruin. Cruel Cupid has never spared me; whether lover or loved, I am

perpetually on the rack! There is Chrysis now! she loves me madly and

never ceases to tease me. Chrysis who looked down on me, when she was

acting as her mistress's go-between, and scorned me as a slave, because

I wore slave's clothes; she, I say, that same Chrysis who once loathed

my humble condition, is now bent on following it up even at the risk

of life itself. She swore she would never leave me alone, that time

she declared the vehemence of her passion for me.

"But Circe has my whole heart; all other women I despise. Indeed who

so fair as she? What was Ariadne's beauty, or Leda's, compared to hers?

What had Helen of Troy, or Venus herself, to boast against her? If

Paris, umpire of the rival goddesses, had seen her at the trial with

her dancing eyes, he would have given up all to her, Helen and the

goddesses three! Could I but kiss that mouth, could I press that

divine, that heavenly bosom, maybe my powers of body would return, and

those parts of me revive that now lie torpid and, I verily believe,

bewitched. No insults exhaust my patience. I have been thrashed,--

'tis nothing; I have been kicked out,-- 'tis a merry jest; if only I

may be restored to favor."

These and the like thoughts of lovely Circe's charms so roused my

fancy that I disordered my bed with the repeated efforts of a sort

of imaginary voluptuousness. But all my struggles remained unavailing.

At last continual disappointment wore my patience out, and I cursed

the evil enchantment that oppressed me. Presently however, recovering

my self-control, and drawing what consolation I might from remembering

how many heroes of antiquity had been persecuted by the anger of the

gods, I broke out into these lines:

"Not I alone have Heaven's just anger felt,

The gods with others have severely dealt;

By Juno's rage the heavens Alcides bore,

And lost fair Hylas on the Pontic Shore.

Laomedon did Jove's resentment feel,

And Telephus bled by the fatal steel.

Fate's sure decrees no mortal power can shun,

Nor can the swiftest from Heaven's vengeance run."

Tortured by these anxieties, I tossed about wakefully the whole night

long. At peep of day Giton, informed of the fact of my having slept at

home, entered my room, and after chiding me severely for my licentious

way of life, told me the whole household were complaining bitterly of

my goings on, how I paid scarcely any attention to business, and was

like a ruin myself over the fatal intrigue I was now engaged in. I

gathered from all this he was well posted in my affairs, and guessed

some one had been to the house to inquire for me. I asked my companion

if anyone had been in quest of me.

"No one today," Giton replied; "but yesterday there was a woman,

stylishly dressed enough, came in, and after a long talk with me

and boring me to death with her forced conversation, ended by saying

you deserved the gallows and would surely get a slave's scourging, if

the individual you had wronged persisted in his complaint." This news

tormented me extremely, and I launched out into fresh recriminations

against Fortune. My invective was still in full swing when Chrysis

came in, and throwing her arms wildly round my neck, exclaimed, "I

have you in my arms, my heart's desire! My love, my joy! Never,

never will you end this fire of mine, but by quenching it in my blood."

I was not a little disconcerted by this amorous display on her part, and

resorted to a string of flattering speeches to get rid of her, fearing

the madwoman's cries might reach Eumolpus's ears, who in the arrogance

of success had now adopted the domineering ways of a real master. So

I used every means to calm her excitement,-- feigning love, whispering

soft nothings; in a word, so cleverly did I play the fond adorer she

thought me genuinely smitten with her charms. I explained what peril

we should both be in, if she were caught with me in my bedroom, Eumolpus

being only too ready to punish the smallest indiscretion. Hearing this,

she left me hurriedly, all the more so as she saw Giton coming back,

who had quitted the room shortly before she joined me.

Hardly was she gone before one of the newly engaged servants rushed

in to tell me the master was excessively angry at my two days' neglect

of my duties. The best thing I could do, he said, was to get some

plausible excuse ready; for it was hardly possible his angry passions

could subside without somebody getting a thrashing.

Giton seeing me so vexed and disheartened, did not say one word to me

about the woman; he merely spoke of Eumolpus, recommending me to treat

the matter jocularly with him, rather than look gloomy about it. I

was glad enough to take his advice, and approached the old man with

so gay an air that, instead of showing severity, he received me

banteringly, rallying me about my success in love and complimenting

me on my grace and elegance, which made me such a favorite with all

the ladies. "It is no news to me," he went on, "that a most beautiful

woman is dying of love for you; now this may very likely be useful

to us on occasion, Encolpius. Well then! play the fond lover, you;

I will keep up the same role I have been acting all along."

He was still speaking when a matron entered, a lady of the highest

distinction, Philomela by name, who in earlier days had won many a fat

legacy by the charms of her youth; but who being old now and past her

prime, used to put her son and daughter in the way of childless old

men, and so continued to extend her old trade by the efforts of these

successors. Well! this woman came to Eumolpus and proceeded to commend

her children to his judicious guardianship, and confide herself and

her hopes to his kindly good nature, asseverating he was the only man

in all the world to train young people by the daily inculcation of

healthy precepts; in fine, that she was leaving her children under

Eumolpus's roof, that they might hear his words of wisdom, the only

heritage worth having that could be bestowed on youth. And she was

as good as her word; for leaving behind her a very attractive looking

girl along with her brother, a stripling, in the old man's chamber, she

left the house under pretext of visiting the Temple to say her prayers.

Eumolpus, who was so careful a soul he was ready to take even me at

my age for a minion, was not long in inviting the girl to sacrifice

to the rearward Venus. But then he had informed everybody he was

gouty and crippled in the loins, and if he failed to keep up the

pretense, he ran considerable risk of spoiling the whole play. So,

to maintain the imposture intact, he begged the girl to take a seat

on that kindly good nature her mother had appealed to, ordering Corax

at the same time to slip under the bed he lay on himself, and resting

his hands on the floor, to hoist him up and down with his back. The

servant obeyed, and gently seconded the child's artful movements with

a corresponding, rhythmical seesaw. Then when the crisis was coming,

Eumolpus shouted out loud and clear to Corax to work faster. Thus

the old fellow, suspended between his servant and his mistress,

enjoyed himself as if in a swing. This exercise he repeated more

than once, to the accompaniment of peals of laughter, in which he

himself joined. Nor was I idle; but fearing my hand might get out of

practise from disuse, I assailed the brother, where he stood admiring

his sister's gymnastics through the keyhole, to see if he were

amenable to outrage. He made no bones about accepting my caresses;

but once more, alas! I found the god unpropitious to my efforts.

However I was not so much cast down by failure this time as I had been

on previous occasions; for very soon afterwards my vigor came back

to me, and suddenly feeling myself in better condition, I exclaimed,

"The great gods of higher heaven it is have made me a man again!

Mercury, who conveys and reconveys the souls of men, has of his loving

kindness given me back what an unfriendly hand had docked me of, to

show you I am really more graciously endowed than ever was Protesilaus

or any of the mighty men of yore." So saying, I lifted my tunic, and

offered Eumolpus a view of all my glories. For an instant he stood

panic-stricken; then, to make assurance doubly sure, he put out both

hands and felt the good gift the gods had given me.

This great boon restoring our cheerfulness, we made merry over

Philomela's artfulness and her children's proficiency, little likely

to profit them much with us however; for it was solely and entirely

in hopes of a legacy she had abandoned the boy and girl to our tender

mercies. So reflecting on this sordid fashion of getting round

childless old men, I was led on to think of the present state of

our own fortunes, and took occasion to warn Eumolpus that this game

of biting might easily end in biters being bit.

"Our every act," I added, "should be governed by caution. Socrates,

wisest of mankind as both men and gods allow, was wont to boast he

had never so much as glanced into a tavern, nor trusted his eyes to

look at any crowded and disorderly assemblage. Nothing in the world

is more advisable than always to speak within the bounds of prudence.

"All this is true," I insisted, "and no class of men is more liable

to come to mischance than those who covet other folks' goods. How

should mountebanks, and swindlers, live, unless they were now and

again to toss a little purse or a jingling bag of money as baits to

the crowd? Just as dumb beasts are enticed by food, so men are to

be caught only with something solid in the way of expectations to

bite at. The ship from Africa with your money and your slaves has

not arrived, as you promised. Our fortune-hunters are tired out,

and already stint their generosity. Either I am much mistaken, or

the jade Fortune has begun to repent of her favors to you."

"I have thought out a scheme," Eumolpus replied, "that will mightily

embarrass our fortune-hunting friends," and drawing his tablets from

his wallet, he read out his last wishes as follows:

"All who shall receives legacies under my will, my own freedmen

excepted, will inherit the said bequests subject to this condition,

to wit that they do cut up my body into pieces and eat the same

before the eyes of the public there present.

"They need not be over and above shocked, I tell them; for we know

that to this day some nations observe the custom by which the dead

are eaten by their relatives-- so much so indeed that sick folk amongst

them are often reproached for spoiling their flesh by being so long

ill. I remind my friends of these facts, that they may not refuse to

follow my directions, but rather consume my dead body with the same

heartiness with which they prayed the living breath might leave it."

Just as he was reading the initial clauses, several of Eumolpus's

most intimate friends came into his room, and seeing the document

in his hand, begged him eagerly to let them hear its contents. He

consented instantly, and read it out from beginning to end. On

hearing the extraordinary stipulation about being obliged to eat

his corpse, they were very much cast down. But the glamour of his

wealth so dazzled the wretched creatures and stifled their consciences,

making mere cringing cowards of them in his presence, that they durst

enter no protest against the enormity. One of them, however Gorgias,

was ready to comply, provided he had not too long to wait.

At this Eumolpus continued, turning to Gorgias, "I have no apprehensions

of your stomach's turning rebellious; it will obey orders, once you

promise it, in return for one hour's nausea, a plethora of good things.

Just shut your eyes, and pretend it's not human flesh you've bolted,

but a cool ten million. Besides, we'll find some condiments, never

fear, to disguise the flavor. Indeed, no meat really tastes good

by itself, but is always masked in some artful way, and the recalcitrant

stomach reconciled to it. Why! if you want examples to fortify your

resolutions-- the Saguntines, when hard pressed by Hannibal, ate

human flesh; and they had no legacy to expect. The men of Perusia

did the same thing in the extremity of famine, looking for no other

benefit from the horrid diet but just to escape starvation. When

Numantia was taken by Scipio, mothers were found grasping their

children's half-eaten bodies to their bosoms. In fine, seeing it

is merely the idea of cannibalism that can cause disgust, you must

fight with all your heart to banish this repugnance from your minds,

to the end you may receive the enormous legacies I put you down for."

These insolent extravagances Eumolpus reeled off with such reckless

inconsequence as made the fortune hunters begin to distrust his

promises. Instantly they began to scrutinize more closely our words

and actions, and everything they saw only increasing their suspicions,

they soon set us down for a gang of common cheats and swindlers.

Hereupon such as had gone to more than ordinary expense for our

entertainment, resolved to have at us and take their just revenge.

But now Chrysis, who was in all their secrets, warned me of what

the Crotonians' intentions towards us were. This news scared me

so terribly I fled instantly with Giton, leaving Eumolpus to his

fate; and a few days later I learned that the Crotonians, furious

at the old fox having lived sumptuously at their expense for so

long, had massacred him in the Massilian fashion. To show you what

this means, I must tell you that whenever the Massilians were

visited by the Plague, one of the poorer inhabitants would volunteer

himself as an expiatory victim, on condition of being maintained

a full year at the public cost and fed on choice food. Later on,

the unhappy man, bedecked with festal wreaths and sacred robes,

was carried in procession through the whole city, and made the butt

of general execration, to the end that all the calamities of all

the State might be concentrated on his devoted head. This done,

he was hurled headlong from a rock.

THE END